May you never find a moment of peace in your life

I never believed in the idea of closure. When I needed it the most, it always found a way to skip right passed me. How things always seem to fall into place for other people, leaving me feeling as if it will never be. Destiny can be a cruel concept once despair has taken a firm grip.

I have recently travelled around the world, three destinations. It could all have been more colourful. I revisited my most recently revisited past, to see if matters of the past were still where they should be. To my surprise, not much did shift, finding this nonexistent closure, that I refused to believe, to actually exist. But who's to say anything really. The one that's so resolute regarding a matter is as fanatic as the ignorant. There is no changing the course of history, or the direction of the future. All we can affect is the present moment. Unfortunately even that seems to be a dying art, and I hate to sound redundant regarding that matter. As if 'back then' is always better than the 'now'. Such a sad song sung by the mind that has abandoned hope of any kind. Maybe I simply fantasise that a time did exist where humanity was present, not dwelling the past nor anxious regarding the future. I do not hope for such a time to return, that would just be a waste of hope. Clearly that day will never return, if it even happened to actually exist in the first place.

I have lived my life allowing my passion to steer my soul forward or in circles. I never wanted to deprive myself of any experience, impulse being my heroin. Where am I now to where I was? Can I say I am the same person? What has changed? Why has it changed? It's hard to answer these questions not because the answers are difficult to put into words, but simply because the questions themselves are invalid. It is impossible to change, we can be the person we wish to be at the cost of living in hypocrisy. Who can bear the weight? I know I can't. Does true pleasure lie within indulgence of ones desire with complete disregard of surrounding? Or is there a connection between the source and the recipient that not only fulfils but rather enhances the experience of desires that one can wish. The thrill where one willingly sacrifices oneself for only you, letting their need be your most vicious demand. Without disregard? Such a rare fruit.

I spent three nights in Vegas. It was single handedly the biggest waste of my time. I was so excited to go that I had reoccurring dreams prior to my departure. I had dreams of me walking through casino's, strolling past all the noise coming from the roulette tables, hearing that tiny little ball spin in the opposite direction of the wheel, holding my breath, anticipating how the devil will toy with the results this time. Was the thrill as satiable as I imagined? Unfortunately, or fortunately all the nonsense has lost its flavour. The thrill of wanting to indulge is more satisfying than the actual act. For example. Whenever I haven't smoked a cigarette in, let's say a week, and I decide that I am going to buy a pack just to smoke one cigarette, the aftermath is always the same. Once I have made the decision to actually go and buy cigarettes, immediately I am filled with a satisfaction as if I have already indulged! This feeling of accomplishment, this proud feeling of doing the opposite finds its way through me, justifying it all! Then I'm at the store, I have purchased a pack, telling myself I will enjoy one cigarette with nice hot cappuccino, watching the sky change its colour as the sun descends into its nightly rest, or ascend to commence its daily duties. One out of ten times that first drag hits the spot, every puff after the first drag starts to have a decaying effect. The meditative mindset I try to establish as I take in each drag, followed by a sip of coffee, starts counterbalancing each other. Yet sometimes, just sometimes, it's right where I want it to be. But I am convinced that this idea of it 'sometimes' being 'just right' is the delusion I choose to believe only to make sure that there is always going to be a search for that satisfying moment that comes with indulging in ones selfish desires. Does it actually exist? No.

So what exists that can feed our needs. Does the soul speak through our basic senses? If consciousness exists only because of our senses, then eating when you're hungry, sleeping when you're tired, should be enough. But it isn't. Why does there need to be more? I'll just let philosophers argue that point from an outside stance while I try and work my way through the thickness of the concept.

I find that it is always the most undisciplined mindsets that demand for harsh measures to be taken and the most disciplined minds that demand moderation and balance. When going on a diet, the prior will starve themselves, take themselves to extreme measures, overcompensating in order to achieve results in a short amount of time. The latter understands perseverance, it all cannot be achieved in one day. I believe in order for change to exist, it has to be drastic. But is it the application that has to be drastic or simply the mindset? Perhaps a combination of both but understanding the path combined with the length of the journey will always help to keep things in good perspective. So mindset first, then application. But how do we create discipline? I did by changing my four walls.

When I turned 27, I remembered that it was the most anxious year of my life. It has been indoctrinated in society to think that people are old at a very young age, that people have simply "passed their prime'. I found myself being tangled by this large net. I went from being a 'baby' to dreadfully all the sudden becoming 'old'. I let it weigh me down to the point where I became fully paralysed. In the grand scheme of things, what does any of that matter? I spent my whole childhood and early twenties trying to figure out what I wanted to do and I knew it was going to take some time and I owed nobody an explanation except myself. Here I am being crumbled by the weight of society which I disregarded my whole life, so how do I suddenly feel that whatever window I was looking for, is now shut. How did the script flip so quickly?

It is pointless to worry, to compare myself, wondering why I haven't made the progress I wanted, seeing others rise to the position that I saw myself being at by this time. Every step I took, I felt as if  I was behind, feeling the need to overcompensate for all the lost time. It took a while for me to slow the world down. It was time to surrender time itself. How did the the idea that I never gave any weight to, all the sudden, become my downfall. Then there was this breaking point, who the fuck cares. In a positive way.

My goal is simple, I want to create my own comedy show. If it takes ten years, five years, whatever, the key is to always keep moving towards that goal. Letting time weigh myself down became the biggest waste of time on its own. I stopped caring if I slacked some days. I look for other ways to utilise my time. (By the way, since I'm in Australia, it is forcing me to spell words that I have spelled a certain way my whole life differently. I hate it. utilize/utilise color/colour stuuuupid) I have increased the amount of books I read. When I get tired of reading books, I work on my jigsaw puzzle, when I get tired of that, I work on writing screenplays, when I get bored with that, I work on writing this blog, when I've exhausted myself with my own thoughts, I'm self teaching myself the piano (which I definitely need to buy an actual piano because I'm learning a song right now without a pedal and when I tried to play that song on a regular piano instead of this dinky keyboard, it sounded horrible), and when I'm not working on learning a new song, I try and create a beat, once that beat is done, now I can work on lyrics and when the lyrics seem redundant I shall refresh it all and create a new meaning through retrospect and write a poem. When I've exhausted my mind will all the brain exercises, I go outside and actually exercise. I'm in the best shape that I have been in the last ten years. Maybe even in the best shape of my life.

I spent about a fraction of my time working on my actual goal, creating this comedy show. But everything I am doing is supporting this creation. I have time to hang out and shoot the shit with people. Yet the truth is, I don't want to hang out with you anymore. All you've ever done is slow me down. Sure this comes off as arrogant, but if you're not receiving the positivity of this whole message then perhaps the negativity is coming from within. I highly believe that blowing steam is crucial for the mind, and how its done varies from person to person. How I blow steam is through sports now. I cannot say that my bender days are over, a part of me does wish it to be. Yet I cannot speak for the future simply because no one can. I cannot play your sidekick role anymore, I've played it my whole life. Only to realise that I'm the catalyst to your life, my raw energy is being used by you. Why weren't you giving anything back? My selflessness has been my strength and probably my biggest flaw. I do not care for your love, it doesn't exist. Show me its presence, I promise you it will be returned back three times the amount. You can feel my love, without feeling its empty place once its gone. The void I feel is meant for only me to fill. One day I will get there and I will not look back at those people who didn't believe in me with a boastful sense, with an air of significance. Your doubt has never been fuel for me, it only has made me feel pity. I am not saddened that you cannot see what I see. How can I prove to you what is real when I have yet to prove it to myself. I want nothing more but to manifest my vision into this reality, because what the fuck else is there for me to do?

I am so tired of hearing, whatever is meant to be will be. The only thing that is meant to be is the past. Everything else is up for grabs, for me the key is to always keep moving my feet. My emotions can weigh very heavily at times, it has made me fall on my face over and over again. I cannot say that it gets easier getting back up, but it does get better.



I am not destined for a single direction because I feel like I'm going all over the place,
and what's so wrong about that?