What you are looking for does not exist. Go ahead and face it for a bit. Let the thought soak in. What you are looking for, does not exist. I've sent out personal invitations to all of my favourite guests. 7:30 P.M. sharp, everyone dressed up! Welcome to my pity party. Do you like the curtin's hanging in my room?
Looking for time?
Time,
does not exist.
So we fight and resist,
place meaning to such.
Feeling it touch our memories.
Shade them with blue.
If the right isn't either,
and the false isn't true?
Then tell me please,
what should I do?
A dead glance with no stare.
Who actually does
and who actually dares?
What was it because?
And nobody cares.
Nobody loves so nobody shares.
But I refuse.
You have lost life, I can see it in your eyes.
Defeated, exhausted, your fire has extinguished!
You embrace the outcome of it all.
I was the one wrong.
Simple isn't easy.
You must focus,
if you want to continue to stay strong.
Strong for what strong for who?
I don't see anybody running?
See that's the problem
about thinking you're a special something.
Everything is always grande!
The moment of a lifetime.
The moment that we all want to remember.
Is this actually it? Is it actually you?
I wish to connect even though I already have. I say this whole heartedly. It's not drifting through life anymore when purpose is felt. Purpose or distraction, is there a difference? I mean, look at your life compared to the one idealised. Imagine if it was you that was idealised. How would it then be to live in your shoes? How we thirst for such knowledge, hence t.v. shows are created. The result of your vanity feeds and maintains a million delusions. Does the diluted life hold as much meaning as the one driven by vanity? The flashiness of one, and the wishfulness of the other. Such a strong contrast, how it both needs each other so very badly. Where do I fit in? Where do you stand? Do you ever find yourself wishing to be sitting next to me? Relaxed as my mind races. How I wish to grow comfort with your many different faces. You smile, I breathe. I hold it for you, exhale whenever. I am consumed by your purple.
I wish to connect. I want to deny. Can I resist? How easy is it to part ways from everyday routine? I wish to never look back. My thoughts visit frequent enough. Her, and her too. It's not just you. Every single thought that has ever touched my soul. A soul with such plain colours, why do I feel that it should paint something more? I know that this is all it is, yet I can change it. So can you! Let every dream come true! So I pick us, I can pick you! A one sided battle. Love and belonging! Is that all that we want? I chase my dreams, because if I don't then death is all that is left. Death will have its day and selfish that day will be. So why are we so conformed in the midst of such chaos. It makes no sense.
I wish to connect, before I am kissed by death. I see a future with you. Yet the truth is that it is just a distraction from the future that I wish to build for myself. Every step I take for myself is taken with such heaviness. Shortness of breath! As if creating my own destiny is met by a resisting force that carries such strong malice. I feel myself fighting this dark energy whenever I take a step for myself. I feel stupid, worthless, I feel it all become so pointless. I believe it all is pointless, but I really feel myself drowning in such waters whenever I take initiative. I push through every word now, just as I am writing. You read this wondering the meaning of my sentence? I write this fighting for my existence. I want to create meaning for myself but the core of my soul knows that it does not exist. We are terrified that we do not matter.
But I want to feel terrified, just to let fear itself know that this is just a moment that passes. Once it grips us it is forced to let go. Nothing can hold you forever, even the better days that have come and are sure to arrive again soon! So let it go when it arrives. Let it wash right through you. I'm done holding on. I want to let all the nonsense flow, to me there is no difference between profound and stupid. Doesn't one need to exist so the other one can be recognised? Why is it that my arrogance allows me to believe in my own intelligence and I only find comfort among those that I find stupid? Is it pity? Truth be told, it is envy.
Envy to those that I feel better than. They live while I loath. They laugh while I wonder. They're wrapped up in simplicity while I ponder purpose. They fall in love while I'm still twisted and tangled. I spawned into existence fighting for a normal day. My head is not normal yet my life ended up being so ordinary. I continue to wish for that which I do not deserve. I watch you indulge, how you exercise your entitlement with such ease. It's the strength I wish I had. Maybe then I could've made her mine. If you are waiting for a coherent thought, you have made it far enough to know that I write this sober, for once. Again I raise the thought of why we have chosen a life filled with conformity in the midst of all this chaos. Why?
Chaos is all this is. This existence that requires stop signs and contracts and forced public education filled with ADHD diagnoses with cramped hospitals filled with privileged people that can afford to be reckless because someone else is paying the bill while millions of people are sitting watching trillions of hours of t.v. every year. and here we are while war is waged while the wages stay low and the cost of living rises and vanity makes me anti-social and you popular and here I am wishing I was you and who knows what you wish for. Musicians making music that is played in a club that has a minimum two thousand dollar bottle service but we can't get in because one of the friends got caught having cocaine on them. Through all of this, we now need to raise awareness to that which everyone is already aware of. Aware of what? Injustice and poverty? While I'm worried about how I'm going to be spending two grand at a club while millions of people are living in slums and take note that I worked ten weeks straight to save this two grand. The one suffering is the most aware being the victim. The oppressor is aware because they are the cause. Who is left? Me and you? Are you trying to tell me that you have no idea rape, murder and theft exist? Please.
I used to be crippled by the weight of the world, carrying its problems proudly on my shoulders believing awareness to be the solution. Except for it's not. We all know what the fuck is happening. Awareness paralyses everyone. Get the fuck out of my way so I can eat. Chaos.
And now all hell breaks loose.
As if hell has never broken loose before.
Don't be so naive.
You're not so special.
You are so very ordinary.
You are the solution
I am the solution
Nothing else
Chaos
