A Glass Of Wine With a Couple Of Puffs

The cold Florida weather
how exciting
I have come out of a gloom
Where time Just does not stop
expiring
It's all timeless
we're all counting seconds
till it starts
or till ends

I pretend nothing
i thought
How do you understand the difference really
I assume to be impossible

Need I explain why?
Probably not.

But I do
to myself actually.

Points without aim
are pointless.

So why are you telling me this,
is what I ask
in my head
because I pretend
I pretend
To listen to you
Why?

It's because I am sheltering you from hurt feelings
I believe those words
will hurt you
So I do not say them

I have chosen this as my path
And I am okay with it

Tell me what a surrendered thought sounds like

It's not the thoughts you hear
only actions you ever see

Words and actions
are a very strange combination

What is one without the other?
What is chaos without clutter?
What Is a daydream without stutter?
How do we hesitate and end up in a gutter?
How does your voice bother me so much and I don't bother
To ever speak up and find a reason to suffer


The root is irrelevant
calming the negligent
Fraud in the depth of it
Is caused by the

by the.......


I cannot think about what the word is,
crazy right


How I can lose my place
in Plain sight
My aims tight
Well I sway right

Or left
or whatever
Is said to be clever
The mind thats cloudy
will hear never

Run into the next one to climb over you
Because that's the world we live in

And it is that way
just because....


Because we want reason that we will never get
Wake up

Wake up

Crazy is when there is no reason
That's crazy

"Why did he do that!!?"

"I don't know, that's crazy"

We want to place reason on what just happened opposed to going with our gut

Because our guts are so wrong

They will lead you astray
all to yourself

But if that is what you want
then Hell yeah you're living right

Are you choosing your life?
The inside details of it,
is who you are.

Never forget that.
To establish yourself

You must first know thyself young grasshopper

From tree to tree
Curiosity is a crazy thing
I imagine almost everyone is equally curios
except the randomness variable
You see actuality is a funny thing
It always proves my points wrong sometimes
I hate being wrong

I mean I admit when I am wrong
I just feel like no one wants to hear it
so they don't remember it

I like the sound of my voice
not the tone
but just how smart I feel when I am saying those words
My words don't have to actually be smart for me to feel that way
It's like you're a dummy.

Only the dummy will get upset,
so now the dummy thinks you're smarter than him.

A dummy will not like it when you make him feel stupid,

Not make yourself seem smarter

You just have to make him feel stupid

They rest will take care of itself

When a real smart person is around me

I feel like a dummy

Here's the thing about me though

Only I get to pick who I think is really smart

So if you think you're really smart too

I do not care

I'll be the judge thank you

Don't try to construct my walls

So why do I not say anything

What's worth something these days?

Honestly

Something real and genuine

It's not holding on

It's growth

and its beautiful

Quite honestly

It's patience

It's giving in

It's standing up

It's twirling together

Upwards increasing in speed

A strong foundation can support a castle
and I mean honestly, where do you want to be in the next 10 years?

ten years ago
I was just 15
sophmore?

Never even touched a girls butt
That's a lie
8th grade
there was this 6th grader
Terrible...
But so many 8th graders were dating 6th graders
I was always like I would never
Yet I remember I grabbed this girls butt so hard
like there was no control

So why is suppression a good thing?
Why do we want rules
Because without written rules we are just like everything else
Are the rules just an illusion?

Yet actuality always has its presence
How do we say goodbye to the living?
God, why did you create us so sensitive?


I just read Dostoevsky's quotes and it made me feel like an idiot

If you made it this far
Check out these quotes

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/f/fyodor_dostoevsky.html

Growth

The little leader
tries to squirm and catch the attention of none
except for her
he waits for her to come out
just so he can see her

It's sad
isn't it? how much power she can hold
without her knowing the part that we never told

Power step
and inch closer
in your own head
the promise you made to yourself
hasn't been forgotten
at least not yet

Even while the eyes are closed shut
there is still a vision strong enough
to carry your mind further into a slow strut

Never finishes moving its feet
constantly changes the same feel
Hesitate to open my eyes
who's still here to help me heal?

I make such a big deal
really, it's nothing.

Stretch yourself out,
literally
words are so boring
and intimacy?
Can be so self absorbing

Intuitively,
I run through clouds of memories from the past
but I set them up ahead
just so I can time my reactions properly
based on the emotion I desire

Time travel can be real
Have you ever woken up from a dream?
That was more exciting then the life you live?

Well once the process of waking up shakes the mind,
It can really attempt to blind

So much structure is necessary
achieve to climb
out of the cage
that was created for me

The past is the only thing that is meant to be.
One who looks forward for it
I don't quite believe to be free.

You believe too much in your own will
then try to convince yourself it's destiny

I am in a position
where I can listen
for too long,
yet it's permission
I hate to receive
for my belief
that I don't need
It to be fit
for my actions to be
perceived as
Me being so free spirited
Yet I keep myself limited
the end of the fence
who ever positioned this?
To be set so indifferent

What do we not trust?
Ourselves when we're all alone?

Rather be controlled than control yourself.
What a sad conclusion
usually made
by one standing outside of the fence
looking in
watching everyone run around
having a good time
So we say "ignorance is bliss"
Like that makes us feel any better


Well it's been a while since I stood outside that yard
looking in,
I've been long gone since.
Walking a direction alone,
requires the ability of not looking back at who is coming with.

I told you I was an attention whore.

Day by day,
piles up eventually
into a successful effort
or another wasteful pile.

Either you gain something or you learn from your mistakes.

Synchronizing your actions with what you know,
is literally the hardest part.

Yet it will be so easily said
by those who haven't really done anything yet.

Just take a single tiny step,
The last thing you will feel is regret.
I promise you,
Have I lied to you yet?

I do admit,
Occasionally I think about who's mind I might cross.
Thankfully it doesn't occupy all my time
anymore...

The power of time,
don't ever doubt it.

You'll drive yourself crazy staring at a tree wanting to see its growth happening.

Go (away) with your gut

Stuck
in the moment
I guess
Or just caught up on a phase
For too hard
and too Long.

Every Direction seems so drastic,
Is it just me that makes it seem so?
Perhaps just undeveloped thoughts,
I would have thought of it on my own
Later on
maybe
Anyway?

Is it that hard for me to give credit
to those I spitefully feel are not worthy

Maybe I just have an extremely large ego,
deflated at best!

Well either that or I might just have a God complex,
It feels like it,
of course by definition,
Only am I speaking of.

Just keep swimming?
Well what if you get tired and hit land,
is it wrong to want to walk on the sand?

I guess wrong and right have been battling since day 1,

Everyone knows
when they're right,
and nobody knows
when they're wrong.

So I might as well start screaming bullshit for no reason as well.
Oh but when I join your bullshit mindset,
you accuse me of acting like a teenager?

Well duh,
that's what I get for trying to understand.

Why wasn't that obvious?

Are we literally cloaked at times?
I feel as if we are.

Every interaction is different.
Energy flows every second

Have you every tried to light a wet match?


My off tangent thoughts,
brought to you by who ever keeps changing the station.
Written formalities,
tech-no-babble

Get it off your chest
but I don't even know what it is yet?
Get something that just looks like it got a bunch of regrets.
What's worse then a mind wasting?

How Do we stop?

Love and happiness are not found
when being materialistic.

and that is why we left the jungle,
I'm sure.

We are all Hypocrites
or in denial.
In a small way at the least,
I mean
We are human



The good hearts get taken advantage of
while snakes will be snakes.



I just showed up to enjoy the view.

Compliments To The Chef

What I'm willing
but it's killing me
to do
is to make a commitment
With the intent
for it
to stay true

Push out the weak thought
that just circles into chaos
Find your inner grip
Hold on to it
careful how tight
watch your own hard sweat
be the reason
you let it slip

Ironic
so probable
Spend time to unwind
all the twisted and tangled spines

Yet the remote in my hand
is controlled
by who I suppose
is the Crook or culprit
Excuses
Let's see how far they can go!

Travel with me,
please
it's not often my hands are free
It just seems it right now
My heels went over my head
And Now I'm shocked
that I fell to the ground

I'm always walking with doubt
I've never felt clear in my cloud
Who's hearing this now?
Me screaming so loud?

But silence is met
Caused by realities scent
fuckin loosing my mind
I tell myself
it's all in your head!

I'm just one of you
you're all screaming for attention
yet you deny that to be what you really intended

I believe what I see
I've lost so much faith
The most beautiful song
The presence of her grace

Looney filled thoughts
blocked off by primitive barks
I'm pounding my chest
to prove I hold no fear in the dark

Yet my actions speak louder than my words

for certain
i admit
that I wish
for that to be true

Confused when I speak
left stranded too quick
on purposed to make you feel stupid I think

Confused by the ring
Or just the sound that it makes
Who woke up my demon
just to prove that it's fake

There is no such thing as demons
You're not special at all
Just shut your fucking mouth
she said
and catch me IF I fall

I talk of the past
because I yearn for it
dear

Pillow hair
speaks
to hungover
me

In the mirror feel shame
or just unsettling thoughts
In such a strange place
I've happened to come

No idea about anyone
Constantly counting
My behavior is changing
ever so crowded

My head is big
because it's running out of room
If I get another compliment
it might just go boom

Never know how to end it
because I accept
that I will be taken by death

So come find me
but i hope it takes you a while
And I want you to tell your friends
That I put up a hell of a fight

My foolish confidence
leads me to places
that i never could name

To know how to stand
in a room
with such an unfamiliar face

Play with the danger
that's flooding your head
There is no time left later
because later you're dead

Will you dig your own grave
so no one has to dig it for you?
Such a nice person
thinking ahead
really
is that an action inspired by compassion

That person sure doesn't lack empathy
Coherent
you moron

What's the matter
you lost your footing?

trust me you're not the first
just stand up

Or you can just wait
for people
who you think are going to come
stop their lives
come sit
and cry with you

People left crying at the bottom roll around till they find each other
Now You have a friend you can cry too!

The best part is
neither of you is listening
just saying your own words
for theirs never to be heard

Me me me
sure, thing sweetie
My girlfriend is hassling me
She thinks that I'm like fucking someone else
so she's starting to act crazy

Are you though?
yeah
But no she's thinking I'm cheating for different reasons
she has no clue about that though

I really don't get it
why you mad bro?

I don't miss my past
i want to do that later
But it can have such a strong pull
As if you're never in control
You're only conscious to witness the actions

And be held accountable
with the highest of standards

I cannot predict the future
I'm just really good at stating my opinion

I'm losing focus
I'm feeling so down

There's no one to help me
So I guess I'll use myself
to get off the ground

Monsters

Growing up I was surrounded by family,
everyone loved everyone,
well at least it felt like everyone
loved me,
as I did them,
Feeling like you’re far from home,
blood will always support its own,

I would lose my center step,
as if I couldn’t grasp the most simple concept
I don’t care what you say
right now my heart screams for its home
in the oddest of ways.

Parallel we strung along

Never to cross paths,
So now I realize that I was just this curios guy
running around like a little kid
just wondering
what’s on the other side

I’ve open the doors now
to most that have closed,
Never did I imagine these days to come,
A much needed reflection
of a clear image
of myself.

Where is my soul and heart?
And if home is where the heart is
I’ve got a long ways to walk
I open the door
and they were waiting all along.

My mother said to me,

I knew you were coming back!
Not for a second did I not pray to God for you to come back
I know,
I have faith in God
I know he loves us.
She hugged me so hard,
I felt her relief,
she no longer feared
for the eternal outcome of my soul
The love of a mother
will defy reason
on the coldest day of any Winter,
I guess you could say

My fathers words I remember the most
when he welcomed me back home
He offered me his trust again,
and hugged and kissed me,

I accepted and said I'm ready to build the house from scratch
He wiped his tears
smiled and said,
you have a long ways to go.

The little ones were both there
playing their own game!

Hadude  is home!
Look!
They were fighting over who I snatch up first
So I grabbed them both
Held them up high
spun them around
I started dancing in the room

They were giggling with ease

I've haven't felt this happy in years
Threw them on the couch
Tickled them both into complete submission

Happy as can be it felt,
and I finally realized.
My search for home is over.

Goodness,
I honestly don’t know what made that come out.
What a bull shit story.
Cartoons are for kids. Grow up ya clown.
Trying to have the coolest room
as if trying to compensate for all the
"loss of cool points"
in highschool

Ugh you’re so pathetic.
Smile at me already,
Why do you hold it in?
And if you’re not, then shit who’s time are you wasting?
If not your own.

I don’t care if you waste my time,
I just want to ask
if you care whether or not
you waste your own time
with a follow up question…..
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I literally stopped writing and took like 10 minutes off because I just didn’t like where I was going with that.

Deal with it,
okay like I just got done writing about my family,
I was telling you a wishful pretend story that my mother every day visualizes happening someday,
....one day


I chuckle out loud like a douche sometimes
C.O.L.
col……..
cololololol
COLLLLLL!!!!!
COL!

Chuckle is legit,
I don’t know if I have mentioned this yet,
but the day I got back from Tucson,
I had such a crazy,
VIVID dream.

Listen,
I know I used  to complain about how the word vivid
didn’t fit,
it’s own definition,
based on the way it sounds.

I believe it should only be applied when you remember a dream clearly.
Dreams are vivid,
nothing is ever clear.

In this dream,
I lived in some weird fuckin underworld demon society,
where my neighbors that I lived with,
were these cruel
dark and gruesome
yet extremely powerful and majestical
demons…demented demons,
fuck you
I’m definitely not trying to describe dementors,
if anything their color in my dreams
were toxic,
Not a glow,
just…idk
it was gritty,

These creatures I lived with
it seemed like
hated each other
knowing it would never change
never to grant an ounce of mercy

If such occasion would ever rise
why end him
when you can keep him alive
Just to torture
and strip him down more

Peel flesh,
there is no sick need for it,
not because I want,
just because I can.

It was a nightmare I was in,
and I was aware I was in it.
I chose to explore,
my neighbors worlds.
Their wickedness scared me
Horrifying sensations,
heavy dark gloom
weighing you down,

The biggest stand out for me was

How  my neighbors were so horrifying
but never harmed me,

and oddly displayed how they would never wish to harm me
The way they would harm each other.

Now I regret no trying to harm one of them.

whatever

The dream got all dark and scary,

I got so scared where I gave up and just said fuck this

At one point I wished death upon myself because I knew it would end the dream.

I felt like I spent a lifetime in that dream.

Haaaah,
I babble
too much.

BABBLEONEAN

“See trust is like building a house,
he said
One piece at a time
Once you break the smallest piece
It’ll all come crumbling down…”

My 16 bars.

Redefine what's hard to find Give up little kid you've had enough
Fake a smile to shake a mind from ever reaching my Realest thought's

To provoke a beast That hides with ease and dies to feast
Don't try to be weak you waste time when you try to hide your life with a lie You can't follow this guy

Pick a topic just so you could cop it I mean every bitch needs gossip
And trip when they lose profit A Fine line to be crossed
so Goddamn often

GIve em what they get no need to ever mention it like a Bitter little bitch that holds it over your head

Can't ride the wave that you create So your mistake will you take  blame?

Your diluted one-sided view seems to be too bullet proof to ever make you understand that Yes you happen to be the fool

But every shed needs a tool to make it look whichever direction the mind took
The mind of a crook that hides in its nook

That cries out lies and denies what is right
Don't stick your nose in a fight

and get upset when it gets broken your spirit can't handle real words when they're spoken

You plan your attack from an angle that I understand But it can't ever gain respect as an act of a man

You color your feather based on the sound of the weather collecting pebbles so clever wondering if a chick will like em ever pretend maybe but really
never

Pathetic dude believes in his ways to be real moves Like check it this is what you're supposed to do Just go ahead and get off me
if you're a bitch then yes this is about you

I dissect and leave no mess, I help you see the mirror clearer It's not me who makes you feel less

Get defensive by insults that were never meant
damn you're sensitive

Can't play the hand you were dealt like the grass is greener tryna be somebody else?
You're stuck as yourself

you'll die lonely I promise drown in a sea full of lies or live a life where to be real is to be honest

Tell me... Tell me...

Yes,
the days fly by really fast,

especially when looking back.

Defining the meaning of the current moment,
seems to be a definition philosophers have been arguing over for a while.

Arguing seems like a dramatic assumption,
but what's life without a little exaggerated drama?

Moments define us,
words can hold so much weight,
since we have nothing else left as artillery,
in such a domesticated world
that we live in.


World, meaning just the world I live in.

Western World,

far away from war,

Which currently is happening at all levels.
Like it always has been.

has-been.
or a never was.

You choose which lesser value you want to hold.

I weigh myself down, only to fight through all the conflict that stands in front of me.

There has to be conflict,
we have to overcome adversity.

When I am a parent,
I will fabricate it.

Experiences teach,
words are harder to grasp
when emotions seem to drive the spirit.

People lack spirit,
whatever one might think "spirit" means.

Individualism is something I will always hold on too.

I mean, shit...

What else do we have?


And I am not the one to say, Just worry about yourself in this lonely world, because that is a sad sad life...


Place your trust in others,
understanding and accepting that it can be broken.

But it's the chance that you gave,
that gives us a shot,
at what we want.


regrets regrets...

i have none.

And I want to say that on my death bed.

Death motivates me,
since my actions will forever echo,
as long as eternity lets it.


So why not cannon ball into every scenario?

I sure wish I could follow my own advice,
Believe me,
I really do try.


To be this self-proclaimed figure,
who can capture the image
who can live the dream
that I fantasize for me
and
only me...

I'll take my reality over yours,
I have a good heart.

I don't need your negativity to be another pathetic attempt
trying to make me doubt myself.

When it is not even your intention to make me doubt myself,
that's just the reaction to our chemical balance trying to draw a conclusion.

Leaving you more confused than I.

Since I see where it is heading,
and you can only grasp as much as you can control.

Obsessive behavior,
in order to prove you do understand,
more than the average.

Excuse me but I'm bored.


I have a goal,
I am past refusing to adapt in a smaller world,
therefore I have learned to always adapt to every situation.

I have learned to respect smaller worlds that I just could not recognize.

Because they consist of people,
the same people I want to bring joy too.

The same people I want to make laugh and smile.

So the self centered attitude, doesn't really make sense,
when I need your attention in order to succeed,
yet it is not your opinion I need.

Just a quick wave in your short term mind,
for me to feel a confidence boost,
to help me get by.

I tried to sell my soul to the devil,
but for some reason,
even the devil seemed too preoccupied in worrying about whether or not people thought he was cool.

He tried to act like he cared about me,
but I saw right through the act.

Turns out,
no one has the time
to give people what they ask for.

We live in a world where we have to figure out how to take what we want?


How do we do that?

First let's be honest with our desire.

What is it that we want?
Then,
let's apply some logic and reason behind our desires.
A little girl wants ice cream just because mommy said she cannot have any.

So how much energy will this little girl waste trying to get ice cream?

Cry?
throw a fit?
Pout for a while?

over what?

Seems basic, yet

in all reality,
how often do we ask ourself,

"why do I need, or want this?"

Yes,
need and want are two different things,

and I could bullshit for hours about my self-praised "opinion" trying to differentiate the two.


back to the topic.

How to obtain what our hearts desire.


Combination of giving it your all

so the day does not come
where you look back
and regret,
your effort.

And the ability to let it be......
letting
what you desire
have its own free movement


Seems like two opposite ends
North and south.

All we can do is help ourselves grow,

I don't feel love when only I dream of it.

How can I possibly learn to go after and capture my dreams
with full effort,
and at the same time....
letting the universe
just flow in its own unpredictable way?

We have such strong issues with not knowing what is next.

Agree with me,
when I say,

that humans have learned to get away with being obsessive
calling it "just trying to understand"

Accept the unknown

but you can't

That's okay,
because we are the same person
that one day
Will Die...

Just a momentary existence,

without any previous memory,

and scared of what's next.

Fear can paralyze.
but I like the adrenaline rush

of just walking up to you.

And telling you how I feel.

your reaction validates my previous thoughts,
regardless of the words you speak.

because trust me,
your body says it all.

Dare to stand,
only because no one else has the will power,

just to prove you can.

To the world
or yourself.

What is the difference really?

We are the World,
because if it's not us?

Then tell me,
you smart fuck.

Who is it then?