Mr. Lonely?

I have lots of my mind, but no way to express any of it. I stare at the screen and wonder what can I say that will express the way I feel. In some ways I want to say, I feel empty inside. Like there is nothing there. But I don't think that is the best word to describe it. In some ways I disagree with myself for thinking that. Come on, I am the most 'full-of-life'  person I know. How can I be possible empty inside? Let alone the fact that it sounds completely estrogen like. Maybe I am just bored of the same routine in my life. Not in anyway am I saying I am sick of the friends I currently have, its just something to think about if this was to be your routine for the rest of your life. 'Well you won't be in school forever, so you will see some change'.

When I analyze my life as I grow older and older, for some reason I feel like the number of "acquaintances" keeps dropping. The majority of friends we have now are held together by school, or the common interests we have at this age. In 10 years will I still have interests in sitting outside my restaurant and smoking hookah with the people I smoke with? Something tells me I won't. So what will my interests be in 10 years? I won't have school anymore to keep me around friends, and my interests will definitely not be the same. At the same time, why am I even worried about this right now? Shouldn't I just wait to cross that road when I get there? Maybe I am just afraid that once that time comes I'll be completely lonely. At the same time, as time progresses and the number of friends grows smaller, there are certain people that I have built strong friendships with. And I consider those certain people to be my close friends. If you asked me in high school how many close friends I had, I would have lost count.

Now it is different though, I actually met people that I have become friends with, not because we share the same common interests or we just happen to be at the same place together a lot. I feel like now, it is more than just having similar interest, I feel like it is deeper than that. Something like having the same views in life, and in this I do not mean religion or politics. All of my close friends have opposite views on both of those matters. How a person carries him or herself, how much their mind is intact with reality. How much that person simply just 'gets me'. (I think I am having a hard time explaining this maybe due to the time) As time goes on I have seen the true colors of many of my so called friends. Many of them are liars, assholes, shit talkers, and 'to good for you' types of people. The ones I became close with were not any of those types of people. Well you might say "duhhh" but all those people I just described have close friends. Lying is not an interest that you can share with a person, it is a direct result on how you view life. So when two people view life as a place where they can take advantage of situations motivated  by their personal desires, lying will be a huge tool used in the process. In other words, people that will lie out their ass to get what they want, to seem like they are a big deal, or simply to get some tail, are not the types of people I have chose to be close friends with.

Now how do I view life? When I ask myself I really do not know how to come up with a short answer. But the best answer I can come up with, "I view life as an opportunity to be the most good-hearted person I can be". When I enter a room my goal is to put a smile on everyones face. When I see my mom when she is stressed out, I act goofy and silly and crack as many jokes as I can, so I know that while I was with her she laughed and forgot about her worries. When I know my friend is in deep concern or trouble, I want to be the one to listen and say it is gonna be okay. I want everyone that knows me to think of me as a good person, because being good in my eyes, is the greatest feeling one can achieve.

So when I have these views in common with someone, I understand now why our friendship is so close. What does it really mean if me and someone both have common interests in sports, music, food and etc. Don't get me wrong, it is great to have all these in common when your with just regular friends, or as I call them acquaintances. I feel like having the same views in life allow people to connect on a much deeper level which ultimately create a more meaningful relationship. Luckily for me, I have about a handful of people that I consider to be my close friends. So if I have these close friends why else would I feel lonely?

So now I just proved to myself that I am not lonely because the number of my friends went down throughout the years,  because I would much rather have the few close friends I have today then having many acquaintances overall. So why is it when I go to sleep at night, I cannot fall asleep? I think I have finally allowed myself to admit the answer.