Perhaps I write this angry, unable to locate the source of anger. If I can make a general guess, I would say its sexual frustration. What base creatures we all are. I wonder, as I stare at all members of my family, how they can just -- be. I envy it, I truely do. Watching all the married people worry about their kids, while the wives are multitasking working full time jobs and parenting, while the fathers make their jokes around the table, happy to be able to put their troubles aside for a second. As if the only reason we fill our plates up is to have something to keep us distracted.
The people that aren't married are too busy wanting to hang out with their friends and just like that we are leaving our early twenties. Once we leave those friends, there's nothing really to go back too. I have left vacant the sides of many dear friends with the justification of self-progress. Now that I have made strides, my only wish is to be back with those that I've connected with the most because one thing I know is that the older we get, the less likely we are to create new connections. Especially for myself, I feel so closed off to people and I'm never impressed by anyone I meet.
I am sick and tired of being alone but I know that being with 'someone' doesn't cure this feeling of disparity. I tell myself that I have to continue working on myself but this force of dark reasoning keeps pressing on me asking, "for what, for what?" How do I answer that? How does anyone answer that? There are nearly 8 billion people on this planet and we are all supposed to believe our lives have great meaning? Give me a break. How many lives have existed and suffered and died? Yes, these are depressing thoughts, but what good are they to me if I internalise them? I want to be a positive force in this dark universe but I want the world to know that it is fucking hard man. It is hard.
I want to bring joy to myself and those around me but people with no moral compass just come around for a brief moment and just do a quick dance and that can be enough to just bring me right back down to place that I hate. This place in my mind where I just don't see the point of anything. I try my hardest to motivate myself in that fog of meaninglessness, "if it all really means nothing then what is holding me back from conquering my dreams?" How uplifting right? How come I don't feel it now? Ups and downs. I need balance, not ups and downs.
I am making progress towards my goals in life. I have set these goals for myself because that is what truely represents me, at least I hope it does. Then there is this repetitive thought, it's all a distraction. A distraction from what?
There are moments where I truely understand the value of leading a healthy lifestyle, now more than ever. Exercising, having proper diet, not drinking and smoking blah blah. The people that love me are comforted knowing that these habits do not occupy my life anymore, which is great, and I myself see the amount of focus that I have gained which I am then able to apply to further fuel my ambition. Ambition, ambition.
Then I come across a person that is more ambitious than me, at least from where I am standing. Their minds are on constant overdrive, thinking about the next step as they're executing their current step, as if these people are unable to ever experience a single moment of lethargy. Is that what it takes to be truely successful? Sometimes I get myself to believe that, 'yes, that is what it takes to become successful'. If that is the case, then perhaps success is not meant for me, at least not in that form. I want to create my own portrayal of success, one that speaks to the billions of lives that live in a similar fashion.
All the broken people feel special because they believe that their traumatic experiences make them unique in a way that no one can relate with. I assume this because that is how I feel, which leads me to assume that that is how all broken people feel. The sad reality is that we are not special at all, we're just broken. The cruel win, and the broken wallow. We all want to be heartless and cruel but we cannot because we are weak so we hide behind the falsehood of morality and goodness. That is me challenging you. Smile.
It is a common belief that in order to make true progress, one has to be able to identify the reality of their current situation, only then can we move forward. If we accept the present for something that it isn't, then any progress that is made is a delusion created to further take us away from accepting the true reality that we live in. But how are we to differentiate between how you see the world and how I see the world? Who is to say that your vision of reality is more concrete making my perception of reality just a flimsy house of cards. Is this the part where I ask you to not turn on the fan?
I sit here with my privilege, the ability to reflect on my depression in a safe ventilated room located inside of a decent-sized modern looking house. Whose got it better and whose got it worse? Where do we look? Do I look down at the less fortunate in order to feel better about myself. The less fortunate smile, raising their hands to the sky thanking god, embracing the unknown direction of their fate. Or do I look up, and despise those that I perceive to have so much, so much of the things that I wish I had. I despise them because they do not deserve their luxury because I am the one that deserves such lavish delicacies. Jealousy jealousy..
Just like that, life will end, the hereafter will then have its turn and so begins the next saga. I want to look forward to tomorrow, I want to be excited for what's ahead. That feeling I used to get, the night before the first day of school, that is what I want, that exhilarating uncontrollable eagerness. Truth is, it is now up to us to create that environment, every single aspect of that dream world. When we were kids, the world was new and everyday had the potential to offer something different. We entered every scene with curiosity because possibilities felt endless. Then we spend the next, I don't know how many years, chasing that high until our fires extinguished, and that is the moment when society expects us to say, "Well, I guess it's time to settle down now."
But how many of us don't want to settle? After we have exhausted the flame of our own passion, we want to regain everything that we just gave away so recklessly. The world was our stage, every step was something new, and it turns out that we were walking in one big circle. Now these steps have become all too familiar, the world has lost its mystery. The stage that was given to us is no more because, just like the memories it gave us, it's all collecting dust.
There are two ways to create new memories. One, drugs and alcohol. Two, embracing our vision and relying on hard work. We all have visions of what we want and that is a journey on its own. How we conquer and stand by our visions will be the first part of embracing our new journey. Hard work, the two easiest words said but the deciding factor for people like us who have nothing. Through embracing our vision and being committed to hard work, it becomes possible to build an environment that allows the opportunity for the creation of a world where fresh ideas and new experiences flourish. Sounds like a magical place filled with rainbows, pass me the drugs and alcohol. Shortcut.
I don't know, I struggle to maintain. I have to give myself these long pep talks to get myself out of these funks that I experience. I just hope this resonates with at least one person out there who perhaps, in their own way, is experiencing their own struggle, wondering how to maintain their 'ordinary' life. I hope this helps because writing this helped me.
Whoever you are,
I love you?
I am making progress towards my goals in life. I have set these goals for myself because that is what truely represents me, at least I hope it does. Then there is this repetitive thought, it's all a distraction. A distraction from what?
There are moments where I truely understand the value of leading a healthy lifestyle, now more than ever. Exercising, having proper diet, not drinking and smoking blah blah. The people that love me are comforted knowing that these habits do not occupy my life anymore, which is great, and I myself see the amount of focus that I have gained which I am then able to apply to further fuel my ambition. Ambition, ambition.
Then I come across a person that is more ambitious than me, at least from where I am standing. Their minds are on constant overdrive, thinking about the next step as they're executing their current step, as if these people are unable to ever experience a single moment of lethargy. Is that what it takes to be truely successful? Sometimes I get myself to believe that, 'yes, that is what it takes to become successful'. If that is the case, then perhaps success is not meant for me, at least not in that form. I want to create my own portrayal of success, one that speaks to the billions of lives that live in a similar fashion.
All the broken people feel special because they believe that their traumatic experiences make them unique in a way that no one can relate with. I assume this because that is how I feel, which leads me to assume that that is how all broken people feel. The sad reality is that we are not special at all, we're just broken. The cruel win, and the broken wallow. We all want to be heartless and cruel but we cannot because we are weak so we hide behind the falsehood of morality and goodness. That is me challenging you. Smile.It is a common belief that in order to make true progress, one has to be able to identify the reality of their current situation, only then can we move forward. If we accept the present for something that it isn't, then any progress that is made is a delusion created to further take us away from accepting the true reality that we live in. But how are we to differentiate between how you see the world and how I see the world? Who is to say that your vision of reality is more concrete making my perception of reality just a flimsy house of cards. Is this the part where I ask you to not turn on the fan?
I sit here with my privilege, the ability to reflect on my depression in a safe ventilated room located inside of a decent-sized modern looking house. Whose got it better and whose got it worse? Where do we look? Do I look down at the less fortunate in order to feel better about myself. The less fortunate smile, raising their hands to the sky thanking god, embracing the unknown direction of their fate. Or do I look up, and despise those that I perceive to have so much, so much of the things that I wish I had. I despise them because they do not deserve their luxury because I am the one that deserves such lavish delicacies. Jealousy jealousy..
Just like that, life will end, the hereafter will then have its turn and so begins the next saga. I want to look forward to tomorrow, I want to be excited for what's ahead. That feeling I used to get, the night before the first day of school, that is what I want, that exhilarating uncontrollable eagerness. Truth is, it is now up to us to create that environment, every single aspect of that dream world. When we were kids, the world was new and everyday had the potential to offer something different. We entered every scene with curiosity because possibilities felt endless. Then we spend the next, I don't know how many years, chasing that high until our fires extinguished, and that is the moment when society expects us to say, "Well, I guess it's time to settle down now."
But how many of us don't want to settle? After we have exhausted the flame of our own passion, we want to regain everything that we just gave away so recklessly. The world was our stage, every step was something new, and it turns out that we were walking in one big circle. Now these steps have become all too familiar, the world has lost its mystery. The stage that was given to us is no more because, just like the memories it gave us, it's all collecting dust.
There are two ways to create new memories. One, drugs and alcohol. Two, embracing our vision and relying on hard work. We all have visions of what we want and that is a journey on its own. How we conquer and stand by our visions will be the first part of embracing our new journey. Hard work, the two easiest words said but the deciding factor for people like us who have nothing. Through embracing our vision and being committed to hard work, it becomes possible to build an environment that allows the opportunity for the creation of a world where fresh ideas and new experiences flourish. Sounds like a magical place filled with rainbows, pass me the drugs and alcohol. Shortcut.
I don't know, I struggle to maintain. I have to give myself these long pep talks to get myself out of these funks that I experience. I just hope this resonates with at least one person out there who perhaps, in their own way, is experiencing their own struggle, wondering how to maintain their 'ordinary' life. I hope this helps because writing this helped me.
Whoever you are,
I love you?
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