Compliments To The Chef

What I'm willing
but it's killing me
to do
is to make a commitment
With the intent
for it
to stay true

Push out the weak thought
that just circles into chaos
Find your inner grip
Hold on to it
careful how tight
watch your own hard sweat
be the reason
you let it slip

Ironic
so probable
Spend time to unwind
all the twisted and tangled spines

Yet the remote in my hand
is controlled
by who I suppose
is the Crook or culprit
Excuses
Let's see how far they can go!

Travel with me,
please
it's not often my hands are free
It just seems it right now
My heels went over my head
And Now I'm shocked
that I fell to the ground

I'm always walking with doubt
I've never felt clear in my cloud
Who's hearing this now?
Me screaming so loud?

But silence is met
Caused by realities scent
fuckin loosing my mind
I tell myself
it's all in your head!

I'm just one of you
you're all screaming for attention
yet you deny that to be what you really intended

I believe what I see
I've lost so much faith
The most beautiful song
The presence of her grace

Looney filled thoughts
blocked off by primitive barks
I'm pounding my chest
to prove I hold no fear in the dark

Yet my actions speak louder than my words

for certain
i admit
that I wish
for that to be true

Confused when I speak
left stranded too quick
on purposed to make you feel stupid I think

Confused by the ring
Or just the sound that it makes
Who woke up my demon
just to prove that it's fake

There is no such thing as demons
You're not special at all
Just shut your fucking mouth
she said
and catch me IF I fall

I talk of the past
because I yearn for it
dear

Pillow hair
speaks
to hungover
me

In the mirror feel shame
or just unsettling thoughts
In such a strange place
I've happened to come

No idea about anyone
Constantly counting
My behavior is changing
ever so crowded

My head is big
because it's running out of room
If I get another compliment
it might just go boom

Never know how to end it
because I accept
that I will be taken by death

So come find me
but i hope it takes you a while
And I want you to tell your friends
That I put up a hell of a fight

My foolish confidence
leads me to places
that i never could name

To know how to stand
in a room
with such an unfamiliar face

Play with the danger
that's flooding your head
There is no time left later
because later you're dead

Will you dig your own grave
so no one has to dig it for you?
Such a nice person
thinking ahead
really
is that an action inspired by compassion

That person sure doesn't lack empathy
Coherent
you moron

What's the matter
you lost your footing?

trust me you're not the first
just stand up

Or you can just wait
for people
who you think are going to come
stop their lives
come sit
and cry with you

People left crying at the bottom roll around till they find each other
Now You have a friend you can cry too!

The best part is
neither of you is listening
just saying your own words
for theirs never to be heard

Me me me
sure, thing sweetie
My girlfriend is hassling me
She thinks that I'm like fucking someone else
so she's starting to act crazy

Are you though?
yeah
But no she's thinking I'm cheating for different reasons
she has no clue about that though

I really don't get it
why you mad bro?

I don't miss my past
i want to do that later
But it can have such a strong pull
As if you're never in control
You're only conscious to witness the actions

And be held accountable
with the highest of standards

I cannot predict the future
I'm just really good at stating my opinion

I'm losing focus
I'm feeling so down

There's no one to help me
So I guess I'll use myself
to get off the ground

Monsters

Growing up I was surrounded by family,
everyone loved everyone,
well at least it felt like everyone
loved me,
as I did them,
Feeling like you’re far from home,
blood will always support its own,

I would lose my center step,
as if I couldn’t grasp the most simple concept
I don’t care what you say
right now my heart screams for its home
in the oddest of ways.

Parallel we strung along

Never to cross paths,
So now I realize that I was just this curios guy
running around like a little kid
just wondering
what’s on the other side

I’ve open the doors now
to most that have closed,
Never did I imagine these days to come,
A much needed reflection
of a clear image
of myself.

Where is my soul and heart?
And if home is where the heart is
I’ve got a long ways to walk
I open the door
and they were waiting all along.

My mother said to me,

I knew you were coming back!
Not for a second did I not pray to God for you to come back
I know,
I have faith in God
I know he loves us.
She hugged me so hard,
I felt her relief,
she no longer feared
for the eternal outcome of my soul
The love of a mother
will defy reason
on the coldest day of any Winter,
I guess you could say

My fathers words I remember the most
when he welcomed me back home
He offered me his trust again,
and hugged and kissed me,

I accepted and said I'm ready to build the house from scratch
He wiped his tears
smiled and said,
you have a long ways to go.

The little ones were both there
playing their own game!

Hadude  is home!
Look!
They were fighting over who I snatch up first
So I grabbed them both
Held them up high
spun them around
I started dancing in the room

They were giggling with ease

I've haven't felt this happy in years
Threw them on the couch
Tickled them both into complete submission

Happy as can be it felt,
and I finally realized.
My search for home is over.

Goodness,
I honestly don’t know what made that come out.
What a bull shit story.
Cartoons are for kids. Grow up ya clown.
Trying to have the coolest room
as if trying to compensate for all the
"loss of cool points"
in highschool

Ugh you’re so pathetic.
Smile at me already,
Why do you hold it in?
And if you’re not, then shit who’s time are you wasting?
If not your own.

I don’t care if you waste my time,
I just want to ask
if you care whether or not
you waste your own time
with a follow up question…..
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I literally stopped writing and took like 10 minutes off because I just didn’t like where I was going with that.

Deal with it,
okay like I just got done writing about my family,
I was telling you a wishful pretend story that my mother every day visualizes happening someday,
....one day


I chuckle out loud like a douche sometimes
C.O.L.
col……..
cololololol
COLLLLLL!!!!!
COL!

Chuckle is legit,
I don’t know if I have mentioned this yet,
but the day I got back from Tucson,
I had such a crazy,
VIVID dream.

Listen,
I know I used  to complain about how the word vivid
didn’t fit,
it’s own definition,
based on the way it sounds.

I believe it should only be applied when you remember a dream clearly.
Dreams are vivid,
nothing is ever clear.

In this dream,
I lived in some weird fuckin underworld demon society,
where my neighbors that I lived with,
were these cruel
dark and gruesome
yet extremely powerful and majestical
demons…demented demons,
fuck you
I’m definitely not trying to describe dementors,
if anything their color in my dreams
were toxic,
Not a glow,
just…idk
it was gritty,

These creatures I lived with
it seemed like
hated each other
knowing it would never change
never to grant an ounce of mercy

If such occasion would ever rise
why end him
when you can keep him alive
Just to torture
and strip him down more

Peel flesh,
there is no sick need for it,
not because I want,
just because I can.

It was a nightmare I was in,
and I was aware I was in it.
I chose to explore,
my neighbors worlds.
Their wickedness scared me
Horrifying sensations,
heavy dark gloom
weighing you down,

The biggest stand out for me was

How  my neighbors were so horrifying
but never harmed me,

and oddly displayed how they would never wish to harm me
The way they would harm each other.

Now I regret no trying to harm one of them.

whatever

The dream got all dark and scary,

I got so scared where I gave up and just said fuck this

At one point I wished death upon myself because I knew it would end the dream.

I felt like I spent a lifetime in that dream.

Haaaah,
I babble
too much.

BABBLEONEAN

“See trust is like building a house,
he said
One piece at a time
Once you break the smallest piece
It’ll all come crumbling down…”