Crippling Loneliness

So, I can safely say that it has  been a while since I've done this.
Feel the smooth yet somewhat rough feel of a keyboard.
Yet my muscle memory is quite admirable. How quickly I can still type.
And what is it I type about? All types of stuff. Womp Womp.

In the depth of the beginning of my blogging journey, it is safe to say that I was going through a depressive state in life. Now I can unsafely say that I am at the back end of a depression or beginning of a life where I do not feel as depressed as I once did.

What I really wish to say is that I feel as if the depression is finally gone. Experience tells me I shouldn't get ahead of myself. God has a way of putting me right back down on my ass so it's best I stay humble, or fearful of submerging back into society. Not sure that came out correctly.

I have ventured off into a life I imagined that would be filled with lessons, thrills, pain, and camaraderie. What I discovered was the opposite of my expectations. Not saying there were not any lessons learned. Every experience offers a lesson, it is up to the individual to seek its fruit. The thrills I sought after turned out to be a huge distraction which I justified to myself as being a way for me to deal with life, where in reality what was happening was that I was too afraid of confronting the obstacles that presented themselves. I can blame my youthfulness alongside with the lack of guidance in regards to how I chose to not deal with these obstacles. Life happens, events unfold, we do not progress unless we progress. The obvious statement comes off insulting, at least it would to me yet solutions are always the most simple words. The application is what cannot be taught.

There were plenty of figures that wished to guide me but the very thought of a shepherd standing in front of me with a Gandalf walking stick would strike such an agitated feeling right down to my center core nerve. I didn't want to allow it. I needed myself to be the leader of my life, I wanted to feel every consequence of my action.

Life has proven to have more dry moments than thrilling ones. It is a reality of life that I hate to accept but it seems I have either been broken down enough to believe so or that it is a shared reality among all people. I spent countless years getting drunk, exhausting my personality among people who care less about my well being but enjoy having a clown among them as source for their entertainment. The realization of that is what made me want to leave the city I was raised in and move away the first chance I got. So I did.

I moved away with a friend 10 years older than me, I didn't think anything of it because most of my acquaintances were usually older than me. It made me feel as if I was more mature than other people my age which lead to another boastful thought, that I was just ahead of my time, like a genius.

If only I was a genius I could  have prevented certain situations that perhaps taught me the most.
But then if it wasn't for my lack of genius, I would still be an idiot.


The point of this story is....
I learned that the hand that feeds always has an ulterior motive. The one that's being fed is now inclined to shift their main focus on who's feeding them. Who's feeding me? Slowly I found myself in someones pocket living a lifestyle way above my means that was being provided for without me even asking for it. With this came leverage, leverage over me. Me being a proud individual, it was hard for me to admit to the position I was in. I wanted nothing to do with my family, because they wanted nothing to do with me. That is what I made myself believe. I chose to pave my own way but in reality what happened wasn't the glorious independent life I sought after. Simply I fell into someones pocket who capitalized on my lack of support.

Unfortunately we live in a world that is filled with people who suffer from crippling loneliness and these people are willing to do or say anything just to keep company besides them. Obviously with the company there has to be a gain beyond the physical presence of the individual but for the most part a lonely person will latch on to anyone. Me not understanding loneliness to a full extent because I was still in my younger days, the early 20's, I wasn't able to realize what was happening and what situation I was putting myself in. My perception was as simple as, "My friend got a job in Florida and asked me to move with him. I'm tired of Tucson so fuck it, here I go".

Within the first year everything turned real sour and it was decided to live separately from there on out, even though my friend still insisted that it was still possible for us to live together. Again, crippling loneliness. Money became a huge issue. He was on professor salary and I was on 20 to 30 hour a week making any where from 300 to 500 a week. At first it was "you got two to three months to find a job don't worry I'll float you, I'm getting a 2 bedroom regardless so just come along it's all good". I got a job within two weeks on the beach and I thought life was good! Reality crashed in hard that first year.
It was as if a systematical hijack was attempted on my personality. Through observing me he found a way to measure a definite amount to use and apply in different social settings to help him connect with the world, but as I like to say, it's not about how much butter, it's how you butter. Regardless of the impression I had of him trying to imitate my social tendencies, he still was able to keep me in check. How? Through wearing me down with pressure built from my lack of income needed to help pitch in to his high-end living that was forced on me in which he still needed me to help him stay in touch with a more social lifestyle but somehow there was an unspoken order which was naturally established where I was always in the backseat silently acknowledging him being the driving force of the relationship we were in. It was starting to get twisted.

Him having a bottled up personality, claiming he was an upfront person, started building up a lot of stress because the fear I had was that at any moment he can just pull the rug from under my feet. If that were to happen, I would have no where go with no money saved, I would be screwed. He was aware of my situation and knew it was just another tool for leverage. He had a lot of issues with me by the end of the first year, yet it was me that said "dude if we want to continue being friends, maybe it's best we don't live together"

His response, "No no no! We can still be roommates! Just get your shit together!"
Crippling loneliness.

It was a shameful feeling admitting to myself that I was in someone else's pocket. I just let someone pay for me thinking he was being a friend who just had the means, but how the events unfolded I saw that with every source of leverage gained he never failed to make me realized that he has yet another card he can hold over me. He was so afraid of being alone that he was willing to systematically trap me to his presence by providing for me more than I needed and guilt tripping me for not thinking of him first before myself when it came to anything. Like I said, I didn't how I got there, all I know I was ashamed of letting it get there and the shame is what kept me in that situation longer.

The world we live in is filled with so many different types of personalities, yet there are two categories I consider everybody falls under. Genuine and disingenuous. Among these two there are subdivisions which I would measure with a moral measuring stick. I've met genuine people who are genuinely assholes (myself), and I've met people who cannot be themselves but have a heart of gold, but their inability of being themselves is the reason their golden personality cannot shine.While the genuine asshole believes that there is no one worthy of their genuine character and in end result the world is deprived of the warmth that a genuine character exudes not knowing that genuine warmth is what the world needs more than ever. The world has made me this way, I'm working on it..

In the depth of my former friends soul I always felt that he was a nice guy but his inability to be real with himself has caused him to lose sight of the person he really is and instead got carried away by the delusions that took over his soul by default. Letting his credentials justify himself in moments of doubt, reproaching situations only to find more explanations to further accept how wrong the whole world is and how right he is himself. Yet the question is never asked, "If I truly have done nothing wrong then why do I constantly reproach the same events?"

Once the steel has cooled it cannot be bent and that is the case for a mind that has hindered from a reality that chooses to deny defeat at a vulnerable state of ones soul. We do not want to feel wrong, we do not want to feel defeat, we do not want to be vulnerable, so what takes its place by default? A life filled with delusion? By denying an outcome because one cannot accept the truth of a situation all due to pride and ego is to live a life of denial and delusion from that point on.

It has been years since my former friend and I have went our separate ways, and coincidentally I ran into him while I was on vacation visiting Tucson. He happened to be there at the same time. I was a bit drunk when I saw him, and the group of friends I stood with pretended he wasn't there and the group of friends he was standing with pretended we weren't here. It was stupid. I approached him to say hi and to greet my other acquaintances he was standing with and as I was approaching him, he took notice and was the first to acknowledge me by taking a step towards me and sticking his hand out for a greeting.

The drunken state I was in got the best of me, my forgiving nature gave him a warm hug  and I told my old friend that it was good to see him. What I felt in the depth of my soul was relief because I knew there wasn't any animosity between me and anyone in this world. That whatever thoughts lingered prior to that moment were no more. We briefly talked, he introduced me to his girlfriend, we kept it short and went our separate ways.

I reached out the next day to possibly meet and catch up before he departed but it didn't line up because he at one point stopped responding. Then months later he messaged me apologizing that we didn't get to meet and catch up and wanted to set a time for a video call. I decided not to respond because knowing him there is only one reason he reached out to me. Crippling loneliness.

Backtracking
So after the first year of living together we both went our separate ways, we didn't talk to each other, we just drifted apart.
We did have a mutual friend who visited whenever he wanted to party in Florida and it was in his best interest for us three to be friends because it would optimize the level of fun he would have. Everyone is looking out for themselves and that is not a secret, it just isn't talked about.
This mutual friend got us talking and hanging out again and I thought that this time around things would be different because we were at a safer distance, I had my place he had his. We didn't have to worry about who's paying for the groceries, things seemed more simple. I was wrong.

Just as a path that is discovered and taken, it creates a way for passage, that is most likely going to be the way that is taken the second time around. Us humans are simple, we stick to what we know. Since we've been down this road before, it's easier to get to the end of it the second time.
The second time around, I can say that I kept my dignity the whole time where as the first time I felt my dignity slipping. I did have a redeeming moment the first time around, on the last day of our apartment lease.

There are many lessons I've taken from this friendship.

These are the main points I have taken

1. Never become dependent on anyone but yourself. If someone wants to pay for you it's because they want you to cater to them. They're paying for friendship.

2. Do not befriend lonely people. They are weak individuals who will want you to be their obedient sidekick where they are the main character of their life and your life.

3. If a friendship turns sour it stays sour. Unless issues are not addressed and apologies are not made you will find the friendship in the state it was in last, sour. 

4. Do not befriend people who have 'freak out' moments. This attribute is a tricky one because you won't see it at first because you are still being reeled in.