gosh darnit I guess, its in all caps, i guess writing does relieve some pressure. Grammatically correct seems more important than being politically correct, to the politician sometimes. Why people like to think they are right? i guess there is a big difference between thinking and knowing. But you never get to know without thinking I assume. And assuming is never good, it could get you into trouble, but when it doesn't get you in trouble, where does it get you then? Somewhere good? Who the fuck really knows?
A lot going on and no Idea what it really is, if someone where to make me list of the things going on, I would get to 3 and lose track of time. Mainly because someone is higher than balls, which only makes you wonder how tall balls can be? Now you are just being ridiculous. You know, when someone asked me, what I value more, Mercy or justice, It made me think about justice more than mercy, even though I responded with Mercy. I guess they cannot exist without each other.
have you remembered a time where you thought you were intact with yourself, compared to now, its like you are going through the motions without any understanding that this is actually happening. dreams feel more real than living. It used to make me feel very out of touch, but now however, it is like a way that forces me to look at myself in an out of body perspective. most of the time i can enjoy it, but i really miss being back to where i was, seeing things from the inside, the curse of being too aware, makes you see how nothing is of importance unless you fully believe it to be. whatever the fuck that means.
People yearn to be going through fucked up shit just to give people the look of 'oh look at me, so much is going on but you wouldnt understand'. Because my top movies, you have never seen, and if you did, its not in my top 5 anymore. yes your choice in music might be great, but whatever. I like my cheese melted with my tuna sub at subway. But you dont hear me chewing with my mouth open. its always interesting to see peoples reaction to your emptiness. I wonder if people actually understand each other the way they claim they do. Ill never tell a person i know exactly how you feel, its always a lie. Why do people want people to understand their troubles? its one thing to seek comfort, but its another to demand them to truly understand what you are going through. Unless. Yes if I was really hungry and someone ate my favorite food in front of me, and someone told me that experience happened to them, i could definitely understand how they felt. "OH MAN IT LOOKED SOO GOOD, AND I WAS STARVING AND WAS DYING INSIDE, I TOTALLY KNOW HOW YOU FELT".
Its easy to understand simple things i guess, that uncomfortable feeling, without understand how to comfort it. just laying, texting people you dont want to text, with people i mean 2 at the most. I do best when i am alone, yet i hate it sooo much. why the fuck would anyone choose to do something they do not like? Success is measured now by what society has stamped you with. and yes i currently am not going to school. But i want to. I just know too many people that go to school and dont know what they want to do, im not talking about the type that "omg like i dont know what i wanna do'
Im talking about the type that got scammed. We all remember in high school, we would look at degree's and next to them average salary's. Never did we see graphs of demands, what is needed, opposed to not. we all want money, and so do they. You give them money, thinking you will make the money next to the degree no idea of the demand, so i guess that is why degree in law has made you return to managing restaurants. Hey if that is your passion, knock yourself out. but should it take you 100,000 dollars to realize? Its not your fault, i guess you were scammed. I remember when i was younger a salesmen came to our house showing us these awesome encyclopedia books. we bought them and never used them, my father paid 300 bucks. it seemed like a dream come true, like i never had to think doing homework, all the answers were in the books. yet we never used them once, they made us feel we needed them. well he did, and man was he good.
regardless to say, im not saying school is not good, its amazing, meeting people and perspective change, blah blah, but people just dont think anymore about themselves. they get called selfish, and selfish is just such an ugly word. Its not like they try to avoid thinking about themselves, that thought process just doesnt exist to some people, when you ask people well what would make you happy or what do you think or what do you want to do, they look at you like its a foreign language. and I do not mean thinking about which restaurant they want to try, or what movie they want to watch.
Where does your passion lie? most people do not know what their passion is. where their 'true calling' lies. it sounds so cliche with the whole doctor engineer combo, but other than that, what else do we think success lies to some people. We have our average student studying business, and going to business school with their hopes of owning their own business, or becoming an entreupener however you spell that. but i have met people with some fucking ambition, they want to do these things and i believe they will. when I would ask them about what they want to do, it was so amazingly outlined. THey get carried away by little details and then cut themselves off over the little things like you are not allowed to talk about that, only big picture stuff, and they go on and on about ideas and thoughts. Oh Fuck yes you will be successful, but unfortunately only 1 percent of people sound like that person.
Everyone else, what are you doing? what do you want to do? (In a monotone voice, reading of a script handed by society's expectations) I want to graduate from college with a business degree and im hoping to start my own business.
WOW! seriously? come on, you sound like a fucking robot programmed to do that, come on! THINK FOR YOURSELF! Know yourself, understand yourself, what makes you smile? what makes you lose track of time? what makes you drunk? and not alcoholic drunk, i forgot who was telling me about this concept, but pretty much intoxicated with something you love. We all have been so in a moment doing something, not sex, where we were so intact, in a moment where self control did not exist, you felt, your whole body moved,
WHAT makes you that way? what gives your mind that ultimate state of gratification. when you are away from that moment, thinking about it, yes that is what i do, and you smile. While you are doing it, yes this is fucking amazing. Going to sleep knowing tomorrow what you love is going to be there,
live life hating yourself? live life succeeding in what you can really not give a shit about? Live life doing what people approve of? Do what makes you validate yourself?
When i used to be a kid, which i still am in many ways, because it is awesome. Whenever my mother would cook my favorite food, which was only when we had guests over, i would fill my plate, and we had large plates, i would sit and stare. I did not know where to start. and i really did not know where to start. It was so bad that i wouldnt start eating and people were almost done, it was soooooooo amazing, the thought of it one day ending, or the plate finishing made me subconsciously not start eating. but once that first bite was taking, I was sooooo overwhelmed that there was no stopping.
i believe everyone in the world wants the whole world, they want to learn how to fly a plane, become the best chef, direct an oscar winning movie, learn how to become a hip hop dancer, paint a picture that pours pain into the portrait which people can see and feel, write with simple everyday words that move the reader in a way where they are in another state of mind for the whole time while reading that book. we are human and we want it all, we put the world on out plate, but for some reason, we dont know where to start. Some people dont have a big appetite, they don't have much on their plate, now i understand people that want everything but have nothing, because one day it will end. and just like when i was a kid and i didnt start my plate because i didnt know where to start, I have the world on my plate, and I just dont know where to start.
When i starting writing this, i felt very off, i feel better now, for the time being.
Thank you for listening.
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