Surprise.

Well I finished working on my first song.


took me about one month and a half to work on this.



Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h92wkVSvC6c

Nightmares

Listen,
i know this repetition,
seems so persistent,

Such a strong resistance,
Only because not given permission.
Never question why we choose to listen.
Can't see past what we were given.
Told what we had was a privilege.

The days of renovation is over,
along with its brilliance.

The hero is loved because of his resilience,
But this is real life,
he can't live twice,
No one feels the echo of his existence

Expect to be admitted
Prayers on the wish-list

Courage to the gifted,
Cheers to the fearless.

Comradore is worth my life.

Access we are denied,
by who?

You tell me I can't,
Why should I listen to you?

The words you speak,
you say,
to me,
Are true?

You watch my steps,
and look out for every move?

That is Best for
Me?
to do?

Lay down
for them,

I will.
Jump in front of a bullet
so you get to live.

I ask for nothing,
I except nothing,

Why does he keep fussing?
Act like,
somethings up,
when there is a whole lot
of Nothing.









I am passing out.




I'll edit this tomorrow.


Just straight publish button.


Lets see the twist element of freeballin,







Stallin?

attempt to re-Awaken,


My mind feels forsaken,
by my own fucking body.


Crazy,

Do you got me?

Lately,

I'm constantly,

Craving,

Apologies,

From Satin,

For bothering me,

But escaping,

He's offering me,

Past the point,

I had ought to be.

The wrong person said,

to Follow me,

In my head

Sometimes I believe its all a Dream,

And I wonder,

then why doesn't god just let me Be

Solve all my problems,

awakening from a dream,

It seems to relieve,

Every part of me.

My nightmares,

really enjoy calling for me.
















Sekis I needagain Nadagain Nadagain

Collective whispers

Edit undrafted,




so magnanimous,

my favorite new word.

Man I have been reading a lot,
but by that mean,

Significantly more than I used too.

But to some obsessive readers out there,

I might be an Amateur.

Really though, if we are being honest.
which is really fucking hard to be,
regardless of the context one might find themselves in.


I just hope it will all collectively come together,

Almost as if the minimal effort,
was enough,
for our hopes to be kept,
within arms length of reach.


Stay close to me is all I am saying.
I think?

But what do I know,
only other than that which I admit to myself,
and that of which I deny to myself.

How unfortunate the one who is missing out because of the lie I have chosen to accept.

I wonder who is at true loss.


But then again,

All this predicting is becoming quite arrogant,


perhaps arrogant is the wrong word,
but in my sentence I half heartedly believe it stands correct.


Why place a prediction that has your name stamped to it?

Just to let people know,
that you knew.

Cool I guess.

I want to stop predicting,
and just enjoy,
things just being.



If that makes any sense,
to me it makes prefect,

however to some that probably will never read this,
i still feel the need to stay consciously aware of.

As if a part of me imagines this part being read years after my death,
by someone who is my relative,
and shows curiosity towards my true identity.
I mean,
this shit seems pretty permanent.

And after I die,
at least a part of me can leave something exposed,
regardless of who sees it,
for a long time.


At this rate that I am going,
rate being the amount of times I choose to write,
in relation,
to how much growth I experience between The times that I write.

Right now I am starting to look back already at some of my recent pieces that I have written,
and I am starting to feel that I am growing
or have grown
past some mind sets.


It is actually quite the mind venting machine,
or maybe I just say that
due to wishful thinking.

Whatever,

I speak as I question
whether it is I believe,
the words that I just chose
to speak.


So right now,
1 2 3
ask yourself what it is you want.


Scream the first word,
don't pass three seconds,

SAY SOMETHING!


Who's name did you say?
What word did you say?

What is it about?
Who is it about?

What is the relationship between you and the word,
whether it is a person or a dream goal,

What is your relation like?

Are you working well together?

Are you facing hardship?

Have you given up?

Never give up.
Always find a way,
always,
even if it is the most impossible path.

Choose that,
above turning your back to something,
or someone

That you desire for,

The Most.



What will stop you?

Look in the mirror,

And speak the words,

Say the names,

Of what is stopping you.


All up in the zone,
I just want everyone to succeed.
I want everyone that I love to be happy.

I literally care for nothing,
except for those that I love and care for.

Growing up,
the ones close to me would always ask me,
how I could be so distant to the ones that seemed close to me.
Towards people that loved me,
or said that they did.

Why I never called any relative,
even during times of death and tragedy.


WHY CAN'T you at least give one call.


And say!


...... what?

I don't know what to say.


Tell them that your pain will ultimately be soothed by religion,
that ultimately you believe that you will see them again,
in the hereafter.
That god will have mercy on his soul,
and he will be showered with all of the elegances that the exalted has awaiting for him.




How could I say all these comforting words that I do not believe in?


I can choose to neither say a lie or the harsh truth.

It is the only way I can explain myself,
but I am so sorry for coming off as an insensitive asshole.


He meant harm to no one,
and made no one feel the threat of any sense of negativity.

He lived a very comfortable lifestyle.








I'm very bad at this.

I really,
wish that,
what I want to say
will be taken
in the context,
of understanding how it is I think
under certain circumstance,
because right now all I want to do,
is shout and shout,
with intentions
to only
seek attention,
from everyone,
except hers,
because when she does not react,
I have come to assumption,
That is when she is taken back the most,

Yet,
That is just a temporary thought,

that I am currently having,
shaking my head i am laughing at this,


How I desire so much of the dramatic scenery that we have obsessively painted to be the behavior that us two need to stay away from,
yet only to learn,
on my behalf,
that is,

The romance,
unbelievable when I would fool myself,
into believing that,
it was truth,
that I felt,
when you felt,
my hand,
with yours,

But then again, it was only into the trap that I chose to fall into,
because you see,
you were the only one that let me fall.

All the way,
You consciously did not stop me,
every mili second,
you were fully aware of my descent,

arms spread,
Accepting myself for what it is that I felt,

Yet,
I just prayed,
that before i fell and sank to the bottom,
pretending to be asleep,


I could just hear you,
just once,

Scream my name,

out of the dreadful gut feeling of loss.

Loss of value.

Selfish, i fell as I admit this.



I do not choose a path that a few have walked,
I am choosing to create my very own path.

At least I desire that thought.
Who is foolish enough to deny that human urge?
We all want to be praised,
whether we agree with it or not,
we all want to be glorified,
and we all want people to acknowledge that MY existence is special.





It is,
trust me it is.

The only problem is






Everyone is afraid to live.

You share your true words and thoughts,
people freeze,
no one trusts words to be from the heart anymore,

everyone speaks only to obtain or to mislead.

Minds cannot speak anymore,
Whatever is left,
is an excuse,
to hide ourselves,



Poor poor future,
We are living in a generation,
where living conditions have become luxurious and personal issues have become suicidal.


Both growing their own ways,
exponentially.

Who knows if literally,
I just mean dramatically.









Good lord,
If time speeds up,

I will spark a joint in case I need it to slow down.



If life is to slow,
I will jump on the 95 south direct to the port of Miami.


Whatever we say,
we say to impress,
either ourselves,
or someone,


We are impressed with ourselves,
and only shy with our work,
when self conscious
or insecure,
about our own
ACTUAL
capabilities,
because it is impossible,
to understand,
someone's
TRUE
potential.






Ehhhh

Maybe,

Fuck you,

I don't know.














I'm going to bed,

I'll have about 2 more sips of straight sentimental juice.
I work tomorrow,

hip hip
hooray,


finish this fuckn blog.


Ahhhhh,


What else shall I babble about,
at this late of hour?





Fuck you
Fuck You
Fuck YOU



Goodness.



I'm still adjusting to these changes.



I am still dealing with a lot of shit.




I heart all ma niggas.

Prison Break

So many bells ringing at once
I swear I was living in the Vatican.

I know you understand the crazy shit
I be imaginin',

Horsey say giddie Up,
while the slow pikes try to saddle in,

Magic defeats a man,
Case dismissed.

You go ahead and tell the story,
No I insist.

Why did I break it?
Is because I twist and twist!!?

Break past the point of
it having nothing left to give?

But I'd let her again,

Whoever she was or will be.


You capture me,
I'm all yours.



What a sweet thought I used to believe in.

Escaping isn't easy,

It still isn't.


I have escaped,
three times




MY        ,
My            ,
and              ,





They all happened so fast,
Just one after another,

One by one,

Seconds dragged into years


Just forcing me to watch everything unfold,



Unfold so slow,

I did not miss anything,


I felt every insult,
don't you worry about that.



I do believe that it was me that has been wronged,

at times,

But most of the time now,

I'm finally breathing,

Crazy to say,

I'm breathing free air.


Away from that,
Which demanded all of me.



I cannot say that I have abandoned all three,

All I can say,

I needed to get away.




And the only way,





was to escape.

Wussup girl, wanna come over and watch a movie?

Slowly and steadily,
breathing so Heavily,
incredibly,
is what your feeling,
you're telling me?
Ecstatically,
The rhythm
Is
so acrobatically,
Positions change so dramatically,
whispering speeds up drastically,
talk dirty climatically,
Ill hold you tight while you straddle me,
You speak as if you can handle me,
As if your body knows how to dance with me,
I fuckin love it when you stop asking me,
Its not done right
if both hands are free,
If you ever wonder,



Yes,
I woulda fucked you so passionately

Waiting to give my urine sample.

One month down. 

This drug test better work. 

I have to piss like crazy. 

If/when I pass. I will be ecstatic. 

I wanna blowie. That be nice. 

How people carry themselves is quite unique. 

How we hold people to such a high standard then not believe in free will. 

It seems so contradictory. 

Well you are the way you are,

There is no free will in that. 

Rather 

Free will has to be reached out for. 

We have to break out of the natural state we were given. 

Are we content with what we are at our natural state? 

Or do we defy what we are,

And reach further 

Than we were supposed too. 

Do we listen to the voices that tell us,

our risks that we take,

are not smart and calculated steps? 

Yet what is life if each step is only taken based on how low the risk is. 

Since when have we abandoned taking risks, and have settle for safety? 

I guess the more one believes that there is nothing after ,

They are more likely to become boring.

Is boring the right word? 

Death, 

Ultimately can be the biggest motivator, 

Or the biggest set back. 

In my case,

Every time I think about death,

I get motivated. 

To do what exactly?

To live,

Opposed to just waiting to die. 

If this is all that we have, 

Collectively and individually,

What holds us back?

The fear of failing?

It seems so ironic. 

We are too afraid to live because we are too afraid to die. 

Afraid

Afraid

So we stall,

Tell ourself

Safe is better 

Safe

Quiet

Don't be obnoxious. 

Is that what it's called? 

We are so sure

Purely based on the calculations we have discovered

Only to predict

What exactly?

The probability of different outcomes? 

Assuming the most probable answer is the expected outcome? 

Not sure if that is how real life carries itself. 

Looking at humanity objectively,

Is one thing. 

Living your life objectively,

Is very unhealthy. 

Suppressing our feelings,

And not considering them, 

As we make life decisions,

I would only assume

Will ultimately have a very strong effect on us. 

We are not asked to ignore our emotions,

Rather guide them. 

With intellect. 

We are only asked to make decisions,

Where we have to ignore emotion,

During times of survival,

In a state of an emergency. 

But what state of emergency are we living in? 

For those who live in the same state as I do. 

It seems that the ones who push rational thinking,

Are ones who like to push their own agenda. 

Especially when,

One tries to manipulate. 

It's very disgusting. 

Using intimidation,

Stubbornness,

Frustration,

Then coating it,

With a blanket 

That we like to call

Rational. 

We are not free,

If we do not believe our actions to be. 

Ultimately,

The truth is what we accept for ourself. 

And what we individually believe, 

Are the limits we set for ourselves. 

Do you believe to be free?

Do you believe to be a slave to no one?

Do you believe you can change the world?

Shake it's very existence? 

I do. 

Another Goodbye

write until you die,



so many things,

I say,
when I shouldn't.


control is the last thing I worry about.


I'm always in control.

That is where people get fooled,
including me.

but heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey,

we're all kids really,

What the fuck do we know.

So much,

we say.

So exact,
so sure,
so as a matter of fact.

damn,

If only,

If only



is amongst the few words that I am left holding on to.


Believe the words of a little girl.

Yet there are plenty of little boys laughing at me,
who have probably ran through what I value the most.



One man's trash is another man's treasure.


Some say trash is trash,

You just didn't know any better.


Well shit.

If I am labeled an asshole for the rest of my life,
i guess it's just what I objectively deserve.

I say objectively in the most unfitting way.

What do you want from me really?

Nothing.

At this point I am talking to myself,
as usual.




What does it matter,
such a sad loner
who creates this self confident image.


Anxiety is the worst.

I love and hate feeling it.


is the best way to describe it.


Words words,
are a simple form of transcending feelings,
yet feelings are really lost in translation,

when it comes to minds such as mine.

Selfish little bitch,

Why have I loved someone who only looks at me as if i am just another.

which I was well aware of,


yet I walked away,

only to be dragged lower,

I laugh at myself.


In the most pathetic way.

realizing,


that if life,

is as meaningless as I believe it to be,

then why hold so much importance,

to a matter,

which only brought you nothing but,


what?

really?

finish the sentence for me?

if you can,

then befriend me,
for all of eternity,

And let me,

bother you,

with my presence.


We all want to cry when we do not feel appreciated.



Well in this case,

I guess this is my way of crying about it.

yet,
the important part is to keep moving,
my feet.


If life is indeed all that we have.

Of course I want to feel everything possible.

Take every opportunity that presents itself,

and not wait for anyone who,

drags their feet?


But not everyone is strong enough?

why have I become the best at making excuses for other people.

At least I would like myself to believe that.




damn you are so beautiful to my eyes.
The hardest part is for me to imagine,
how low another sees you at.



As if you find joy in the mistreatment.

It's a fucked up world.
It sure as hell doesn't get prettier.




Not at all.



People either want to be


FUCKED

literally,



or loved.



It's hard to establish,

anything,

With confusion.




I write this,

as confused,
as I was,
since day,

one?




I speak,
as I think,
as I write,
as I want,
you so bad,
yet,

alone,

is what I am used to,

wanting you
is what I am used to,




NOT having you,
Is what I hate,

but it is what I have become used to.



While you play in the garden,

while I tell myself,

It's okay,
only I really understand.


while many watch me,

and laugh.

as they fuck her in the same garden,

that i have watched her run around in.



Such a nice boy,


damn,

reality, has no respect for ones feelings.


But I do not complain,

Serve it straight.

Shit,
it is up to me to get over it.

And I guess I must.







It's as if,
you felt,
that I am the idiot,


for believing the things you have told me.





How sad for you to dislike those,

who ACTUALLY take you serious.


Kept telling myself.

I know the real you.

Yes you.


Stupid bitch.


and I still say it,

upset.

I know you're beautiful.

You possess power,
that you yourself cannot see.



but perhaps maybe I am the only crazy person who sees.



Play the game making the one believe,

if he hangs on the longest he will win.


perhaps.


However,

I do not like that game.

Damn,
we are both so young,
were so young.


I was so young and sheltered.


And to have dealt with that,

While I was dealing with this?


couldn't even give me a break?


makes me question,

What it was exactly that you were holding on to?

Anyone that held on?


Sure doesn't make the individual feel,



anything in particular.

Yet I will die believing you are special.

At this point,

I pray to god,

That you better be.











So much passion,

so much intelligence,

So much rhetoric,

So much insight,

That is thrown away.

Am I really crazy?
Have I built myself an illusion?


All the times we have talked for hours,


Where I have enjoyed every second of you're beauty,
while listening,

actually listening to every word.



Man, it seemed like as if we were soul-mates.
especially when you told me you believed that we were soul-mates.


Drove me to the furthest point of my sanity.
And I'll drive off the edge of the cliff for you.

Yet,
I do not believe you wanted me to,
when it really came down to it.





So what was it that you really wanted?


Closure is something i do not want to lean on.







I miss everything about you,
you stupid little fucking idiot.
I wanted you to be all mine,
In the most selfish way.



Made me feel crazy for wanting you for myself,
when you asked me to be all yours.




Or acted like it.

When i walked away.




"You're the one I love and want,
It's you and it's always going to be you"






Poison,


sweet poison.


I cannot deal with this shit,

Fuck,











Make it seem so fucking regular,

as if anything you have ever said,

was never said.


as if I am crazy,

and I fabricated it all.








Keep moving my feet,

is what I tell myself.


Of course time heals all.


it's not that,
That I am worried about.







Why did you MAKE,

MAKE!

me believe that it was us?



I never told you eternity or nothing.


I told you to give me something.


yet you said nothing.

over and over and over and over again.

And when something was said,




it was the sweetest,
most precious.
Yet lies.


Lies.


Lies,
Why speak,
when only lies I hear.







I'm never going to forgive you.

because there is no wrong doing.

it's just life.

That we involuntarily have to participate in.



if there was truly no meaning in us,

I am moving on.


But memories cannot be erased.

Thoughts cannot be prevented.


So bare with my weak and pathetic self.


until I find a source of salvation.



But this distance,
is only helping me



In the most painful way.


Such a bitch I choose to act like.


Yet,
My knuckles have plenty of scars on them.


So do not get it twisted.








I know what to do.

But never when it came to you.




The little selfish spoiled little brat,
who wants everything,

just wanted my attention,

amongst the many things that she got,


And she played and played,


and I played and played.



And I kept anticipating for more,

and she left me believing,


and reaching,

until I grew tired and left,

only for her to persuade me to come back and have patience.

And I do.


















Right now,


I have heard you say,
the most,
hurtful things.

which I choose not to believe,

because,
if you meant,

anything which you have said.


You wouldn't want another word with me.


I love you forever and always.




But I have let go,

I am moving on.







I pray to not see the day,
where you have accepted a man,
that is less than me.





Every man likes to believe that there is nothing better than them.


Not going to sit here and tell you anything you do not know.








But damn,

Why do I feel like you deserve everything?

Why do I feel like you can have it all?


Why is it hard for me to let go?


But I am,



I will keep moving my feet.










I have to let myself sleep,
once,
in peace.


Soon.



How much meaning one side can pour,
while the other side,

holds no meaning,
to anything that I have felt.


How I mean nothing to you.

How I know my last words will be your name.


And how I know that your first drunken thoughts consist of fucking the first guy who catches your most shallow interest.

How I know that in reality I mean nothing.


that I have imagined all this.


How crazy I have let my mind drift.











How I desire to refuse to move on.






But These times are done.





There is no going back.

There never was.

You need to grow up.

as much as I do.


You little stupid selfish girl.



You do not give a shit about anyone,
except for your selfish little self.


Why cry about not feeling appreciated when you can just walk away right?







Miss you?

I always will.



But damn,
how have I let myself fall in the trap of the mind of a little girl.


Who wants to play with every heart that she is given.

Not understanding the difference between any of them.

How they all seem the same,

When there is an overabundance.






Yet I keep telling myself.



I'M DIFFERENT!


We had something DIFFERENT!





Little boy,
wake up.

You got played son.

Ain't you listening to any of the songs you play?

You ain't the first.


Vicious immature girls are everywhere.

You just happened to be the victim of one.


Don't feel special.



Shiiiiit.





Miss you?

Forever?

I'll hold on to what my imagination painted of you


You're beautiful.


But fucking accept this pathetic attempt of another goodbye.