Another Goodbye

write until you die,



so many things,

I say,
when I shouldn't.


control is the last thing I worry about.


I'm always in control.

That is where people get fooled,
including me.

but heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey,

we're all kids really,

What the fuck do we know.

So much,

we say.

So exact,
so sure,
so as a matter of fact.

damn,

If only,

If only



is amongst the few words that I am left holding on to.


Believe the words of a little girl.

Yet there are plenty of little boys laughing at me,
who have probably ran through what I value the most.



One man's trash is another man's treasure.


Some say trash is trash,

You just didn't know any better.


Well shit.

If I am labeled an asshole for the rest of my life,
i guess it's just what I objectively deserve.

I say objectively in the most unfitting way.

What do you want from me really?

Nothing.

At this point I am talking to myself,
as usual.




What does it matter,
such a sad loner
who creates this self confident image.


Anxiety is the worst.

I love and hate feeling it.


is the best way to describe it.


Words words,
are a simple form of transcending feelings,
yet feelings are really lost in translation,

when it comes to minds such as mine.

Selfish little bitch,

Why have I loved someone who only looks at me as if i am just another.

which I was well aware of,


yet I walked away,

only to be dragged lower,

I laugh at myself.


In the most pathetic way.

realizing,


that if life,

is as meaningless as I believe it to be,

then why hold so much importance,

to a matter,

which only brought you nothing but,


what?

really?

finish the sentence for me?

if you can,

then befriend me,
for all of eternity,

And let me,

bother you,

with my presence.


We all want to cry when we do not feel appreciated.



Well in this case,

I guess this is my way of crying about it.

yet,
the important part is to keep moving,
my feet.


If life is indeed all that we have.

Of course I want to feel everything possible.

Take every opportunity that presents itself,

and not wait for anyone who,

drags their feet?


But not everyone is strong enough?

why have I become the best at making excuses for other people.

At least I would like myself to believe that.




damn you are so beautiful to my eyes.
The hardest part is for me to imagine,
how low another sees you at.



As if you find joy in the mistreatment.

It's a fucked up world.
It sure as hell doesn't get prettier.




Not at all.



People either want to be


FUCKED

literally,



or loved.



It's hard to establish,

anything,

With confusion.




I write this,

as confused,
as I was,
since day,

one?




I speak,
as I think,
as I write,
as I want,
you so bad,
yet,

alone,

is what I am used to,

wanting you
is what I am used to,




NOT having you,
Is what I hate,

but it is what I have become used to.



While you play in the garden,

while I tell myself,

It's okay,
only I really understand.


while many watch me,

and laugh.

as they fuck her in the same garden,

that i have watched her run around in.



Such a nice boy,


damn,

reality, has no respect for ones feelings.


But I do not complain,

Serve it straight.

Shit,
it is up to me to get over it.

And I guess I must.







It's as if,
you felt,
that I am the idiot,


for believing the things you have told me.





How sad for you to dislike those,

who ACTUALLY take you serious.


Kept telling myself.

I know the real you.

Yes you.


Stupid bitch.


and I still say it,

upset.

I know you're beautiful.

You possess power,
that you yourself cannot see.



but perhaps maybe I am the only crazy person who sees.



Play the game making the one believe,

if he hangs on the longest he will win.


perhaps.


However,

I do not like that game.

Damn,
we are both so young,
were so young.


I was so young and sheltered.


And to have dealt with that,

While I was dealing with this?


couldn't even give me a break?


makes me question,

What it was exactly that you were holding on to?

Anyone that held on?


Sure doesn't make the individual feel,



anything in particular.

Yet I will die believing you are special.

At this point,

I pray to god,

That you better be.











So much passion,

so much intelligence,

So much rhetoric,

So much insight,

That is thrown away.

Am I really crazy?
Have I built myself an illusion?


All the times we have talked for hours,


Where I have enjoyed every second of you're beauty,
while listening,

actually listening to every word.



Man, it seemed like as if we were soul-mates.
especially when you told me you believed that we were soul-mates.


Drove me to the furthest point of my sanity.
And I'll drive off the edge of the cliff for you.

Yet,
I do not believe you wanted me to,
when it really came down to it.





So what was it that you really wanted?


Closure is something i do not want to lean on.







I miss everything about you,
you stupid little fucking idiot.
I wanted you to be all mine,
In the most selfish way.



Made me feel crazy for wanting you for myself,
when you asked me to be all yours.




Or acted like it.

When i walked away.




"You're the one I love and want,
It's you and it's always going to be you"






Poison,


sweet poison.


I cannot deal with this shit,

Fuck,











Make it seem so fucking regular,

as if anything you have ever said,

was never said.


as if I am crazy,

and I fabricated it all.








Keep moving my feet,

is what I tell myself.


Of course time heals all.


it's not that,
That I am worried about.







Why did you MAKE,

MAKE!

me believe that it was us?



I never told you eternity or nothing.


I told you to give me something.


yet you said nothing.

over and over and over and over again.

And when something was said,




it was the sweetest,
most precious.
Yet lies.


Lies.


Lies,
Why speak,
when only lies I hear.







I'm never going to forgive you.

because there is no wrong doing.

it's just life.

That we involuntarily have to participate in.



if there was truly no meaning in us,

I am moving on.


But memories cannot be erased.

Thoughts cannot be prevented.


So bare with my weak and pathetic self.


until I find a source of salvation.



But this distance,
is only helping me



In the most painful way.


Such a bitch I choose to act like.


Yet,
My knuckles have plenty of scars on them.


So do not get it twisted.








I know what to do.

But never when it came to you.




The little selfish spoiled little brat,
who wants everything,

just wanted my attention,

amongst the many things that she got,


And she played and played,


and I played and played.



And I kept anticipating for more,

and she left me believing,


and reaching,

until I grew tired and left,

only for her to persuade me to come back and have patience.

And I do.


















Right now,


I have heard you say,
the most,
hurtful things.

which I choose not to believe,

because,
if you meant,

anything which you have said.


You wouldn't want another word with me.


I love you forever and always.




But I have let go,

I am moving on.







I pray to not see the day,
where you have accepted a man,
that is less than me.





Every man likes to believe that there is nothing better than them.


Not going to sit here and tell you anything you do not know.








But damn,

Why do I feel like you deserve everything?

Why do I feel like you can have it all?


Why is it hard for me to let go?


But I am,



I will keep moving my feet.










I have to let myself sleep,
once,
in peace.


Soon.



How much meaning one side can pour,
while the other side,

holds no meaning,
to anything that I have felt.


How I mean nothing to you.

How I know my last words will be your name.


And how I know that your first drunken thoughts consist of fucking the first guy who catches your most shallow interest.

How I know that in reality I mean nothing.


that I have imagined all this.


How crazy I have let my mind drift.











How I desire to refuse to move on.






But These times are done.





There is no going back.

There never was.

You need to grow up.

as much as I do.


You little stupid selfish girl.



You do not give a shit about anyone,
except for your selfish little self.


Why cry about not feeling appreciated when you can just walk away right?







Miss you?

I always will.



But damn,
how have I let myself fall in the trap of the mind of a little girl.


Who wants to play with every heart that she is given.

Not understanding the difference between any of them.

How they all seem the same,

When there is an overabundance.






Yet I keep telling myself.



I'M DIFFERENT!


We had something DIFFERENT!





Little boy,
wake up.

You got played son.

Ain't you listening to any of the songs you play?

You ain't the first.


Vicious immature girls are everywhere.

You just happened to be the victim of one.


Don't feel special.



Shiiiiit.





Miss you?

Forever?

I'll hold on to what my imagination painted of you


You're beautiful.


But fucking accept this pathetic attempt of another goodbye.