I spoke the other day,
knowing I was being spiteful.
Choosing to ignore it,
however
is what I'm used to doing.
My thoughts keep me up at night.
They always have,
I just used to think it was normal.
The definition of normal seems so abstract
Regardless,
I know this,
when my sister couldn't sleep
she would come to me knowing I was up,
I lied,
i would walk by her room to see if her lights were on,
and I would walk by,
and if the lights were on,
I would slowly tip toe over,
slight knock,
she would open the door,
knowing its me,
WHAT DO YOU WANT,
Oh how annoying she made me feel,
Ultimately I wanted to interact with her,
i mean,
I had a good time hanging out with her,
the times she would let me.
She had strict rules,
when I was allowed in her room.
The nights where she would let me in,
Momentarily assuming that she needed company,
I couldn't resist,
i would push my luck
I walk in, as if I am not going to act up,
or annoy her,
not move things around,
make things messy,
throw some books on the floor,
I would just pretend to be "normal"
it was her room,
her rules,
The door was closed and I hold it in as long as I can
Sooo ummm what are you doing?
If you're going to be annoying, leave.
Oh No I would never! Why would you think that?
No answer
Huh? tell me, why would you think that?
No anwer
Hey
No answer
Hey, Psssss, Hey Can you Hear...
WHAT!?!?!
Whoa whao! Calm down I was just asking a question.
NO You're being annoying!
Asking A question is annoying?
No!
Now I am confused, I just wanted to know why you think I would want to annoy you?
GET OUT OF MY ROOM!
Obviously this is where i would break character a little and laugh
That is when she would be the most pissed
She loved those interactions
I don't care what anyone says
Now I look back
She needed those interactions.
My sweet sister,
She stands up for what she believes to be right.
She will stand up to anyone,
now, I would like to hope so.
It really is tough,
being away from the youngin's for this long.
Soon I shall be a distant memory they hold on to
This idea of a person.
Who knows how the minds around will paint me as to them,
There will be a lot of whispers their ears hear when attached to my name
I imagine,
I just hope it doesn't come off as wishful thinking.
But these different types of whispers will paint a hell of a picture,
which end result
I believe
Will only make them
be very curious
Yes Now I really do feel as if I am coming off as a naive wishful thinker
I believe that maybe perhaps I am being hopeful,
Where I do let my faith rest
In the chance
that good will defy
the odds
that humans have calculated
for ourselves?
Seems silly
when said like that
To me at least
Crazy,
is being defined,
differently
every day
it seems like.
Rational vs Irrational
Who is the true winner
ultimately,
there is urge to be reasonable,
right?
wrong?
We think
discuss,
check logic,
step by step
Reason
is remarkable
Yet
Irrational
is just so wrong?
so tempting?
Yes,
more suitable
What draws me closer and closer
The other side of the world
When you let me look straight into your eyes
I see you
Then you walk away,
only letting me to believe
that you leaving
was only
because
you felt
as if
I
were too good
to be true
How me feeding off my ego
makes my vision
seem so absurd
Yet I do not really mean it like that
I look,
your body talks for you,
I really do not care what you say,
But even when I choose to listen
You have given
me words
that have poisoned my mind
were I consciously go blind
Following your voice,
yet it was not to me
directly
I imagine
now
that you were speaking too,
Just to anyone listening,
you not realizing it either,
Hanging on
To who?
or to what?
Which questions
if answered
gets me more,
Both,
We let go
We let ourselves fall
Hit the ground
We stay on the ground
We find others,
so miserable
the way we all
collectively claim
to be so alone
Drown in our misery
Had me feelin
like
just
You and me
Foolish little boy
I guess my father never warned me
How much ice can flow
in one girls veins
I guess my mother made me believe that no one will hurt me
as long as she hides me
As long as she hid me
Why did she hide me?
Where no one could find me?
Its okay,
now I am beginning to understand,
I am not that which you love,
For you loved this offspring,
that you can cling
on to forever
Because this is me,
and this me makes you cry,
shed tears,
have sleepless nights
Wallow in your pain
Dragging everyone down into your sad sad world.
Everyone Come watch,
Look how sad I am.
EVERYONE feel what I am going through.
Poor mother,
I love you so dearly,
I know it is not pity you want from me.
Because Human has no desire for peoples pity
And those that do,
I pity them.
I choose to not hide anymore.
Expose myself.
Talk about it As if it were such an epic transformational moment,
Where I wake up to realize I have grown wings
And I can fly away and be all that I can be
Foolish little boy I choose to be.
Sometimes cartoons are better,
when real life consists of too much gray.
There is one I hope you can remember.
perhaps,
acknowledge what I find to have a slight hint of brilliance.
I see it in myself rarely,
and I only say rarely to seem humble.
Such a constant battle my mind has.
I miss my brothers,
I miss my sisters,
My Mother,
who was engaged at 15
married at 16
3 kids by 20
me being the third.
You gave life,
and never enjoyed it for yourself
Because the life you gave,
you believe is yours to enjoy forever.
Hard lesson is,
true love,
is amongst individuals
I babble as if I know,
but really I know nothing I speak,
rather think it
and through self entitlement
believe what I think to be True,
in end result
I am right.
How do we know if I am right
or I am just fooling myself.
Yet they say through proper logic and reason
However
I have seen
people
perceive themselves
as a person
that prides themselves
on their
Rational thinking abilities
Emotions,
i never react
thought first
Not realizing anger is an emotion
or perhaps being stubborn
and forcing oneself to forget
How males at nature can be such a funny spectacle.
I'm a MAN
we are not emotional,
we are just stubborn and choose to act out of anger
I suppose that seems emotional.
Whatever you say,
I am 100 percent sure that I am correct.
Anyone that argues my point is making an invalid statement.
I really believe this.
Only until I face an answer that seems more reasonable.
Tangents,
Crazy.
Goodnight
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