Waiting to give my urine sample.

One month down. 

This drug test better work. 

I have to piss like crazy. 

If/when I pass. I will be ecstatic. 

I wanna blowie. That be nice. 

How people carry themselves is quite unique. 

How we hold people to such a high standard then not believe in free will. 

It seems so contradictory. 

Well you are the way you are,

There is no free will in that. 

Rather 

Free will has to be reached out for. 

We have to break out of the natural state we were given. 

Are we content with what we are at our natural state? 

Or do we defy what we are,

And reach further 

Than we were supposed too. 

Do we listen to the voices that tell us,

our risks that we take,

are not smart and calculated steps? 

Yet what is life if each step is only taken based on how low the risk is. 

Since when have we abandoned taking risks, and have settle for safety? 

I guess the more one believes that there is nothing after ,

They are more likely to become boring.

Is boring the right word? 

Death, 

Ultimately can be the biggest motivator, 

Or the biggest set back. 

In my case,

Every time I think about death,

I get motivated. 

To do what exactly?

To live,

Opposed to just waiting to die. 

If this is all that we have, 

Collectively and individually,

What holds us back?

The fear of failing?

It seems so ironic. 

We are too afraid to live because we are too afraid to die. 

Afraid

Afraid

So we stall,

Tell ourself

Safe is better 

Safe

Quiet

Don't be obnoxious. 

Is that what it's called? 

We are so sure

Purely based on the calculations we have discovered

Only to predict

What exactly?

The probability of different outcomes? 

Assuming the most probable answer is the expected outcome? 

Not sure if that is how real life carries itself. 

Looking at humanity objectively,

Is one thing. 

Living your life objectively,

Is very unhealthy. 

Suppressing our feelings,

And not considering them, 

As we make life decisions,

I would only assume

Will ultimately have a very strong effect on us. 

We are not asked to ignore our emotions,

Rather guide them. 

With intellect. 

We are only asked to make decisions,

Where we have to ignore emotion,

During times of survival,

In a state of an emergency. 

But what state of emergency are we living in? 

For those who live in the same state as I do. 

It seems that the ones who push rational thinking,

Are ones who like to push their own agenda. 

Especially when,

One tries to manipulate. 

It's very disgusting. 

Using intimidation,

Stubbornness,

Frustration,

Then coating it,

With a blanket 

That we like to call

Rational. 

We are not free,

If we do not believe our actions to be. 

Ultimately,

The truth is what we accept for ourself. 

And what we individually believe, 

Are the limits we set for ourselves. 

Do you believe to be free?

Do you believe to be a slave to no one?

Do you believe you can change the world?

Shake it's very existence? 

I do. 

Another Goodbye

write until you die,



so many things,

I say,
when I shouldn't.


control is the last thing I worry about.


I'm always in control.

That is where people get fooled,
including me.

but heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey,

we're all kids really,

What the fuck do we know.

So much,

we say.

So exact,
so sure,
so as a matter of fact.

damn,

If only,

If only



is amongst the few words that I am left holding on to.


Believe the words of a little girl.

Yet there are plenty of little boys laughing at me,
who have probably ran through what I value the most.



One man's trash is another man's treasure.


Some say trash is trash,

You just didn't know any better.


Well shit.

If I am labeled an asshole for the rest of my life,
i guess it's just what I objectively deserve.

I say objectively in the most unfitting way.

What do you want from me really?

Nothing.

At this point I am talking to myself,
as usual.




What does it matter,
such a sad loner
who creates this self confident image.


Anxiety is the worst.

I love and hate feeling it.


is the best way to describe it.


Words words,
are a simple form of transcending feelings,
yet feelings are really lost in translation,

when it comes to minds such as mine.

Selfish little bitch,

Why have I loved someone who only looks at me as if i am just another.

which I was well aware of,


yet I walked away,

only to be dragged lower,

I laugh at myself.


In the most pathetic way.

realizing,


that if life,

is as meaningless as I believe it to be,

then why hold so much importance,

to a matter,

which only brought you nothing but,


what?

really?

finish the sentence for me?

if you can,

then befriend me,
for all of eternity,

And let me,

bother you,

with my presence.


We all want to cry when we do not feel appreciated.



Well in this case,

I guess this is my way of crying about it.

yet,
the important part is to keep moving,
my feet.


If life is indeed all that we have.

Of course I want to feel everything possible.

Take every opportunity that presents itself,

and not wait for anyone who,

drags their feet?


But not everyone is strong enough?

why have I become the best at making excuses for other people.

At least I would like myself to believe that.




damn you are so beautiful to my eyes.
The hardest part is for me to imagine,
how low another sees you at.



As if you find joy in the mistreatment.

It's a fucked up world.
It sure as hell doesn't get prettier.




Not at all.



People either want to be


FUCKED

literally,



or loved.



It's hard to establish,

anything,

With confusion.




I write this,

as confused,
as I was,
since day,

one?




I speak,
as I think,
as I write,
as I want,
you so bad,
yet,

alone,

is what I am used to,

wanting you
is what I am used to,




NOT having you,
Is what I hate,

but it is what I have become used to.



While you play in the garden,

while I tell myself,

It's okay,
only I really understand.


while many watch me,

and laugh.

as they fuck her in the same garden,

that i have watched her run around in.



Such a nice boy,


damn,

reality, has no respect for ones feelings.


But I do not complain,

Serve it straight.

Shit,
it is up to me to get over it.

And I guess I must.







It's as if,
you felt,
that I am the idiot,


for believing the things you have told me.





How sad for you to dislike those,

who ACTUALLY take you serious.


Kept telling myself.

I know the real you.

Yes you.


Stupid bitch.


and I still say it,

upset.

I know you're beautiful.

You possess power,
that you yourself cannot see.



but perhaps maybe I am the only crazy person who sees.



Play the game making the one believe,

if he hangs on the longest he will win.


perhaps.


However,

I do not like that game.

Damn,
we are both so young,
were so young.


I was so young and sheltered.


And to have dealt with that,

While I was dealing with this?


couldn't even give me a break?


makes me question,

What it was exactly that you were holding on to?

Anyone that held on?


Sure doesn't make the individual feel,



anything in particular.

Yet I will die believing you are special.

At this point,

I pray to god,

That you better be.











So much passion,

so much intelligence,

So much rhetoric,

So much insight,

That is thrown away.

Am I really crazy?
Have I built myself an illusion?


All the times we have talked for hours,


Where I have enjoyed every second of you're beauty,
while listening,

actually listening to every word.



Man, it seemed like as if we were soul-mates.
especially when you told me you believed that we were soul-mates.


Drove me to the furthest point of my sanity.
And I'll drive off the edge of the cliff for you.

Yet,
I do not believe you wanted me to,
when it really came down to it.





So what was it that you really wanted?


Closure is something i do not want to lean on.







I miss everything about you,
you stupid little fucking idiot.
I wanted you to be all mine,
In the most selfish way.



Made me feel crazy for wanting you for myself,
when you asked me to be all yours.




Or acted like it.

When i walked away.




"You're the one I love and want,
It's you and it's always going to be you"






Poison,


sweet poison.


I cannot deal with this shit,

Fuck,











Make it seem so fucking regular,

as if anything you have ever said,

was never said.


as if I am crazy,

and I fabricated it all.








Keep moving my feet,

is what I tell myself.


Of course time heals all.


it's not that,
That I am worried about.







Why did you MAKE,

MAKE!

me believe that it was us?



I never told you eternity or nothing.


I told you to give me something.


yet you said nothing.

over and over and over and over again.

And when something was said,




it was the sweetest,
most precious.
Yet lies.


Lies.


Lies,
Why speak,
when only lies I hear.







I'm never going to forgive you.

because there is no wrong doing.

it's just life.

That we involuntarily have to participate in.



if there was truly no meaning in us,

I am moving on.


But memories cannot be erased.

Thoughts cannot be prevented.


So bare with my weak and pathetic self.


until I find a source of salvation.



But this distance,
is only helping me



In the most painful way.


Such a bitch I choose to act like.


Yet,
My knuckles have plenty of scars on them.


So do not get it twisted.








I know what to do.

But never when it came to you.




The little selfish spoiled little brat,
who wants everything,

just wanted my attention,

amongst the many things that she got,


And she played and played,


and I played and played.



And I kept anticipating for more,

and she left me believing,


and reaching,

until I grew tired and left,

only for her to persuade me to come back and have patience.

And I do.


















Right now,


I have heard you say,
the most,
hurtful things.

which I choose not to believe,

because,
if you meant,

anything which you have said.


You wouldn't want another word with me.


I love you forever and always.




But I have let go,

I am moving on.







I pray to not see the day,
where you have accepted a man,
that is less than me.





Every man likes to believe that there is nothing better than them.


Not going to sit here and tell you anything you do not know.








But damn,

Why do I feel like you deserve everything?

Why do I feel like you can have it all?


Why is it hard for me to let go?


But I am,



I will keep moving my feet.










I have to let myself sleep,
once,
in peace.


Soon.



How much meaning one side can pour,
while the other side,

holds no meaning,
to anything that I have felt.


How I mean nothing to you.

How I know my last words will be your name.


And how I know that your first drunken thoughts consist of fucking the first guy who catches your most shallow interest.

How I know that in reality I mean nothing.


that I have imagined all this.


How crazy I have let my mind drift.











How I desire to refuse to move on.






But These times are done.





There is no going back.

There never was.

You need to grow up.

as much as I do.


You little stupid selfish girl.



You do not give a shit about anyone,
except for your selfish little self.


Why cry about not feeling appreciated when you can just walk away right?







Miss you?

I always will.



But damn,
how have I let myself fall in the trap of the mind of a little girl.


Who wants to play with every heart that she is given.

Not understanding the difference between any of them.

How they all seem the same,

When there is an overabundance.






Yet I keep telling myself.



I'M DIFFERENT!


We had something DIFFERENT!





Little boy,
wake up.

You got played son.

Ain't you listening to any of the songs you play?

You ain't the first.


Vicious immature girls are everywhere.

You just happened to be the victim of one.


Don't feel special.



Shiiiiit.





Miss you?

Forever?

I'll hold on to what my imagination painted of you


You're beautiful.


But fucking accept this pathetic attempt of another goodbye.

Exposure

I swear,
i am the weirdest mother fucker I know sometimes,

Why is it telling me that word is spelled wrong.

Fuck You,

Hahahahahahaha


Ha
HA


It is sooo funny!

I am just so glad that I can actually type this well right now.


You have no idea that passive aggressive bull shit that i choose to deal with



But come on!

To what extent do we lie to ourselves that there is joy in the lie that we chose to believe!

At some point will we abandon the words that we have spoken,
as if they were words spoken as if an oath was taken.

as if as if as if as if


But not so quick!

Shit!

Things are not turning the way they should have turned,

Perhaps where I imagined only?



Wake me up,
you're only doing the opposite,


I do not understand the details,

but when the bigger picture has been painted,
one cannot help
but

To look what it says,



disappointment

I do not feel,

neither regret,


That is a cowards way out.


i would like to believe.



Curious to see how naive I might have been.




But yet I feel as if,

I have surrendered to the true will,

Can you grasp,

I doubt.




We wonder,
about each other,

to learn how
everyone thinks
of only themselves

really,

Yes not always,

but
only me.

The same way I speak as if the world was the other half of my existence.

Making my existence equivalent to the creation of humanity.

fifty fifty split.

not bad.


yet I am nothing,
just another whisper that will never be heard,
regardless of how loud I scream.

Regardless of the troubles I had.


Regardless of the words i blindly accepted.



My path,
wherever I am going,

has a long way to go.



I feel so destined,
to be this,
person......




And it is the person that I believe that I am now.



It sounds crazy,

it sounds surreal.

Yet I believe because I feel this way.


So how can you claim to know me.


if you cannot see that in me?









For the birds I suppose I shall leave that.








How I have run away,
trying to find every excuse,
justifying.


Self-justifications.

are hilarious.



I take a sip for me



I take a sip for you




I take a sip for ma NIGGAS!




I take a sip for the ones who only show love





I take a sip for her.



again.













We Indulge in our weakness,

Well we have let them for too long,

Why have we found pleasure in our misery?

How have they taught us to do so?

I cannot help but,
yearn and long,
for her.




Yet a little boy has to wake up.
And not follow any word that seems so pleasant.
Truth does not lie within the words,
but within the mind
of the liar.





Now now,



now


now.



How I have
taken,
sleep


as a priority.







My last words





if they were


to be taken




I guess


Fuck it,


Lolz





Younes,
you're a champion in whatever it is that you choose to do.
I know that you're a champion,
so just trust me.



My ego ego egoo

So conflicted.


I wonder how much I'll misunderstand myself when I read this.

I'm still amazed of how well I can type right now.









OMGNeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee





I have to skip that song,


at least tonight.

Predictions


3 months and she'll be over it all.


2 years minimum and ill be ok.







Godmit.




It's all good though.



What's life going to mean,
if these things do not happen to us.



Die free and alone?


or

Enslaved and together?




I type this as I think it,


What an interesting proposition I have proposed for myself.






How do I even end this?





Here is a joke to end the night.


once upon a time,
I fell in love




Bah-DUMM
TISHHH!



tonight is an embarrassing night

I choose exposure.

Unrestricted Isolation

"Phase two"
is all that was said. This of course was done only to add effect.
"Well, go on."
I said after giving him his three seconds of dramatic silence.

"It's not gonna be easy, So I am not gonna blame you for having some difficulties."
Saying it as if he knows it all, but I must remain sharp.
"Usually when people look to place blame beforehand, it means they're second guessing themselves,"
This took him back a bit,
I must seize this moment and continue.
"I understand the worries you have for me, but something tells me you're trying to panic vicariously through me."
Now if that is not at least considered a poke,
I will just have to quit. But I shall not be too haste to celebrate,
a Man with a reputation,
will always desire to leave an impression.

"You seem to understand a lot,"
he starts of very slow, it's obvious he is stalling.
or is he trying to create some sort of effect again?
"so tell me then,
am I panicking?
Or simply,
the only one out of us two,
who is not in denial"

I understood right away,
but I chose not to give him the feedback he wanted.
I kept my face looking scrambled.

I wanted him to question his delivery,
He didn't lose eye contact,
The only thing that changed was his straight face.
Now he was smirking,
arrogantly.

"Of course you know what I am speaking of mister....?
He knew my name,
of course he did.
Pathetic power play.

"Oh pardon me for the improper introduction,
I could have sworn we met already?"
Hmmm, i guess I'm choosing to kill him with kindness? But to him it might seem as a small victory. And whatever victory he believes he's achieved will only make him more confident,
and confidence is the steroid to the mind that has chosen to stay ignorant and arrogant.

"I am so sorry, we must have. I am terrible with names, since I was a kid I was always known to be forgetful," he actually said very polite.
I was looking for that hint of sarcasm.

"So would you like to hear about phase two?"

"sure."
Perhaps too quick I responded.
makes me come across too eager.
For some reason, acting eager makes people think you're a kid.

"Phase two, the part where the smoke clears, the noise fades, the sun rises only to shed light on your new surrounding," he started.
"And you know what your new surrounding is?"

I hate when people want me to answer rhetorical questions only to add effect to their story.

But he was still waiting for me to say something,
I won't,
i caved,
"what?"

and I'm sure there was some frustration in that word.

He waits a second,
his face is just telling me,
clever he is going to feel after saying whatever he is going to say.

"You look around for the first time, with the light exposing everything, only to realize your new surrounding is NOTHING."

"Nothing?"
I responded quickly again!
This time I didn't mind.

"Would it be too much if I asked for some elaboration?"
I asked this of course expecting a very excited reaction. I have learned that people enjoy when you seem curious about what they have to say. Especially when you seem curious enough to ask them to keep talking.

"Well okay,
let me explain this from another aspect,"
he's getting ready for a monologue,
it seems like.




"We make decisions,
and we live by them to an extent. We always leave a safety net to fall on. We say we live with our decisions but it just doesn't feel that way. Is it because we do not realize that the safety net is the main source of our problems?
In life,
There Are the decisions that we make based on
what we want to do,
and there are the things we actually do,
in case of what we want,
not happening,
so therefore,
we tell ourselves,
our Plan B is second,
Yet our Plan A,
really is our plan B,
And our PLan B,
is really our plan A."


He finished that statement wanting to continue, yet he believes he is the only one who can keep up with his thoughts,
that not everyone can understand when he rambles,
he wants me to nod,
or say something to acknowledge that I am following.

"So our real plan A is the safety net,"
threw him a quick wrench.

His immediate response,

"No not at all,"

Followed by,

"Well yes,"

Then smiling saying,

"I mean,
yeah.
Oh!
I see!
Okay!"

This actually got him more excited.


"We want to test these life changing decisions,
and it is impossible to test out new ideas when you are being surrounded by all your old decisions,"

I don't to acknowledge how much sense he is making,
why is that?

"So we truly understand if our new decisions work,
only once we put ourselves in a new environmenT,
So phase one is placing yourself in a new environment"

I don't like how he is making all these side points,
just to create more suspense and glory for his final point.
I want to tell him to stop thinking he is brilliant or extremely smart because he points out obvious things.

"And when it's just you and your decisions, after phase one,
comes phase two,"

I understand what he is saying, I feel agitation and frustration because you are trying to accept the truth, I guess I have to keep telling myself that.

"and Phase to my friend,
Ya know what that is?"

This time at least he didn't expect me to answer that rhetorical question,
rather he needed that pause to take a sip of his whiskey.

"Epic loneliness," and he burst out into laughter.

And I fully saw the humor,
I appreciated the humor.
I appreciated that he appreciated it.

"You let that phase two creep in hard enough,
you're going to question and doubt every decision you have made,"

He's making good points,

He's making sense!


"Always remember,
subconsciously or consciously or whatever,
you're just holding on to the comforts of the past.
Face it,
you're not going to meet anyone for a couple of month,
shit you'd be lucky if it was that quick.
You don't really meet anyone,
like really meet someone,
until like a year in."

I stayed quiet and smiled,
as if those words didn't shake me.

"Utilize that time,
unrestricted isolation is known to be the key element of greatness."


Immediately I wanted to say,
"Says who?
You?
You're just this guy who is on his fifth whiskey,
who I just watched smoke a joint 10 minutes ago,
and now you're sitting here just babbling believing anything that comes out of your mouth,
is genius.
You don't know shit!
you don't know me"

But I bit my thoughts,
"It's hard hearing hard truths,
yet alone from a stranger,
who speaks as if he has known me for a while.,
I do have an urge to question why one feels such entitlement to go around pointing things out to people they do not know,"

His face was changing as I was speaking,
he was trying to reestablish his posture,
he's feeling threatened,
I continued,

"But if I said all that,
the same argument can be used on me,
so end result i see what you're saying,
I know when i hear bullshit,
and I know when i don't,
I'd like to think."

I smiled,
because sometimes i think people do not understand me,
so if I am smiling,
they know I am not angry,
but perhaps they might think I'm crazy.





"Well cheers to that,"
he lifted his drink,
almost out of pity for he saw my misery.


"and yes,
you should go talk to that girl in that red dress,
i mean come on,
she is wearing a red dress and is definitely eye fucking you"

He's literally trying to cheer me up,
and it really pisses me off,
as if I'm some wounded little puppy bitch.

"You have led me to believe that you doubt my abilities when it comes to talking to the ladies.
Perhaps you think I am shy and scared of girls as well?"

As I was trying to be witty and hold my ground as a respectable young man,
a girl was walking towards us,
passing behind him.
Pretty,
yes she was.

"excuse me," I gently pulled on her wrist.

"my friend here is awfully upset because I am going to leave him alone now,
because in my heart I very much desire to talk to that woman over there,"

This catches every girl by surprise,
the tug on the wrist made her react quickly,
but once she realized what was happening,
She started smiling and loving every second of it. I can see his reaction through my peripheral,
and I really do not have to look to know that this caught him by surprise.

"And there is nothing to worry,
my friend here is a gentleman who fancies himself on his fine abilities to keep a woman,
such as yourself,
very entertained,
throughout all the different parts of the night"

I knew saying that last part,
made him act a little awkward,
which only made the girl laugh,
so overall,
Bingo.
Right?


"Well if you can now excuse me,
I have to go make this woman fall in love with me."

Perfect exit,
she was smiling,
he was impressed of how well i opened that up for him.

My confidence was through the rough,
I felt invincible. The whiskey starting to settle in,
the night is catching rhythm,
I'm walking straight towards her,
I avoid thinking about what to say,
I prefer when things come naturally.

Right before I get there,


I stop,
and decide,

to go home.

No distractions.

Phase two must first be endured.

He was right.

I am right.



Unrestricted Isolation

Listen to my mind whisper.

I spoke the other day,
knowing I was being spiteful.
Choosing to ignore it,
however
is what I'm used to doing.

My thoughts keep me up at night.
They always have,
I just used to think it was normal.
The definition of normal seems so abstract
Regardless,
I know this,
when my sister couldn't sleep
she would come to me knowing I was up,
I lied,
i would walk by her room to see if her lights were on,
and I would walk by,
and if the lights were on,
I would slowly tip toe over,
slight knock,
she would open the door,
knowing its me,
WHAT DO YOU WANT,
Oh how annoying she made me feel,
Ultimately I wanted to interact with her,
i mean,
I had a good time hanging out with her,
the times she would let me.

She had strict rules,
when I was allowed in her room.

The nights where she would let me in,
Momentarily assuming that she needed company,

I couldn't resist,
i would push my luck

I walk in, as if I am not going to act up,
or annoy her,
not move things around,
make things messy,
throw some books on the floor,

I would just pretend to be "normal"
it was her room,
her rules,

The door was closed and I hold it in as long as I can

Sooo ummm what are you doing?

If you're going to be annoying, leave.

Oh No I would never! Why would you think that?

No answer

Huh? tell me, why would you think that?

No anwer

Hey

No answer

Hey, Psssss, Hey Can you Hear...

WHAT!?!?!

Whoa whao! Calm down I was just asking a question.

NO You're being annoying!

Asking A question is annoying?

No!

Now I am confused, I just wanted to know why you think I would want to annoy you?

GET OUT OF MY ROOM!

Obviously this is where i would break character a little and laugh

That is when she would be the most pissed
She loved those interactions
I don't care what anyone says

Now I look back

She needed those interactions.



My sweet sister,
She stands up for what she believes to be right.
She will stand up to anyone,
now, I would like to hope so.

It really is tough,
being away from the youngin's for this long.

Soon I shall be a distant memory they hold on to
This idea of a person.

Who knows how the minds around will paint me as to them,
There will be a lot of whispers their ears hear when attached to my name

I imagine,

I just hope it doesn't come off as wishful thinking.

But these different types of whispers will paint a hell of a picture,
which end result
I believe
Will only make them
be very curious

Yes Now I really do feel as if I am coming off as a naive wishful thinker

I believe that maybe perhaps I am being hopeful,

Where I do let my faith rest

In the chance

that good will defy
the odds
that humans have calculated
for ourselves?

Seems silly
when said like that
To me at least


Crazy,
is being defined,
differently
every day
it seems like.

Rational vs Irrational

Who is the true winner

ultimately,
there is urge to be reasonable,
right?
wrong?
We think
discuss,
check logic,
step by step
Reason
is remarkable
Yet
Irrational
is just so wrong?
so tempting?
Yes,
more suitable
What draws me closer and closer
The other side of the world

When you let me look straight into your eyes
I see you

Then you walk away,
only letting me to believe
that you leaving
was only
because
you felt
as if
I
were too good
to be true

How me feeding off my ego
makes my vision
seem so absurd

Yet I do not really mean it like that
I look,
your body talks for you,

I really do not care what you say,
But even when I choose to listen

You have given
me words
that have poisoned my mind
were I consciously go blind

Following your voice,
yet it was not to me
directly
I imagine
now
that you were speaking too,
Just to anyone listening,
you not realizing it either,
Hanging on

To who?
or to what?

Which questions
if answered
gets me more,

Both,

We let go

We let ourselves fall

Hit the ground

We stay on the ground

We find others,

so miserable
the way we all
collectively claim
to be so alone

Drown in our misery

Had me feelin
like
just
You and me

Foolish little boy
I guess my father never warned me

How much ice can flow
in one girls veins

I guess my mother made me believe that no one will hurt me
as long as she hides me

As long as she hid me

Why did she hide me?
Where no one could find me?

Its okay,
now I am beginning to understand,

I am not that which you love,

For you loved this offspring,
that you can cling
on to forever

Because this is me,
and this me makes you cry,
shed tears,
have sleepless nights

Wallow in your pain
Dragging everyone down into your sad sad world.

Everyone Come watch,
Look how sad I am.

EVERYONE feel what I am going through.

Poor mother,

I love you so dearly,
I know it is not pity you want from me.

Because Human has no desire for peoples pity

And those that do,

I pity them.



I choose to not hide anymore.


Expose myself.

Talk about it As if it were such an epic transformational moment,

Where I wake up to realize I have grown wings
And I can fly away and be all that I can be

Foolish little boy I choose to be.

Sometimes cartoons are better,
when real life consists of too much gray.


There is one I hope you can remember.

perhaps,
acknowledge what I find to have a slight hint of brilliance.

I see it in myself rarely,

and I only say rarely to seem humble.

Such a constant battle my mind has.

I miss my brothers,
I miss my sisters,
My Mother,
who was engaged at 15
married at 16
3 kids by 20
me being the third.

You gave life,
and never enjoyed it for yourself
Because the life you gave,
you believe is yours to enjoy forever.

Hard lesson is,
true love,
is amongst individuals

I babble as if I know,
but really I know nothing I speak,
rather think it
and through self entitlement
believe what I think to be True,
in end result
I am right.




How do we know if I am right
or I am just fooling myself.

Yet they say through proper logic and reason

However
I have seen
people
perceive themselves
as a person
that prides themselves
on their
Rational thinking abilities

Emotions,
i never react
thought first

Not realizing anger is an emotion

or perhaps being stubborn
and forcing oneself to forget

How males at nature can be such a funny spectacle.

I'm a MAN
we are not emotional,
we are just stubborn and choose to act out of anger

I suppose that seems emotional.

Whatever you say,
I am 100 percent sure that I am correct.

Anyone that argues my point is making an invalid statement.
I really believe this.


Only until I face an answer that seems more reasonable.



Tangents,
Crazy.
Goodnight

Dear Santa,

Hadude I DID IT!

is what he would say to me.
Crazy,
is what the truth turned out to be.

Turning out,
Sure
yeah
But just forget about certain things
and just let it make sense.

Just let me have this.
realizing
letting
is unnecessary
therefore I need you because........?

But really who am I fooling again?
Myself of course.
Just let me,
I miss certain joys of being fooled.

Ya know?
It's nice not believing you simple just know better than people.
Lets be honest,
it comes off super fucking Arrogant.
But then again,
only to the person who doesn't know any better.

I can run in circles all day,
as I have in the last 20 some years of my life.
Questioning,
maybe I really don't know better.
Maybe I should really listen to others,
they know better for me,
Than as I do,
For myself.

Well now you see,
the problem
I see forming,
as I state my side,
is one
shall think
I have no appreciation for my parents.

I mean yes,
Their intentions were never at question.
They want me to be happy.

Their actions,
however,
became
Hostile?

Who knows,
God I guess.


lolz........


Man this move is killer,
Killer-awesome.

Or am I still in the phase where I tell myself that.

The fog definitely has not cleared yet.

The "loneliness" era.

Haha this liquor in my glass is very persistent in telling me
that day,
Is really not coming..


Let's be real,

Have been,
nothing to say,
bout what I'm gonna do.

Since I been here,
all I do.
is
just doin' it.

What?
Oh you know.

What can you expect from me?
Well that though exactly,
if I want too.



RAAAAAAAAAMBLE!

Say it with me,
pussy.
Coward.



Can't
Don't blame you.

Say speak,
Drink,
laugh.
Smile,
She do,
I know,
She's shy.
I walk over,
Intro,
Killed it,
Friends take over,
single her out,
I speak
she laugh,
of course,
She has a nice name,
Boy you got balls,
tell me shit I dont know,
Why so confident?
Why NOT?
She smilin,
not the 'nice to meet you' smile
Seductive
already?
You leave on sunday?
you want me to have your number?
Just a friend you say?
You say?
I say.
whatever my smile meant,
I'll be ya besssss friend till sunday.





shiiiii
I swear, it is ridiculous with how smooth I feel at times.
I know
and realize
an outside person,
looking
in
sees me
madman
just drowned in my own world,
believing my
thoughts.


So what?
Why YOU mad though?

Answer that with an apology,

BITCH!

Fuck wit a nigga like me,
thinking I'm I don't really care.


Waste time,
but really
Time is never wasted if wasted time is time spent thinking.

I think a lot.
and I learned,
now,

no one thinks the way that I do.
So fuck
you
for thinking,

I feel better than you,
just because,
I am different
than everyone.

It wasn't my choice you dick.
It is your repetitive style of thinking that
made me believe everyone is the same,
except for us few.

The ones that have escaped all enslavement.
Hears my words, through the inner voice,
as they are reading this,
Im hoping at night,
cuddled away in their bed.
while the laptop light reflects of your face.
It just made me think of you
Fuck you

C'mon PEASE!


I have great times.
I want to go hang out now.

see what this place is all about.
Live life.
Hear new words,
spoken from new strangers.

Walk areas of the earth
which my feet have not stepped on

NEW EXCITING

Thrill ultimately.


Come on,
let me be dramatic.

It is all that I ask of you to be okay with..




maybe sometimes join.


Play with the animal.

this beast Love to play.

I'll tell her that with a straight face.

Because fuck you
I mean it.

Shit.

Peace.