Compliments To The Chef

What I'm willing
but it's killing me
to do
is to make a commitment
With the intent
for it
to stay true

Push out the weak thought
that just circles into chaos
Find your inner grip
Hold on to it
careful how tight
watch your own hard sweat
be the reason
you let it slip

Ironic
so probable
Spend time to unwind
all the twisted and tangled spines

Yet the remote in my hand
is controlled
by who I suppose
is the Crook or culprit
Excuses
Let's see how far they can go!

Travel with me,
please
it's not often my hands are free
It just seems it right now
My heels went over my head
And Now I'm shocked
that I fell to the ground

I'm always walking with doubt
I've never felt clear in my cloud
Who's hearing this now?
Me screaming so loud?

But silence is met
Caused by realities scent
fuckin loosing my mind
I tell myself
it's all in your head!

I'm just one of you
you're all screaming for attention
yet you deny that to be what you really intended

I believe what I see
I've lost so much faith
The most beautiful song
The presence of her grace

Looney filled thoughts
blocked off by primitive barks
I'm pounding my chest
to prove I hold no fear in the dark

Yet my actions speak louder than my words

for certain
i admit
that I wish
for that to be true

Confused when I speak
left stranded too quick
on purposed to make you feel stupid I think

Confused by the ring
Or just the sound that it makes
Who woke up my demon
just to prove that it's fake

There is no such thing as demons
You're not special at all
Just shut your fucking mouth
she said
and catch me IF I fall

I talk of the past
because I yearn for it
dear

Pillow hair
speaks
to hungover
me

In the mirror feel shame
or just unsettling thoughts
In such a strange place
I've happened to come

No idea about anyone
Constantly counting
My behavior is changing
ever so crowded

My head is big
because it's running out of room
If I get another compliment
it might just go boom

Never know how to end it
because I accept
that I will be taken by death

So come find me
but i hope it takes you a while
And I want you to tell your friends
That I put up a hell of a fight

My foolish confidence
leads me to places
that i never could name

To know how to stand
in a room
with such an unfamiliar face

Play with the danger
that's flooding your head
There is no time left later
because later you're dead

Will you dig your own grave
so no one has to dig it for you?
Such a nice person
thinking ahead
really
is that an action inspired by compassion

That person sure doesn't lack empathy
Coherent
you moron

What's the matter
you lost your footing?

trust me you're not the first
just stand up

Or you can just wait
for people
who you think are going to come
stop their lives
come sit
and cry with you

People left crying at the bottom roll around till they find each other
Now You have a friend you can cry too!

The best part is
neither of you is listening
just saying your own words
for theirs never to be heard

Me me me
sure, thing sweetie
My girlfriend is hassling me
She thinks that I'm like fucking someone else
so she's starting to act crazy

Are you though?
yeah
But no she's thinking I'm cheating for different reasons
she has no clue about that though

I really don't get it
why you mad bro?

I don't miss my past
i want to do that later
But it can have such a strong pull
As if you're never in control
You're only conscious to witness the actions

And be held accountable
with the highest of standards

I cannot predict the future
I'm just really good at stating my opinion

I'm losing focus
I'm feeling so down

There's no one to help me
So I guess I'll use myself
to get off the ground

Monsters

Growing up I was surrounded by family,
everyone loved everyone,
well at least it felt like everyone
loved me,
as I did them,
Feeling like you’re far from home,
blood will always support its own,

I would lose my center step,
as if I couldn’t grasp the most simple concept
I don’t care what you say
right now my heart screams for its home
in the oddest of ways.

Parallel we strung along

Never to cross paths,
So now I realize that I was just this curios guy
running around like a little kid
just wondering
what’s on the other side

I’ve open the doors now
to most that have closed,
Never did I imagine these days to come,
A much needed reflection
of a clear image
of myself.

Where is my soul and heart?
And if home is where the heart is
I’ve got a long ways to walk
I open the door
and they were waiting all along.

My mother said to me,

I knew you were coming back!
Not for a second did I not pray to God for you to come back
I know,
I have faith in God
I know he loves us.
She hugged me so hard,
I felt her relief,
she no longer feared
for the eternal outcome of my soul
The love of a mother
will defy reason
on the coldest day of any Winter,
I guess you could say

My fathers words I remember the most
when he welcomed me back home
He offered me his trust again,
and hugged and kissed me,

I accepted and said I'm ready to build the house from scratch
He wiped his tears
smiled and said,
you have a long ways to go.

The little ones were both there
playing their own game!

Hadude  is home!
Look!
They were fighting over who I snatch up first
So I grabbed them both
Held them up high
spun them around
I started dancing in the room

They were giggling with ease

I've haven't felt this happy in years
Threw them on the couch
Tickled them both into complete submission

Happy as can be it felt,
and I finally realized.
My search for home is over.

Goodness,
I honestly don’t know what made that come out.
What a bull shit story.
Cartoons are for kids. Grow up ya clown.
Trying to have the coolest room
as if trying to compensate for all the
"loss of cool points"
in highschool

Ugh you’re so pathetic.
Smile at me already,
Why do you hold it in?
And if you’re not, then shit who’s time are you wasting?
If not your own.

I don’t care if you waste my time,
I just want to ask
if you care whether or not
you waste your own time
with a follow up question…..
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I literally stopped writing and took like 10 minutes off because I just didn’t like where I was going with that.

Deal with it,
okay like I just got done writing about my family,
I was telling you a wishful pretend story that my mother every day visualizes happening someday,
....one day


I chuckle out loud like a douche sometimes
C.O.L.
col……..
cololololol
COLLLLLL!!!!!
COL!

Chuckle is legit,
I don’t know if I have mentioned this yet,
but the day I got back from Tucson,
I had such a crazy,
VIVID dream.

Listen,
I know I used  to complain about how the word vivid
didn’t fit,
it’s own definition,
based on the way it sounds.

I believe it should only be applied when you remember a dream clearly.
Dreams are vivid,
nothing is ever clear.

In this dream,
I lived in some weird fuckin underworld demon society,
where my neighbors that I lived with,
were these cruel
dark and gruesome
yet extremely powerful and majestical
demons…demented demons,
fuck you
I’m definitely not trying to describe dementors,
if anything their color in my dreams
were toxic,
Not a glow,
just…idk
it was gritty,

These creatures I lived with
it seemed like
hated each other
knowing it would never change
never to grant an ounce of mercy

If such occasion would ever rise
why end him
when you can keep him alive
Just to torture
and strip him down more

Peel flesh,
there is no sick need for it,
not because I want,
just because I can.

It was a nightmare I was in,
and I was aware I was in it.
I chose to explore,
my neighbors worlds.
Their wickedness scared me
Horrifying sensations,
heavy dark gloom
weighing you down,

The biggest stand out for me was

How  my neighbors were so horrifying
but never harmed me,

and oddly displayed how they would never wish to harm me
The way they would harm each other.

Now I regret no trying to harm one of them.

whatever

The dream got all dark and scary,

I got so scared where I gave up and just said fuck this

At one point I wished death upon myself because I knew it would end the dream.

I felt like I spent a lifetime in that dream.

Haaaah,
I babble
too much.

BABBLEONEAN

“See trust is like building a house,
he said
One piece at a time
Once you break the smallest piece
It’ll all come crumbling down…”

My 16 bars.

Redefine what's hard to find Give up little kid you've had enough
Fake a smile to shake a mind from ever reaching my Realest thought's

To provoke a beast That hides with ease and dies to feast
Don't try to be weak you waste time when you try to hide your life with a lie You can't follow this guy

Pick a topic just so you could cop it I mean every bitch needs gossip
And trip when they lose profit A Fine line to be crossed
so Goddamn often

GIve em what they get no need to ever mention it like a Bitter little bitch that holds it over your head

Can't ride the wave that you create So your mistake will you take  blame?

Your diluted one-sided view seems to be too bullet proof to ever make you understand that Yes you happen to be the fool

But every shed needs a tool to make it look whichever direction the mind took
The mind of a crook that hides in its nook

That cries out lies and denies what is right
Don't stick your nose in a fight

and get upset when it gets broken your spirit can't handle real words when they're spoken

You plan your attack from an angle that I understand But it can't ever gain respect as an act of a man

You color your feather based on the sound of the weather collecting pebbles so clever wondering if a chick will like em ever pretend maybe but really
never

Pathetic dude believes in his ways to be real moves Like check it this is what you're supposed to do Just go ahead and get off me
if you're a bitch then yes this is about you

I dissect and leave no mess, I help you see the mirror clearer It's not me who makes you feel less

Get defensive by insults that were never meant
damn you're sensitive

Can't play the hand you were dealt like the grass is greener tryna be somebody else?
You're stuck as yourself

you'll die lonely I promise drown in a sea full of lies or live a life where to be real is to be honest

Tell me... Tell me...

Yes,
the days fly by really fast,

especially when looking back.

Defining the meaning of the current moment,
seems to be a definition philosophers have been arguing over for a while.

Arguing seems like a dramatic assumption,
but what's life without a little exaggerated drama?

Moments define us,
words can hold so much weight,
since we have nothing else left as artillery,
in such a domesticated world
that we live in.


World, meaning just the world I live in.

Western World,

far away from war,

Which currently is happening at all levels.
Like it always has been.

has-been.
or a never was.

You choose which lesser value you want to hold.

I weigh myself down, only to fight through all the conflict that stands in front of me.

There has to be conflict,
we have to overcome adversity.

When I am a parent,
I will fabricate it.

Experiences teach,
words are harder to grasp
when emotions seem to drive the spirit.

People lack spirit,
whatever one might think "spirit" means.

Individualism is something I will always hold on too.

I mean, shit...

What else do we have?


And I am not the one to say, Just worry about yourself in this lonely world, because that is a sad sad life...


Place your trust in others,
understanding and accepting that it can be broken.

But it's the chance that you gave,
that gives us a shot,
at what we want.


regrets regrets...

i have none.

And I want to say that on my death bed.

Death motivates me,
since my actions will forever echo,
as long as eternity lets it.


So why not cannon ball into every scenario?

I sure wish I could follow my own advice,
Believe me,
I really do try.


To be this self-proclaimed figure,
who can capture the image
who can live the dream
that I fantasize for me
and
only me...

I'll take my reality over yours,
I have a good heart.

I don't need your negativity to be another pathetic attempt
trying to make me doubt myself.

When it is not even your intention to make me doubt myself,
that's just the reaction to our chemical balance trying to draw a conclusion.

Leaving you more confused than I.

Since I see where it is heading,
and you can only grasp as much as you can control.

Obsessive behavior,
in order to prove you do understand,
more than the average.

Excuse me but I'm bored.


I have a goal,
I am past refusing to adapt in a smaller world,
therefore I have learned to always adapt to every situation.

I have learned to respect smaller worlds that I just could not recognize.

Because they consist of people,
the same people I want to bring joy too.

The same people I want to make laugh and smile.

So the self centered attitude, doesn't really make sense,
when I need your attention in order to succeed,
yet it is not your opinion I need.

Just a quick wave in your short term mind,
for me to feel a confidence boost,
to help me get by.

I tried to sell my soul to the devil,
but for some reason,
even the devil seemed too preoccupied in worrying about whether or not people thought he was cool.

He tried to act like he cared about me,
but I saw right through the act.

Turns out,
no one has the time
to give people what they ask for.

We live in a world where we have to figure out how to take what we want?


How do we do that?

First let's be honest with our desire.

What is it that we want?
Then,
let's apply some logic and reason behind our desires.
A little girl wants ice cream just because mommy said she cannot have any.

So how much energy will this little girl waste trying to get ice cream?

Cry?
throw a fit?
Pout for a while?

over what?

Seems basic, yet

in all reality,
how often do we ask ourself,

"why do I need, or want this?"

Yes,
need and want are two different things,

and I could bullshit for hours about my self-praised "opinion" trying to differentiate the two.


back to the topic.

How to obtain what our hearts desire.


Combination of giving it your all

so the day does not come
where you look back
and regret,
your effort.

And the ability to let it be......
letting
what you desire
have its own free movement


Seems like two opposite ends
North and south.

All we can do is help ourselves grow,

I don't feel love when only I dream of it.

How can I possibly learn to go after and capture my dreams
with full effort,
and at the same time....
letting the universe
just flow in its own unpredictable way?

We have such strong issues with not knowing what is next.

Agree with me,
when I say,

that humans have learned to get away with being obsessive
calling it "just trying to understand"

Accept the unknown

but you can't

That's okay,
because we are the same person
that one day
Will Die...

Just a momentary existence,

without any previous memory,

and scared of what's next.

Fear can paralyze.
but I like the adrenaline rush

of just walking up to you.

And telling you how I feel.

your reaction validates my previous thoughts,
regardless of the words you speak.

because trust me,
your body says it all.

Dare to stand,
only because no one else has the will power,

just to prove you can.

To the world
or yourself.

What is the difference really?

We are the World,
because if it's not us?

Then tell me,
you smart fuck.

Who is it then?

*Insert Cliche Joke Here*

Fuck you

you inconsiderate penis,


only thinking of yourself,

especially at the times
when you choose to be so Hard Headed

Do you get it?

Stupid.

Idiot.

Fak!
You!


Sloooowly!

Faster! Faster!

Ohhhhhhhh..........

This Ginnnnn


I'm on my first cup,
still confused by the feeling.

As if I am a light weight,

or realizing how a natural Buzzzzzzzzzzz..... feels like



Slippery when wet,

That's what she said,

Fuck'n funny till It's dead.

Regret?

What? (continue) Instead.

Malfunction.

Male_Function

Males function with predictable behavior,





Stop ruining Game of Thrones for me!
I understand you're not really telling me everything


Maybe I'm just upset because you know how to talk about something without ruining it.

Because usually when someone tries to narrate something without giving something big away,
with me,
they always fail.

Because I can figure it out.




With you,
I don't know.



Oh how fast it became more metaphorical, accidentally.

Practice the finest rhythms on dummies.

Excessive thoughts encourage and welcome lonely days.

Stupid. I don't think about what I immediately write.
Don't you know by now that I just write as I think.

I don't even speak out loud as I type.

When I reread my words,
while hearing my voice,

It's as if a stranger wrote this.

Making me believe that these words,
are the voice
That I aspire to be

or wish I was.

But this is me, is me

Perhaps I just try to construct
such phrases
which I know might make the reader think
something highly of me.

I've been reading dostoevsky

He really is brilliant.


I saw what I felt,
in his words.

Not really in a sense where I have felt what he said
rather
his words making me understand how to express what I have thought

At times he expresses certain emotions which show me how to word what I feel.

it's crazy.

It's Brilliant.


I'm a wannabe.


Lol naaaaw.

We are us, no matter what we do.


I strive to be myself.



My father called me today.

He has no idea who i am

And I'm losing sight of whatever image I had of a Father Figure


I'm not sad!

Lol just lonely. Which makes  me want to make myself appear sad,
for attention..


Come on, you should know me by now..


I found a place to live next year.

it's gonna be AMAZING!

regardless of how terrible things might turn out to be.

Two brothers.

Lol they have no idea what they're about to be hit with.

In the best sense!


Be nice Hassib.


Lol she got me waiting.



When I smoke blunts
i want them to never end!


I get happy when I roll them up

and I get sad when there's still like 90 percent left.

Share With Me Your Life

It's always tough to start
regardless of what it is

why does it feel so difficult
to act,
without constantly trying to explore your own subconscious mind,
in regards to figuring out
why it is we do the things we do.

I mean sure,
we want to question everything,
ask why.

Even to the extent of asking why we ask why....

But man, I'll tell you

At some point you have to wonder

or at least weigh out the benefits of asking questions that ultimately make you walk in circles.

Thought is great,
yet everything is healthy given its balance

I guess I should be satisfied with what I know I am capable of,


What else do I need to know?

When it's crunch time
I know I can carry my weight,

I also knew to keep my blade sharp.

Some sharper than others.

But that is mainly said

due to my inactivity

in the area of athletics.

I promise I will work out tomorrow.

Right when I get back from My,
hopefully last interview.


Time in and time out,

I always end up listening,
not that I need someone to listen to me.


Who am I kidding,
everyone wants someone to listen to them,

yet so many settle for someone's silent presence opposed to
an ear that is connected to a conscious mind.

I swear it's hard for my mind not to drift,

Paying full attention is so needy.

Makes me feel as if walls are closing in.

Speak blunt why don't you?

How can you care so little of what people think
yet your whole complex is how it all weighs you down
but this only contradicts everything
That we build our foundation with?

oops..



Perhaps..Perhaps

There will be the day,

Speak of it so surely.

Cockiness really is an act

which is always bought by the ones who believe it the most

Such a softy

I enjoy feeling like a loose cannon.

Especially when it seems at times that I am the only one who sees it that way

makes me feel like I have a strange sense of child-like privacy

The world in our head is the voice that we answered to

I guess some still do?

Is it called weakness?

I forget,

Ahhh so carried away,

Sometimes I get when I see glimpses of myself buying into the reality that I am setting for myself.

Such a struggle to plea out for help
only when left alone

and we stray off just far enough

Where only you know
that if you beg and scream for help


with the most of your ability

No one can hear you

It's not complaining that you're alone

It's knowing that you are as far away as you want to be



I have lost meaning of what it feels like to have a home

wouldn't be the worlds first collision of innocence and the realities of existence

I wear my life experiences with pride
Because fuck the person that makes me feel the need to hide

But yet its the thoughts in my head that make me such way.
What does the other have to do with what gets constructed by my imagination?

Blame goes so many ways,
endless if you let it

It will never run away on its own,
You have to hand in hand walk your excuses around
to wherever they need you to take them


or you can own up,
and stop leaning


we all lean on each other in our own ways,

If the world is
where we do exist
than by all means

don't mind me trying to get super comfy

Reach far back into my roots
Trying to seek for that comfort of knowing
eternal was real



Yet time ticks louder

seconds run faster

Moments become as real as the most vivid dreams
Knowing the two apart
but wondering what the difference
really is?

IF this is not all but what we want it to be?

Our dreams are as real as we let our actions make them.


If I always knew what would  happen tomorrow,
then I would lose all sense of motivation.



Keep me surprised,

Share with me your life.

Better

Lacking of certain things

seems ridiculous,
you would think

but its never

what you may Have

at one point

Blindly and Hopefully Believed

There is nothing wrong with being hopeful I suppose
Yet one might think not to indulge in blindly believing

Always know the odds,

as if you shouldn't
without the fact.


Factoring risk into decisions

As if its the right thing to do,

The older you get.

Shouldn't call it fear.


Just maturing and calculating the risk.


Coward?

Yet the awareness lacks,

even on my behalf.

I bite my tongue


No nuts I guess

In some parts

Yet this was just the transitional phase needed to pave the road
I suppose





Clearly,
not really
Weary?
I'm barely
thinking of the future
Only thinking of my desires
Currently
and what is expected of me

Me and only me

All to myself

The song we have been singing for so long,

became played out eventually to my own likings?

Question every letter at moments

To feel it all release at a particular time,
The answers are already written,

Why is he speaking
and why should I listen?

Slipping through quicksand slowly
just to  fall into a pot of gold

waiting on the other side.

I guess that would be my heaven


What do you want from me?



Answer me,
with the body Language that for some reason I get confused by?


Wish I knew myself WHy,

So I'd rather think when I'm bored and live with my sword?

That is a Game of Thrones influence.

What an evening,

of fill in my own blank.


Isn't that me by myself
 just doing anything?

The difference is nothing really?

why choose the heavier of the two?

in that case

choose you.


Preachy,
makes me cringe,
coming off all Above,
the other
keeping him and his friend
down
So we can develop issues that
"You just can't Understand"

Complicated it seems


Whatever,

indulge in the pleasure,
of giving pleasure.


Really you must agree

There Is Nothing Better

March first

easy does it


What a direction

I find myself just wondering,

where did I end up?

I draw a blank
isn't that impossible?

Just figure out how to word it
perhaps that might help.

Memories,
feel better

Yet my feelings grow thin,
how is it that certain sounds

Just do not have their same effect anymore?
Has the hour grown cold already?

WHere is my new feel?

I feel like I'm slipping and I cannot seem to catch myself
Yet I have the slightest control

in regards to the interactions
I have
with the people
I accidentally
encounter

Sleep,
sometimes I wish I could for an eternity,
then wake up continue.

Life is so serious.
to the idiots it seems,

Yet I feel like the real idiot at times,
but I do enjoy laughing at all this

that I write,
with intent for you to carry a trait
that you found in me
with you

An advantage,
allowing for things to happen,

not resisting
yet absorbing

fusing powers,
listening to detail

taking pride over every second

Heavy head
or just attached to my magnetic bed?

I need to rest
But I try to impress

The empty audience

I want my Grand Act

I want my spectacle

I find myself thinking out loud
never really.

I search for my inner voice,
it seems i can only hear it
when I talk to it.

lolzz


Man,
I do not enjoy so much of a lot of the things that are going on right now.

I wish I could explain why,

but it's just that I do not really want to think about it.
I know what it is,

I could guess,
but I do not.

I guess the guilt weighs heavy
eventually

How is it that I can just
live
knowing that I cause pain
to those
that I
consider close
for choosing my way

Goodness, time moves yet the pace frightens when we choose to keep the pace with reality.

It requires something from us everyday.


Days pass forward
quick
with the feel of a drunken glow
that mushes it all together.

Yet it's not consumption that has made itself my crutch,
I immediately argue with myself as I say this.


I need to detox,

Chaos controls destiny

so really,
do you have what it takes to take charge over yourself?


big words are never heard.

meaningless becomes that which is repetitive,
only with desperate attempts.

Strive for perfection,
only to realize flaws.

Perfection is reality

either that
or inexistent


Yet we find our own personal perfect.

We have the power to visualize our dreams.


We live our dreams by simply doing what it takes.

yet cliche sayings
quotes amongst quotes

No one understands.



So universal,
yet so individual.

I can't understand so much.

So let it be,

and learn to be.

Do not hold on to anything

spread the hand and feel the wind in between the fingers

Freshness,
Listen to wonderful thoughts

run for happiness
away from misery
hoping to find the answer
only to find another piece to the puzzle
that you ran away from,

What to do now......




Lord help me find the answer,


lolz.







deeeeeeep breath man.


I'm going to bed.


I love my niggas

You're CRAZY bro

I have so much to say
scream it
shout it,


No need I guess.

Because,

if i can be honest,

hoping and wishing I am,


I'm lost for words


So what good

Shall come out of

Me screaming

In anger
with empty words?


Just another angry person perhaps.


And I'd wink at you

Hoping you understood,


But of course you did,

Smug is me for thinking,

I made you see something
You have not yet before.

So
smug am I
to you
because
I did not
let you think of it

First?

I don't know man,
don't ask me.


When I hear problems
that I have come to realize

Are simple enough to be solved by one person


Should be solved by one person


I mean how much hope

Is there in a person

who cannot understand

Simple concepts
on their own

But I mean,






There are years left to grow
Some make quick assumptions,

just based one watching where certain branches have strayed


Forgetting to look at the Tree itself.


Right?

Or am I reaching in the air

with my heart holding onto a handful of hope?

But what do I know?

I smile

wanting to ask the same question back.

But I stay quiet.


Not really,

Because my silence and body language itself
should already say enough.



I mean

It does for all you guys

So why can't you easily read me,


The way I just

feel like

I Can so

easily do

to each

and everyone of you.




Calm down
Calm down




I have to tell myself
but trust me I know.
So what is the point?




Don't ask stupid questions.


Today I met Brian from Backstreet Boys.


I talked to him and his wife.

I was very


observant



wanting to see what kind of person he was





He Spent the whole time with his wife,
if not her
his son



Happy family


Usually I see rich older husbands on the phone

With sexy young wives maliciously plotting their next sex adventures in their mind

OMGGGGGG!

My earliest childhood memories consist of some Backstreet Boys


He was my brothers favorite




Quick rant
Quick

Rants.




I guess.



Bull shit




just

finds ways to pile up


only if


you let it.


but shhhhhhhh



that's the big secret.


Can you believe it

before you can handle it.




Probably not.




I'm so much cooler than you.




Serious bro.





How much do you even lift bro

My stand-up starts in 2 days,



excited,

I don't even know.



This


to me

Could be my biggest step


(my first step)


That's why.


And I'm like whaaaaaaaaa?


not even steven thinking about it.




Laughter,
fills the rooms
in my head
followed by silence
met by doom



Shit.


I wanna

not  talk about sad stuff.


let it pile up I guess for another day.








Part of Happiness

is knowing how to be crazy