What breaks him?

Was it loss?
Who did he lose?
was it a best friend? Was it a lover? A parent?
Did it happen when he was young? And why is it that it made him do the things he did?

Why could he not deal with it? What makes his situation worse than the others?

What makes you believe in a slight way that his actions are justified by  his past opposed to saying he is hiding behind his past using it as an excuse.

What makes you believe in him?

Could a bad heart Break make a man lose his faith in everything?
What is his motive for such acts which make sense in a rational sense, but morally it is completely wrong.

What makes a human commit acts where even the loved ones can't look into the eyes of their lovers.

Perhaps its that right there.

The act of protecting to such an aggressive extent where the one protected cannot even recognize the person, and only sees a monster that was created by the environment.

Is that a good enough reason?

Well what is it?
What situation can be constructed where if you do not protect you lose what you cherish and love the most,
but if you do protect, what you love and cherish the most abandons you, because of what you had to do just to protect what you love.

That sounds like something I can work with.


But what is the act.

It has to be something that is not personal.

Well not JUST personal. something that has a meaning that many can relate and many would do the same.

Murder? Perhaps? Where one believes murder is the only way, to protect, but the other just doesn't accept murder to be something that is a viable option.

At what point do you fight for survival?
At the cost of a clear conscious?
Or would you give that up, and become numb at night when you sleep?

What line do you draw for yourself, and what line do you draw for the person that you love the most.

You would go further into darkness to save the one you love, than you would for yourself?



What breaks him?


I need to knooooow!

Whatever, You know what the problem is.

When the pain becomes numb, I guess thats when you'll miss the pain.
Yet I still don't understand, why go through all that, just to give yourself an excuse to hop out and not go through with it.

I'm not there yet either, but I'm aware which direction we are walking towards. And the thing is, we are walking that direction together, our destinations are the same.

Does that mean you don't want me to mention it, just when we get there, we get there?

Retarded, all of it, Trying to figure out if its worth it. I wonder if it is. I need to be more productive.

Lets see how Long I can cut out smoking weed.

I want to feel high again,
I miss the feeling of being goofy and silly, seems like I just get too wrapped up in my own thought.

I think of reasons why people choose to do evil acts, and I can't come across any reasons other than the fact that they have lost hope in humanity.

Lost hope,
fully.

I guess that's not true,
I'm realizing now while I am writing.

There is a concept that people who have a wider sense of vocabulary are generally smarter than people who don't.

I guess that's true, however slang should not be looked at as uneducated.

saying that completely overlooks all the intelligent aspects of slang.

It's a sophisticated way of speaking, where combined words have an alternate meaning, its coding it.

People can never understand slang who think too literal.

To me its a good measurement of someone's common sense.

But shit, I'm running out of God Damn patience,

I'll wait forever, it's okay I dont Give a shit.

But If I fall on my face one more time.

I don't think I can take it.

FUck,

Please don't let that day come.

The only eyes, are yours and mine.

One day I'll be free,
at least I hope.

It's the same cycle. Just when you figured out that you have nothing figured out, you realize, nothing really.

Sometimes I want things to be correct, or at least the way I have it visioned in my thoughts. If it feels so right to me, how can't it not feel that right to you? It just comes down to just giving it a try without the feel of being forced into something.

But someone is always on the other end. Where there is gain, there has to be loss. what defines gain?

Simplicity can be so foolish, to the person who can't see things a certain way anymore.

I ruined it for myself, my favorite of all things, places, ideas, thoughts, dreams, whatever the fuck.

get what you can, and get it while it's there. I can't do it anymore,

It's unfortunate that I haven't even started. It makes no sense to apologize, when the apology is filled with judgment and pity. "I don't want your PiTy" is the biggest lie. At least when you tell me that. This isn't about you though, I guess the one that knows, just knows.

Reads, and smiles, or thinks, or questions. "Is it about me or not?"
How special one feels when coming across a random act, only to realize, it's all for you. It was always meant for you.

Kindly, so gently, you laugh and turn away and take off, only to be seen with an image which i have not yet become familiar too. Rejection is the worst relative, but yet we have to acknowledge it's existence. Sometimes I'd rather not. Let me be,

Let me be.
I know I'm falling, But this time I am going to believe my lie.
Oh you sweet terrible lie, the more you believe, the more i give, the less i worry, the more you question, the more i feel, the need to create this idea, this sick and twisted thought.

Don't believe it, please don't.
But you did, and I will hate myself, only for the moment.
Even this bad feeling is just tomorrows memory.

How long can it possibly haunt me for?
Stop being a bitch and get over it.
You should have known better, I did and I still went in diving head first.
You don't see me limping.
I don't need a crutch.
Fuck, how do we sleep at night.

With the company of my thoughts, I barely can rest.
With the company of my habits, I barely think.
Habits, how do we break them?
Just one day get up and say,
today is the day I guess.

Let's just do it tomorrow.
tonight, tonight, tonight

understand me please, but you can't.
No one can.
Except for you.
And you hold it over my head, and smile.
And so do I. Except we both smile for the same reason.

The moments where only you and I share a truth, that has been exposed to no other eyes,
other than yours and mine.

Every thought is meditated,
every action is calculated.

Even after death, I beg you to haunt me.
But we can't all have what we beg for.
So ask nicely, and hold your hand out, and be grateful to the rain,
its not everyday, the sky quenches your thirst.

Yet we look towards the sky when it hurts the most?
Not me, I'm done doing that shit, no one even responds.

I'm doing this, for me, and for me only.
THe curse of humanity, to be so fucking selfish.

It's either you or me?
I'll jump first so I don't have to see you die.
I care less what you want.
Or do I? And if I did? Why?

Ehhhhhh, not things that I want to share, never do,
I never do.

backspace, button I ignore but i have forgotten under certain occasion.

Juices stop flowing, No seriously, Just stop.

I can't help but to notice, that you have not noticed me at all.
How frightening is that.

Comfort

Looking for that day,
everyone is always looking forward to that one specific day.
I look forward to that night,

I have no idea what that night holds in store for me, but what I have learned is that nights have mystery attached to its sound.

You can't see peoples true color during the day, everyone hides under the shade of the sunlight.

But at night, the moon does not have the strength to hide our weakness.

Everything is dark,

end everyone's true colors are exposed.

Dark light is emitted,

some carry brighter to help carry the weaker,

But some people have a certain color that is contagious.

It infects the strong, and kills the weak,

Even the strong carry on, but with the infection at its peak.

Moments become clear,

Eyes meet, no word spoken,

Just thoughts being exchanged, by the look on her face.

Feedback is not needed, I know what she's thinking.

I can hear it.

No need for a touch, she seems overwhelmed, right now might be too much.

Tonight, tonight, my life changed forever.

If I could only have forever right now.

Ask me tomorrow, I'll remember, I promise you.

Stay with me, don't lose me.

Fuck where did you go? Did I lose you?

Walking through a crowd with so many faces, yet they stay the same.

They know what you're looking for, its like their paving the way.

Let it seep in through the eyes, and let Jealousy, ruin the night.

get the fuck off her, who told you to say anything?

how bout I flip this table, kick your face in and rip your fucking jaw of your face?

The FUCK YOU LOOKING AT?

You think you know crazy?

Ill Break the FUCKING ARM that Helps me

And hold on to the LEG keeping me down.

if it comes to it I say FUCK everybody, and fucking leave this town.

Whats the matter CANT YOU HEAR MY THOUGHTS!

Keep fueling me, you might make me show you a trick.

Keep pushing me, this rage I LOVE FEELING THAT SHIT.

Ill tie you down on a sinking ship and for your last words,

I'll laugh at it.

damn,

hold me, not back but slowly.

Tell me its okay, not that its going to be.

Fuck what the future holds, its okay if you're holding me.

but its not going to be easy, i'll have to pay a price.

To lose my insanity, cut the skin with a sharpened knife,

Count to three look away quickly rip off a slice!

Even in a losing battle, I'll still put up a fight.

never take defeat, without taken a life down with you.

Selfish me, just doesn't want me to be with you.

It wants me all to itself.

That alter Ego.

You talking to that guy, All I think "what the fuck does he know"

I think I know it all, I always have.

I also know that no one knows anything, that they didn't have.

And that's all there is to know about everything, isn't it?

Heart on my sleeve, give me a an outlet and let me spill it.

Squeeze till the last element has left my existence.

1 wish to come true, is number 2 on my wish List.

whats number one?

I guess only they would know.



If they did, It would ruin the surprise,

Shit I think about, falling asleep in my eyes.

Lies Lies Lies, until the truth dies, and the lie prevails.

I guess once a lie is accepted it becomes the truth,

Why not? I mean where is your proof?

What are you going to do?

You going to show us all how different and amazing you should be?

I tell my self that Lie everyday, till the day comes along where I accept,

That I'm always going to be a 'Could be'

If I could make you better at the cost of my everything,

Know that it's Done.

Your Potential exceeds mine,

If you cannot trust in that, then trust me and let me believe that.

The only faith I have is shattered,

But there is a little piece, that I find peace in.

With your name written across,

If it slips it will pierce, and shatter once inside.

I'm asking for a lot,

But don't worry, I can only ask for as long as I'm alive.

We all want to be Beg, But I never will.

And if you ever see me beg, Just know its my Last Dying wish.

So don't be so selfish, its okay to give.

But Fuck that, I don't want your sympathy.

If there is nothing, why can't you stay away from me.

Hide from me,

But you know I'll tear down the the Sky's just to see you smile,

So out of context,

I wish I could be okay, with today.

Tomorrow always brings excitement,

It offers unknown.

The Past offers Lies.

Right now offers moments

You pick what you want the most.

I guess My fate is already hung up in her room,

Hanging from the ceiling,

waiting to be picked.

And dropped and Lost,

When I die,

Don't ask for what cause.




I wish I could respond while I'm dead,

And smile and go back.

Hoping that you Read this

Like it's going to matter. Anyone that can make two people feel special at the same time is evil. or fucked up in a sense, or selfish, or the two are just amongst the many fools. It's different with me, I'm not like the rest, I know it, I just do. Looking around, not worried about competition. Crazy how everyone feels the same way. The one that gets what he wants will never be found in a waiting room.

I guess that goes to anyone of success or status. I Cannot imagine a wealthy person waiting in an emergency room. when you are dealing with bullshit paperwork at the courthouse downtown, waiting amongst other people for your number to be called, I would always look around and wonder, where are all the successful people? or rich people, whatever you classify as success.

off tangent, always awesome. Why do I write? the thought of the right person reading this? I expect 99% to think it is nonsense, but please do show me that 1% that understands my mumble. Sometime when i talk, some people are totally in tune with what I am saying, and sometimes there is a third party that looks at the person that I am talking to, and goes "are you understanding anything he is saying?"

Fuck that person,


Everyone thinks they are better than other people.
It's unfortunate, but what is more fucked up is accepting someone being better than you. He wouldn't have that status if you never took a knee and let him jump off your back. If two people are stuck and the only way to get out is for one person to help the other person out, however the one that helps has to stay and wait for him to get back.


Now which person are you? Or which person am I? would I convince the person to help me get out and then promise I will come back? Or will I find it within my goodness to help and wait, hoping the one I helped comes back.


Are you better at trusting people or are you better at coming through for people? Seems like the ones that can't trust people are the ones that come through for people. I'm not even sure how accurate that is. it sounds nice

Q+A=No Way

Days pass in a very unusual fashion. I try to make sense of the order of things, and every time I try to grasp the moment, just to get an understanding of it, I find myself losing even more sense of everything. I know I am awake, yet sometimes my dreams feel more real than my daily life.

In my dreams, I am not worried about how actual anything is, I just let everything be. I accept the environment, I don't question anything. Im not in my head, I'm in my dream.

I guess ultimately that is being in my head, but whatever. I find myself drifting, making me question if I'm trying? Have I gotten accustomed to my new ways? And me not feeling awake but knowing I am, is just a side-effect of my life habits?

Questions with no answers,
don't exist.

Questions where I don't know the answer,
plenty exist.

People say that there are questions that we do not or will never answer because our brain has a limit in 'logic'.

I just think if there is a limit in logic, we couldn't produce questions that require an answer past our logic. How can we think of a question that surpasses our logic?

That only means anything we can think of asking,
we can answer.

That makes me feel good.

I want to know what a lot and do a little. I guess that is just certain catalysts at work. I want change so bad, and everyday it is happening, just not the way I want to, I guess.

I know my frustrations are happening because of the man that created the mirror,

I know what I am, yet sometimes I am forced to see it. Which is good, but I guess I will feel better once I better myself.

Issues we all have, Just I like to think my issues are worse than yours, or you cannot understand my issues because you just can't.

I always  like to think that's how everyone views their problems, just because it is their problem.

I think, people that call other people selfish, most of the time are the selfish ones, they are just to delirious to see it.

It really is a sad sight.

Music sometimes does the job, sometimes it just doesn't do anything.

5 more miles till the road runs out.

Gay people can be just as annoying as the regular annoying person,
meaning gay has nothing to do with them being annoying.

They just happen to be annoying and gay.

Reversing logic is my favorite way to keep things in perspective.

Swim good

That song grew on me.

I want more money, but I don't want to work.

I want to work at something I enjoy.

Serving is ok, the working environment is terrible, no one laughs, makes jokes, too much negativity, people are too serious.

I hate environments like that

I am a hard worker, don't get me wrong,
however working hard doesn't mean lose the person that you are.

Where is the day where I change?

When is the Day where I change?

How is the day where I change?

Why?

who knows.

The squeak from the porch gate

Sitting,
quiet,
or quietly, it really doesn't make a difference, I guess it's more both. There aren't any expectations, just sitting doing whatever it is that is keeping me occupied. More so I'm being done by what I want. Occupied in my own space, then suddenly,

Who is this intruder?
What do they want,
what did I forget?
What did I do?

Who the FUCK is it?
Why don't I know who is coming?
Why wouldn't they tell me?
Are they trying to Catch me in the act?
What Act?
What am I doing?
What are they trying to find which their minds disable them to ask?

I quickly rush up the stairs,
Slowly and gently lift the blinds,
Man it's bright out,

Why is she here?
She cannot see me like this,
She just wont understand.

Can I ignore her?
No I can't do that, No fucking way.
Fuck, what do I do?

Just sit till it goes away,
Its painful I know, but sit, ignore,

Be a coward,
Good job,
you're doing a great job at being a coward.
Just sit there, and don't face your problems.
It's not even a big problem, regardless,
Just keep doing that.






Sitting, standing, walking, listening to music, maybe cleaning,
I turn down the volume in case someone is coming, or already arrived.
Man it's been a long day, I'm in need for some good company, I need the Laugh, It's my fix.

Cleaning dishes, or picking shit up from my round table, Just about trying to do anything to make it seem like I am doing something. Why?
Shit I wish i knew why. I might be the only person that does shit, to make it seem like I am doing shit, aware of the fact that I am behaving in such fashion.

Are you more guilty of the sins that you commit, the more aware you are of the sin you are committing? Am I the only one that acts like I don't know what I am doing just to get away with doing it? Because if word gets out that you are "aware" of the sins that you commit, for some reason, their magnitude is increased. THe punishment comes without the hope of mercy.

THen company finally arrives, perfect timing, in the midst of me doing laundry. Perfect. Now I Hear the porch gate closing, and the door bell ringing, followed by obnoxious knocks on the door.

Now I could have just opened the door, before he even rang the door bell. But it doesn't work like that. Let him wait, not to be a douche, but to make it seem I am doing something.

God forbid people to know that I spend my time not doing shit, and wasting, or not using, my time.

Not using sounds better, waste is such an ugly word.

Open the door, talk shit, whats up,
come in, same routine,
bullshit, laugh, stay quite, go to the kitchen,
find something,
think of something,
Go outside, maybe, Play in the porch,
come back in, indulge in festivities,

We strayed away from orange mint for a while, but who are we kidding, that is the default formation.

I just wish we had better coals.





Fuck!? What was that? Oh shit, it's 8:30 A.M.
Lift the Blinds, Damn it, not again!
They didn't even leave me a note this time warning me!
That's Bullshit! Fuck, even if they did, what was I to do at that point?
Damn it, It's too fucking hot for this shit. Hearing the gate close behind him makes me want to jump out my window and kick him in the back of his neck.

Like that would do something. Oh well, I guess I'll set up the candles again. Not my first time at this fucking rodeo. I just wish it would be my last.

Lets see, the lighting looks pretty cool actually, But I just wish I could Charge my laptop, and have my X Box and Tv working. I really can care less about the lights.

FUck the Stove is an Electric stove. Cant light up the coals. I guess I'll just use the self light ones, man do they suck. Thank god for weed and staying optimistic, well I guess just be thankful for the first one, which vibes out optimism. This candle lit circle is kinda cool.

let's crack jokes about being broke as fuck, Being thrown to the bottom and still laughing it up.

That is what really matters right? Enjoying what you have regardless of what it is you have.

Sometimes I feel like I have nothing, is it crazy to say, I have found certain joys about not having anything.

How does that work?





Music bumpin, jumpin out the shower, I already know he is gonna take about an hour.
So I time it accordingly. Singing Rapping dancing, waiting and changing,
Just enjoying my own company. Take my time in front of the mirror, well more time than the average.
So the usual, 3 minutes max, today 5 minutes minimum. Slap the deodorant, put on a fun shirt, for fun times, do the hair,

Then The gate squeaks and its game time,
Alright alright, Gimme one sec, lemme just have a final check,
Okay, lookin fresh,
Wallet, Keys, phone,




Time passes, Gate squeaks thats me going home, maybe few homies came through, if so good for you, Ill make you a good bowl, no worries, Its  my home, make you feel like you at yours,

Want a glass of water? of course.

Sit talk, most of it is bullshit anyway, but we need eachother right now, as the night fades away.

They all go their separate paths, some stay.

But I finally put my head down, Once the LAst squeak from my porch gate has passed.