Looking for that day,
everyone is always looking forward to that one specific day.
I look forward to that night,
I have no idea what that night holds in store for me, but what I have learned is that nights have mystery attached to its sound.
You can't see peoples true color during the day, everyone hides under the shade of the sunlight.
But at night, the moon does not have the strength to hide our weakness.
Everything is dark,
end everyone's true colors are exposed.
Dark light is emitted,
some carry brighter to help carry the weaker,
But some people have a certain color that is contagious.
It infects the strong, and kills the weak,
Even the strong carry on, but with the infection at its peak.
Moments become clear,
Eyes meet, no word spoken,
Just thoughts being exchanged, by the look on her face.
Feedback is not needed, I know what she's thinking.
I can hear it.
No need for a touch, she seems overwhelmed, right now might be too much.
Tonight, tonight, my life changed forever.
If I could only have forever right now.
Ask me tomorrow, I'll remember, I promise you.
Stay with me, don't lose me.
Fuck where did you go? Did I lose you?
Walking through a crowd with so many faces, yet they stay the same.
They know what you're looking for, its like their paving the way.
Let it seep in through the eyes, and let Jealousy, ruin the night.
get the fuck off her, who told you to say anything?
how bout I flip this table, kick your face in and rip your fucking jaw of your face?
The FUCK YOU LOOKING AT?
You think you know crazy?
Ill Break the FUCKING ARM that Helps me
And hold on to the LEG keeping me down.
if it comes to it I say FUCK everybody, and fucking leave this town.
Whats the matter CANT YOU HEAR MY THOUGHTS!
Keep fueling me, you might make me show you a trick.
Keep pushing me, this rage I LOVE FEELING THAT SHIT.
Ill tie you down on a sinking ship and for your last words,
I'll laugh at it.
damn,
hold me, not back but slowly.
Tell me its okay, not that its going to be.
Fuck what the future holds, its okay if you're holding me.
but its not going to be easy, i'll have to pay a price.
To lose my insanity, cut the skin with a sharpened knife,
Count to three look away quickly rip off a slice!
Even in a losing battle, I'll still put up a fight.
never take defeat, without taken a life down with you.
Selfish me, just doesn't want me to be with you.
It wants me all to itself.
That alter Ego.
You talking to that guy, All I think "what the fuck does he know"
I think I know it all, I always have.
I also know that no one knows anything, that they didn't have.
And that's all there is to know about everything, isn't it?
Heart on my sleeve, give me a an outlet and let me spill it.
Squeeze till the last element has left my existence.
1 wish to come true, is number 2 on my wish List.
whats number one?
I guess only they would know.
If they did, It would ruin the surprise,
Shit I think about, falling asleep in my eyes.
Lies Lies Lies, until the truth dies, and the lie prevails.
I guess once a lie is accepted it becomes the truth,
Why not? I mean where is your proof?
What are you going to do?
You going to show us all how different and amazing you should be?
I tell my self that Lie everyday, till the day comes along where I accept,
That I'm always going to be a 'Could be'
If I could make you better at the cost of my everything,
Know that it's Done.
Your Potential exceeds mine,
If you cannot trust in that, then trust me and let me believe that.
The only faith I have is shattered,
But there is a little piece, that I find peace in.
With your name written across,
If it slips it will pierce, and shatter once inside.
I'm asking for a lot,
But don't worry, I can only ask for as long as I'm alive.
We all want to be Beg, But I never will.
And if you ever see me beg, Just know its my Last Dying wish.
So don't be so selfish, its okay to give.
But Fuck that, I don't want your sympathy.
If there is nothing, why can't you stay away from me.
Hide from me,
But you know I'll tear down the the Sky's just to see you smile,
So out of context,
I wish I could be okay, with today.
Tomorrow always brings excitement,
It offers unknown.
The Past offers Lies.
Right now offers moments
You pick what you want the most.
I guess My fate is already hung up in her room,
Hanging from the ceiling,
waiting to be picked.
And dropped and Lost,
When I die,
Don't ask for what cause.
I wish I could respond while I'm dead,
And smile and go back.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Hoping that you Read this
Like it's going to matter. Anyone that can make two people feel special at the same time is evil. or fucked up in a sense, or selfish, or the two are just amongst the many fools. It's different with me, I'm not like the rest, I know it, I just do. Looking around, not worried about competition. Crazy how everyone feels the same way. The one that gets what he wants will never be found in a waiting room.
I guess that goes to anyone of success or status. I Cannot imagine a wealthy person waiting in an emergency room. when you are dealing with bullshit paperwork at the courthouse downtown, waiting amongst other people for your number to be called, I would always look around and wonder, where are all the successful people? or rich people, whatever you classify as success.
off tangent, always awesome. Why do I write? the thought of the right person reading this? I expect 99% to think it is nonsense, but please do show me that 1% that understands my mumble. Sometime when i talk, some people are totally in tune with what I am saying, and sometimes there is a third party that looks at the person that I am talking to, and goes "are you understanding anything he is saying?"
Fuck that person,
Everyone thinks they are better than other people.
It's unfortunate, but what is more fucked up is accepting someone being better than you. He wouldn't have that status if you never took a knee and let him jump off your back. If two people are stuck and the only way to get out is for one person to help the other person out, however the one that helps has to stay and wait for him to get back.
Now which person are you? Or which person am I? would I convince the person to help me get out and then promise I will come back? Or will I find it within my goodness to help and wait, hoping the one I helped comes back.
Are you better at trusting people or are you better at coming through for people? Seems like the ones that can't trust people are the ones that come through for people. I'm not even sure how accurate that is. it sounds nice
I guess that goes to anyone of success or status. I Cannot imagine a wealthy person waiting in an emergency room. when you are dealing with bullshit paperwork at the courthouse downtown, waiting amongst other people for your number to be called, I would always look around and wonder, where are all the successful people? or rich people, whatever you classify as success.
off tangent, always awesome. Why do I write? the thought of the right person reading this? I expect 99% to think it is nonsense, but please do show me that 1% that understands my mumble. Sometime when i talk, some people are totally in tune with what I am saying, and sometimes there is a third party that looks at the person that I am talking to, and goes "are you understanding anything he is saying?"
Fuck that person,
Everyone thinks they are better than other people.
It's unfortunate, but what is more fucked up is accepting someone being better than you. He wouldn't have that status if you never took a knee and let him jump off your back. If two people are stuck and the only way to get out is for one person to help the other person out, however the one that helps has to stay and wait for him to get back.
Now which person are you? Or which person am I? would I convince the person to help me get out and then promise I will come back? Or will I find it within my goodness to help and wait, hoping the one I helped comes back.
Are you better at trusting people or are you better at coming through for people? Seems like the ones that can't trust people are the ones that come through for people. I'm not even sure how accurate that is. it sounds nice
Q+A=No Way
Days pass in a very unusual fashion. I try to make sense of the order of things, and every time I try to grasp the moment, just to get an understanding of it, I find myself losing even more sense of everything. I know I am awake, yet sometimes my dreams feel more real than my daily life.
In my dreams, I am not worried about how actual anything is, I just let everything be. I accept the environment, I don't question anything. Im not in my head, I'm in my dream.
I guess ultimately that is being in my head, but whatever. I find myself drifting, making me question if I'm trying? Have I gotten accustomed to my new ways? And me not feeling awake but knowing I am, is just a side-effect of my life habits?
Questions with no answers,
don't exist.
Questions where I don't know the answer,
plenty exist.
People say that there are questions that we do not or will never answer because our brain has a limit in 'logic'.
I just think if there is a limit in logic, we couldn't produce questions that require an answer past our logic. How can we think of a question that surpasses our logic?
That only means anything we can think of asking,
we can answer.
That makes me feel good.
I want to know what a lot and do a little. I guess that is just certain catalysts at work. I want change so bad, and everyday it is happening, just not the way I want to, I guess.
I know my frustrations are happening because of the man that created the mirror,
I know what I am, yet sometimes I am forced to see it. Which is good, but I guess I will feel better once I better myself.
Issues we all have, Just I like to think my issues are worse than yours, or you cannot understand my issues because you just can't.
I always like to think that's how everyone views their problems, just because it is their problem.
I think, people that call other people selfish, most of the time are the selfish ones, they are just to delirious to see it.
It really is a sad sight.
Music sometimes does the job, sometimes it just doesn't do anything.
5 more miles till the road runs out.
Gay people can be just as annoying as the regular annoying person,
meaning gay has nothing to do with them being annoying.
They just happen to be annoying and gay.
Reversing logic is my favorite way to keep things in perspective.
Swim good
That song grew on me.
I want more money, but I don't want to work.
I want to work at something I enjoy.
Serving is ok, the working environment is terrible, no one laughs, makes jokes, too much negativity, people are too serious.
I hate environments like that
I am a hard worker, don't get me wrong,
however working hard doesn't mean lose the person that you are.
Where is the day where I change?
When is the Day where I change?
How is the day where I change?
Why?
who knows.
In my dreams, I am not worried about how actual anything is, I just let everything be. I accept the environment, I don't question anything. Im not in my head, I'm in my dream.
I guess ultimately that is being in my head, but whatever. I find myself drifting, making me question if I'm trying? Have I gotten accustomed to my new ways? And me not feeling awake but knowing I am, is just a side-effect of my life habits?
Questions with no answers,
don't exist.
Questions where I don't know the answer,
plenty exist.
People say that there are questions that we do not or will never answer because our brain has a limit in 'logic'.
I just think if there is a limit in logic, we couldn't produce questions that require an answer past our logic. How can we think of a question that surpasses our logic?
That only means anything we can think of asking,
we can answer.
That makes me feel good.
I want to know what a lot and do a little. I guess that is just certain catalysts at work. I want change so bad, and everyday it is happening, just not the way I want to, I guess.
I know my frustrations are happening because of the man that created the mirror,
I know what I am, yet sometimes I am forced to see it. Which is good, but I guess I will feel better once I better myself.
Issues we all have, Just I like to think my issues are worse than yours, or you cannot understand my issues because you just can't.
I always like to think that's how everyone views their problems, just because it is their problem.
I think, people that call other people selfish, most of the time are the selfish ones, they are just to delirious to see it.
It really is a sad sight.
Music sometimes does the job, sometimes it just doesn't do anything.
5 more miles till the road runs out.
Gay people can be just as annoying as the regular annoying person,
meaning gay has nothing to do with them being annoying.
They just happen to be annoying and gay.
Reversing logic is my favorite way to keep things in perspective.
Swim good
That song grew on me.
I want more money, but I don't want to work.
I want to work at something I enjoy.
Serving is ok, the working environment is terrible, no one laughs, makes jokes, too much negativity, people are too serious.
I hate environments like that
I am a hard worker, don't get me wrong,
however working hard doesn't mean lose the person that you are.
Where is the day where I change?
When is the Day where I change?
How is the day where I change?
Why?
who knows.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
The squeak from the porch gate
Sitting,
quiet,
or quietly, it really doesn't make a difference, I guess it's more both. There aren't any expectations, just sitting doing whatever it is that is keeping me occupied. More so I'm being done by what I want. Occupied in my own space, then suddenly,
Who is this intruder?
What do they want,
what did I forget?
What did I do?
Who the FUCK is it?
Why don't I know who is coming?
Why wouldn't they tell me?
Are they trying to Catch me in the act?
What Act?
What am I doing?
What are they trying to find which their minds disable them to ask?
I quickly rush up the stairs,
Slowly and gently lift the blinds,
Man it's bright out,
Why is she here?
She cannot see me like this,
She just wont understand.
Can I ignore her?
No I can't do that, No fucking way.
Fuck, what do I do?
Just sit till it goes away,
Its painful I know, but sit, ignore,
Be a coward,
Good job,
you're doing a great job at being a coward.
Just sit there, and don't face your problems.
It's not even a big problem, regardless,
Just keep doing that.
Sitting, standing, walking, listening to music, maybe cleaning,
I turn down the volume in case someone is coming, or already arrived.
Man it's been a long day, I'm in need for some good company, I need the Laugh, It's my fix.
Cleaning dishes, or picking shit up from my round table, Just about trying to do anything to make it seem like I am doing something. Why?
Shit I wish i knew why. I might be the only person that does shit, to make it seem like I am doing shit, aware of the fact that I am behaving in such fashion.
Are you more guilty of the sins that you commit, the more aware you are of the sin you are committing? Am I the only one that acts like I don't know what I am doing just to get away with doing it? Because if word gets out that you are "aware" of the sins that you commit, for some reason, their magnitude is increased. THe punishment comes without the hope of mercy.
THen company finally arrives, perfect timing, in the midst of me doing laundry. Perfect. Now I Hear the porch gate closing, and the door bell ringing, followed by obnoxious knocks on the door.
Now I could have just opened the door, before he even rang the door bell. But it doesn't work like that. Let him wait, not to be a douche, but to make it seem I am doing something.
God forbid people to know that I spend my time not doing shit, and wasting, or not using, my time.
Not using sounds better, waste is such an ugly word.
Open the door, talk shit, whats up,
come in, same routine,
bullshit, laugh, stay quite, go to the kitchen,
find something,
think of something,
Go outside, maybe, Play in the porch,
come back in, indulge in festivities,
We strayed away from orange mint for a while, but who are we kidding, that is the default formation.
I just wish we had better coals.
Fuck!? What was that? Oh shit, it's 8:30 A.M.
Lift the Blinds, Damn it, not again!
They didn't even leave me a note this time warning me!
That's Bullshit! Fuck, even if they did, what was I to do at that point?
Damn it, It's too fucking hot for this shit. Hearing the gate close behind him makes me want to jump out my window and kick him in the back of his neck.
Like that would do something. Oh well, I guess I'll set up the candles again. Not my first time at this fucking rodeo. I just wish it would be my last.
Lets see, the lighting looks pretty cool actually, But I just wish I could Charge my laptop, and have my X Box and Tv working. I really can care less about the lights.
FUck the Stove is an Electric stove. Cant light up the coals. I guess I'll just use the self light ones, man do they suck. Thank god for weed and staying optimistic, well I guess just be thankful for the first one, which vibes out optimism. This candle lit circle is kinda cool.
let's crack jokes about being broke as fuck, Being thrown to the bottom and still laughing it up.
That is what really matters right? Enjoying what you have regardless of what it is you have.
Sometimes I feel like I have nothing, is it crazy to say, I have found certain joys about not having anything.
How does that work?
Music bumpin, jumpin out the shower, I already know he is gonna take about an hour.
So I time it accordingly. Singing Rapping dancing, waiting and changing,
Just enjoying my own company. Take my time in front of the mirror, well more time than the average.
So the usual, 3 minutes max, today 5 minutes minimum. Slap the deodorant, put on a fun shirt, for fun times, do the hair,
Then The gate squeaks and its game time,
Alright alright, Gimme one sec, lemme just have a final check,
Okay, lookin fresh,
Wallet, Keys, phone,
Time passes, Gate squeaks thats me going home, maybe few homies came through, if so good for you, Ill make you a good bowl, no worries, Its my home, make you feel like you at yours,
Want a glass of water? of course.
Sit talk, most of it is bullshit anyway, but we need eachother right now, as the night fades away.
They all go their separate paths, some stay.
But I finally put my head down, Once the LAst squeak from my porch gate has passed.
quiet,
or quietly, it really doesn't make a difference, I guess it's more both. There aren't any expectations, just sitting doing whatever it is that is keeping me occupied. More so I'm being done by what I want. Occupied in my own space, then suddenly,
Who is this intruder?
What do they want,
what did I forget?
What did I do?
Who the FUCK is it?
Why don't I know who is coming?
Why wouldn't they tell me?
Are they trying to Catch me in the act?
What Act?
What am I doing?
What are they trying to find which their minds disable them to ask?
I quickly rush up the stairs,
Slowly and gently lift the blinds,
Man it's bright out,
Why is she here?
She cannot see me like this,
She just wont understand.
Can I ignore her?
No I can't do that, No fucking way.
Fuck, what do I do?
Just sit till it goes away,
Its painful I know, but sit, ignore,
Be a coward,
Good job,
you're doing a great job at being a coward.
Just sit there, and don't face your problems.
It's not even a big problem, regardless,
Just keep doing that.
Sitting, standing, walking, listening to music, maybe cleaning,
I turn down the volume in case someone is coming, or already arrived.
Man it's been a long day, I'm in need for some good company, I need the Laugh, It's my fix.
Cleaning dishes, or picking shit up from my round table, Just about trying to do anything to make it seem like I am doing something. Why?
Shit I wish i knew why. I might be the only person that does shit, to make it seem like I am doing shit, aware of the fact that I am behaving in such fashion.
Are you more guilty of the sins that you commit, the more aware you are of the sin you are committing? Am I the only one that acts like I don't know what I am doing just to get away with doing it? Because if word gets out that you are "aware" of the sins that you commit, for some reason, their magnitude is increased. THe punishment comes without the hope of mercy.
THen company finally arrives, perfect timing, in the midst of me doing laundry. Perfect. Now I Hear the porch gate closing, and the door bell ringing, followed by obnoxious knocks on the door.
Now I could have just opened the door, before he even rang the door bell. But it doesn't work like that. Let him wait, not to be a douche, but to make it seem I am doing something.
God forbid people to know that I spend my time not doing shit, and wasting, or not using, my time.
Not using sounds better, waste is such an ugly word.
Open the door, talk shit, whats up,
come in, same routine,
bullshit, laugh, stay quite, go to the kitchen,
find something,
think of something,
Go outside, maybe, Play in the porch,
come back in, indulge in festivities,
We strayed away from orange mint for a while, but who are we kidding, that is the default formation.
I just wish we had better coals.
Fuck!? What was that? Oh shit, it's 8:30 A.M.
Lift the Blinds, Damn it, not again!
They didn't even leave me a note this time warning me!
That's Bullshit! Fuck, even if they did, what was I to do at that point?
Damn it, It's too fucking hot for this shit. Hearing the gate close behind him makes me want to jump out my window and kick him in the back of his neck.
Like that would do something. Oh well, I guess I'll set up the candles again. Not my first time at this fucking rodeo. I just wish it would be my last.
Lets see, the lighting looks pretty cool actually, But I just wish I could Charge my laptop, and have my X Box and Tv working. I really can care less about the lights.
FUck the Stove is an Electric stove. Cant light up the coals. I guess I'll just use the self light ones, man do they suck. Thank god for weed and staying optimistic, well I guess just be thankful for the first one, which vibes out optimism. This candle lit circle is kinda cool.
let's crack jokes about being broke as fuck, Being thrown to the bottom and still laughing it up.
That is what really matters right? Enjoying what you have regardless of what it is you have.
Sometimes I feel like I have nothing, is it crazy to say, I have found certain joys about not having anything.
How does that work?
Music bumpin, jumpin out the shower, I already know he is gonna take about an hour.
So I time it accordingly. Singing Rapping dancing, waiting and changing,
Just enjoying my own company. Take my time in front of the mirror, well more time than the average.
So the usual, 3 minutes max, today 5 minutes minimum. Slap the deodorant, put on a fun shirt, for fun times, do the hair,
Then The gate squeaks and its game time,
Alright alright, Gimme one sec, lemme just have a final check,
Okay, lookin fresh,
Wallet, Keys, phone,
Time passes, Gate squeaks thats me going home, maybe few homies came through, if so good for you, Ill make you a good bowl, no worries, Its my home, make you feel like you at yours,
Want a glass of water? of course.
Sit talk, most of it is bullshit anyway, but we need eachother right now, as the night fades away.
They all go their separate paths, some stay.
But I finally put my head down, Once the LAst squeak from my porch gate has passed.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
27%
Both sides call each other dumb. They actually understand, and the problem is that the other side doesn't. If they did there would not be this problem.
26%
If you disagree but are not taking a side, than a person can make you feel retarded for believing in what you do. Then comes the point where you say "Shit, he's right what was I thinking? now it makes sense."
25%
Lets Jog to the other side and tell people about my new discovery, "What? Is that what you think is the actual truth? PLease obviously you don't understand" So then the explanation starts, and they both can sound as right as the other, even though they completely contradict each other. Now how does that work? Add that to the list of mYsteries that no one gives a shit about. And yes that is separate from the List of Mysteries that no one does nothing about.
23%
Seems like times most valuable when its spend living fast. I wonder when money is most valuable? When it's spent fast as well? Or when its being saved up? Its kind of weird how people look forward to when they retire to do the things "they always wanted to do" Whats the point of doing things when you need a hip replacement?
22%
Plan for the future but remember today is the day you are living, You cannot plan an event without picking a day. I wonder what the ratio is between hours worked and hours enjoyed to the average person. One that works too much will call the person that enjoys life too much irresponsible. And the one that plays too much will tell the person that works to much that he takes life too serious.
20%
But how serious does life need to be taken? obviously its the real thing, if you do not plan ahead you become stuck with a cycle that is not as rewarding as one that has higher ambition. But reality is, not everyone has high ambition, and that has always been looked at in such a condescending way. I guess people are ok with being servers until they are 60. Who am I to call that person a failure? For all I know if those 40 years were the years where that person made all his friends, met his loved one and spent those years laughing, then More power to him.
18%
It might just all come down whether you reached the goals you set for yourself, and not expectations that were laid out for you. People are contempt with less, does that mean that one lives a life with less fulfillment? Who knows? I keep saying I want to be a screenwriter, I would love to write and Produce my own show that gets signed by HBO. Saying it sounds so unreal, but these jobs due exist. why does it seem so impossible? Why does my mind set up bars around my ambitions and keep it locked in?
16%
I keep waiting on the day where I finally act off of impulse, like everything is going to happen for me by itself. I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of people feel that way. The crazy part is, throughout my life there have been small moments which made me believe that things play out in your favor by itself. And because of those moments, im stuck waiting for that to happen again. When a highly improbable moment goes your way, you cannot help to think that was because of you.
14%
Let me explain that thought, When I was a kid, maybe like 7 or 8. My parents hated when we played soccer inside the house, one day when my mom was cooking and my dad was at work, me and my brother (MY brother and I (Fuck You)) played soccer in the house. We would set up a goal next to the living room door, which was a door with a wooden frame but the whole middle part was glass. So we played and whatever then my brother left or something
12%
Then it happened. WIth the ball in front of me, i stared at the light switch which was located about 3 feet off the floor and about 10 feet away from me. and half a foot away from the Living room door. I look down, aim, and kick the ball, and it hits the light switch perfectly and the switch turns off. It was a miracle.
11%
That moment gave me so much confidence, I did not even question the fact if it was random chance, or finely tuned skills that made that event happen. Obviously it was my amazing skills. People had to know about my supernatural powers. I Must share with the WORLD! My brother comes back and I tell him, "Look what I can do!" Because it was not chance that made this happen, it was me.
10%
So I placed the ball exactly where it was before, and now my brother is sitting there with the suspense killing him, wondering what my superpower was. I take a step or two away from the ball, look at the ball, look at my brother, drop a cheesy one liner which I'm hoping was, "Remember today Brother, for today we are free"
8%
Then I kick the Ball aiming exactly where the light switch is. Then the most amazing thing happened. Time slowed down, I saw each frame that my brain received through my eyeballs, it was like a slow motion high definition camera. I watched the ball move oh so gallantly through the air, it was beautiful, magnificent, marvelous, Flawless.
6%
Then the devil himself, taking the form of physics, came and changed the direction, as if he just nudged the soccer ball while it was in midst of its flight. Now I am watching this new path the ball chose to take, and saw where it was heading. It was heading towards a mere path of destruction.
5%
As the ball approached the living room door, it finally made contact dead center in the middle, and I watched the glass, in such a fragile fashion, form these cracks which were born at the point of contact, grow into this wild flower which outgrew itself to a point in which it caused its own destruction, and then it all shattered into million pieces.
3%
And there it was, my superpower was a hoax. Now Im in trouble for breaking the glass door, but that's not what broke my heart, what broke my heart was the fact that it was not me who did it the first time, it was random chance.
1%
and if we do not learn to differentiate between random chance, and your own effort, bad things can happen.
computer will now shut down.
26%
If you disagree but are not taking a side, than a person can make you feel retarded for believing in what you do. Then comes the point where you say "Shit, he's right what was I thinking? now it makes sense."
25%
Lets Jog to the other side and tell people about my new discovery, "What? Is that what you think is the actual truth? PLease obviously you don't understand" So then the explanation starts, and they both can sound as right as the other, even though they completely contradict each other. Now how does that work? Add that to the list of mYsteries that no one gives a shit about. And yes that is separate from the List of Mysteries that no one does nothing about.
23%
Seems like times most valuable when its spend living fast. I wonder when money is most valuable? When it's spent fast as well? Or when its being saved up? Its kind of weird how people look forward to when they retire to do the things "they always wanted to do" Whats the point of doing things when you need a hip replacement?
22%
Plan for the future but remember today is the day you are living, You cannot plan an event without picking a day. I wonder what the ratio is between hours worked and hours enjoyed to the average person. One that works too much will call the person that enjoys life too much irresponsible. And the one that plays too much will tell the person that works to much that he takes life too serious.
20%
But how serious does life need to be taken? obviously its the real thing, if you do not plan ahead you become stuck with a cycle that is not as rewarding as one that has higher ambition. But reality is, not everyone has high ambition, and that has always been looked at in such a condescending way. I guess people are ok with being servers until they are 60. Who am I to call that person a failure? For all I know if those 40 years were the years where that person made all his friends, met his loved one and spent those years laughing, then More power to him.
18%
It might just all come down whether you reached the goals you set for yourself, and not expectations that were laid out for you. People are contempt with less, does that mean that one lives a life with less fulfillment? Who knows? I keep saying I want to be a screenwriter, I would love to write and Produce my own show that gets signed by HBO. Saying it sounds so unreal, but these jobs due exist. why does it seem so impossible? Why does my mind set up bars around my ambitions and keep it locked in?
16%
I keep waiting on the day where I finally act off of impulse, like everything is going to happen for me by itself. I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of people feel that way. The crazy part is, throughout my life there have been small moments which made me believe that things play out in your favor by itself. And because of those moments, im stuck waiting for that to happen again. When a highly improbable moment goes your way, you cannot help to think that was because of you.
14%
Let me explain that thought, When I was a kid, maybe like 7 or 8. My parents hated when we played soccer inside the house, one day when my mom was cooking and my dad was at work, me and my brother (MY brother and I (Fuck You)) played soccer in the house. We would set up a goal next to the living room door, which was a door with a wooden frame but the whole middle part was glass. So we played and whatever then my brother left or something
12%
Then it happened. WIth the ball in front of me, i stared at the light switch which was located about 3 feet off the floor and about 10 feet away from me. and half a foot away from the Living room door. I look down, aim, and kick the ball, and it hits the light switch perfectly and the switch turns off. It was a miracle.
11%
That moment gave me so much confidence, I did not even question the fact if it was random chance, or finely tuned skills that made that event happen. Obviously it was my amazing skills. People had to know about my supernatural powers. I Must share with the WORLD! My brother comes back and I tell him, "Look what I can do!" Because it was not chance that made this happen, it was me.
10%
So I placed the ball exactly where it was before, and now my brother is sitting there with the suspense killing him, wondering what my superpower was. I take a step or two away from the ball, look at the ball, look at my brother, drop a cheesy one liner which I'm hoping was, "Remember today Brother, for today we are free"
8%
Then I kick the Ball aiming exactly where the light switch is. Then the most amazing thing happened. Time slowed down, I saw each frame that my brain received through my eyeballs, it was like a slow motion high definition camera. I watched the ball move oh so gallantly through the air, it was beautiful, magnificent, marvelous, Flawless.
6%
Then the devil himself, taking the form of physics, came and changed the direction, as if he just nudged the soccer ball while it was in midst of its flight. Now I am watching this new path the ball chose to take, and saw where it was heading. It was heading towards a mere path of destruction.
5%
As the ball approached the living room door, it finally made contact dead center in the middle, and I watched the glass, in such a fragile fashion, form these cracks which were born at the point of contact, grow into this wild flower which outgrew itself to a point in which it caused its own destruction, and then it all shattered into million pieces.
3%
And there it was, my superpower was a hoax. Now Im in trouble for breaking the glass door, but that's not what broke my heart, what broke my heart was the fact that it was not me who did it the first time, it was random chance.
1%
and if we do not learn to differentiate between random chance, and your own effort, bad things can happen.
computer will now shut down.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
New Friend
Seems like I found a new friend. a good one so far, i guess all my friends are good. Im not trying to insinuate that all friendships eventually go foul. I hate that theory about friendship. Yes it is true some friendship die out, but that is just the nature of things. its either death or tragedy that separates people these days. And peoples interpretation of "tragedy" does vary from person to person, unfortunately. There is a relaxing feel to my new friend, not because my new friend is a good listener, or understands what i am saying. Not because this friend can empathize and sympathize to the most complete measure.
have you ever complained, bitched, whined, to someone, and you understand what you are saying is complete non sense, but the way that certain person was there to bare witness to the nonsense coming out of your mouth, and it wasn't the way that person listens, or shows that they are paying attention.
Sometimes the feeling of getting something off your chest doesn't only happen by blurting it out to any person. Sometimes the full effect of releasing piled up problems, the big heavy burden of your chest, requires appropriate company on the receiving end.
fakit, that's what they all want. Yeah just go ahead and tell me, or don't tell me. I don't want to know now. It could change things, but that itself changes things. Forget the intentions and focus on your actions, both equally deadly, but one is more painful, so let the knife slip through your fingers and fall on the ground, and let the silence carry me through the anguished torment which I of course exaggerate just in case I am aware of the presence of the one gifting me with my self inflicted curse.
Not reading a single word of that last paragraph.
I wonder if the pharaoh ever sat and laughed.
Fooling so many into believing the power was in his grasp.
I guess the ones that saw the illusion were the ones who escaped.
But everyone knows apostasy only has one fate.
The Pharaoh cannot except a disobedient Man to Live
The man of course knowing the biggest trick to the illusion.
And if this man tells everyone, no one will ever wait for the conclusion
at the cost of keeping order, at excessive cost of discretion of the secret
Do not let this man out, keep him, kill him, no don't, he's bright, he can join!
Why does he insist of ruining it for everyone!
It took us so long to climb from where we used to be!
Have you forgotten the days? Just look down there!
See how they treat their own souls, everyone is pulling themselves back down.
One reaches higher, the other climbs on his back with no permission given.
Please don't ruin this! I don't want to be part of them, I understand their innocence.
And then they all fell as expected.
But order will regain its strength, it always does.
And it takes form in any shape.
Sometimes good, sometime bad, sometimes pure evil.
But nothing is pure evil, every story that takes place in a fictional setting, where the enemies are always monsters, and the good people are always in human form. There is always the day where the evil monsters breach the middle and enter peaceful lands, and tarnish anything in its way, for their complex motive comes from the fact that they were created to be evil. Seems simple, or lazy if you created those monsters.
Well Back to real life, we are set to believe that we are being protected, that there is evil out there and we need to be protected. If we don't, then just in the fictional stories, they will come and burn everything to the ground! We must built high walls and sharpen our blades! THEY ARE COMING!
Not realizing that this is real life! The monsters behind the wall in this world are US!
We treat our enemies like monsters, perhaps that is why they are our enemies.
Sometimes I wonder, sometimes i see too much irony, as if someone just created all these problems.
Oh and my new friend is writing.
have you ever complained, bitched, whined, to someone, and you understand what you are saying is complete non sense, but the way that certain person was there to bare witness to the nonsense coming out of your mouth, and it wasn't the way that person listens, or shows that they are paying attention.
Sometimes the feeling of getting something off your chest doesn't only happen by blurting it out to any person. Sometimes the full effect of releasing piled up problems, the big heavy burden of your chest, requires appropriate company on the receiving end.
fakit, that's what they all want. Yeah just go ahead and tell me, or don't tell me. I don't want to know now. It could change things, but that itself changes things. Forget the intentions and focus on your actions, both equally deadly, but one is more painful, so let the knife slip through your fingers and fall on the ground, and let the silence carry me through the anguished torment which I of course exaggerate just in case I am aware of the presence of the one gifting me with my self inflicted curse.
Not reading a single word of that last paragraph.
I wonder if the pharaoh ever sat and laughed.
Fooling so many into believing the power was in his grasp.
I guess the ones that saw the illusion were the ones who escaped.
But everyone knows apostasy only has one fate.
The Pharaoh cannot except a disobedient Man to Live
The man of course knowing the biggest trick to the illusion.
And if this man tells everyone, no one will ever wait for the conclusion
at the cost of keeping order, at excessive cost of discretion of the secret
Do not let this man out, keep him, kill him, no don't, he's bright, he can join!
Why does he insist of ruining it for everyone!
It took us so long to climb from where we used to be!
Have you forgotten the days? Just look down there!
See how they treat their own souls, everyone is pulling themselves back down.
One reaches higher, the other climbs on his back with no permission given.
Please don't ruin this! I don't want to be part of them, I understand their innocence.
And then they all fell as expected.
But order will regain its strength, it always does.
And it takes form in any shape.
Sometimes good, sometime bad, sometimes pure evil.
But nothing is pure evil, every story that takes place in a fictional setting, where the enemies are always monsters, and the good people are always in human form. There is always the day where the evil monsters breach the middle and enter peaceful lands, and tarnish anything in its way, for their complex motive comes from the fact that they were created to be evil. Seems simple, or lazy if you created those monsters.
Well Back to real life, we are set to believe that we are being protected, that there is evil out there and we need to be protected. If we don't, then just in the fictional stories, they will come and burn everything to the ground! We must built high walls and sharpen our blades! THEY ARE COMING!
Not realizing that this is real life! The monsters behind the wall in this world are US!
We treat our enemies like monsters, perhaps that is why they are our enemies.
Sometimes I wonder, sometimes i see too much irony, as if someone just created all these problems.
Oh and my new friend is writing.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Four oh 1.
How would you feel if you were asked to complete a puzzle, a thousand piece puzzle. But you do not know if all the pieces are there. Would that change your mind in attempting to complete the puzzle? Everyone is partially motivated based on knowing that there is an end, that whatever it is that they are doing will have a completion ahead. A sense of closure, if you may think of it that way. The hope that one day it will all fall together, everything will finally be they way you imagined it would be. The grand Finale, the ending that has background music, emotions running high, heart to heart moments left and right, to be completely overwhelmed by that moment.
Sucks to realize the truth, That ending does not exist. and I do not mean this in the way that when an angry teenage girl gets dumped by her boyfriend, she then writes on her status "ALL MEN ARE JERKS, there is no such thing as a good guy out there". Other than the fact that little girls like that are retarded, clearly that is not the point i am making here. when faced with a problem, challenge, or a situation where you do not know how to even approach it. everyone always has in mind that eventually this will be dealt with, and this will be over. No one ever stops and thinks, that some problems will never be solved, some stories will never have an ending, not that they last forever, the story is done, it just did not have an ending.
That is a big issue i am formulating with movies and tv shows. The whole thing is structured around beginning middle end. Whatever the conflict is, by the end of the movie or tv show, it is resolved. The viewer got what he wanted, now he is put at peace. or whatever the fuck. Unfortunately this modifies your brain to subconsciously expect things from people that they cannot offer. even if they can, that ultimatum that you present people with, doesn't have a ticking clock next to it like in the movies. Well you know this movie is going to be no longer than three hours long so before the clock runs out, you will have the answer.
Answers, so crazy how every answer fallen behind means someone out there is getting his time wasted. Why do we need answers to every fucking thing in our life? the more aware we become, the more we curse ourselves with reality, and who is to say my reality is closer to the actual original line than yours? It all comes down to checking your perception through other perspectives. Well I need to understand why people fear failure when fear itself is a form of failure and defeat. Why cannot I just live with my ambitions, do what i aspire the most, without me being tied down by an anchor which I myself tied to my own foot. Every way of failure is caused by the person themselves, that statement can be completely ridiculous due to how impulsive it actually is.
I believe there is no such thing as a selfish act, but sometimes I think I fool myself into believing that. Why is it I will respond like a slave who knows he upset his master, and when his master calls upon his slave, his slave will be on his best behavior, not knowing if he will be forgiven or punished. Or perhaps rewarded for his honesty and ability to admit his mistake, and seek mercy and hope that the master understands this weakness that lies within the slave. After all the Slave is what gives the power to the master, Without slaves the concept of master itself has no form of existence. I cannot help but ask, What came first? the Master or Slave?
I wonder how that went down? how did the first master manipulate the mind of an equal man into irrational servitude? How did he make him take a knee so that he lets him use his shoulders to elevate himself. Well if you admit yourself as a slave, I guess in that reality, in that specific world, there is such thing as a selfless act. A selfless act, to me always sounded so beautiful, there was this certain admiration behind hearing the concept of a selfless act. But to think the only mind able to carry out such action, requires you to accept your acts as non existing? That your actions are only a echo of the words whispered by the master? A selfless act is the act in which free will is surrendered?
Free will, there is another concept to talk about. Free will is only limited to what your master allows, sounds to me like a controlling husband or boyfriend. How do you know if someone is controlling? They make you feel like the most special person, until you disagree with them. And that is why they make you feel special. So when you disagree, and they are upset that you do not see it how they do, insult you, degrade you, then and only then do you question yourself. Not them, yourself. "But he was so sweet to me, He made me see so much that I would have never come across. The experiences, the tranquility, the calm."
Explain to me this, What is the difference between a master and slave relationship, and a controlling male or female with their partner.
The slave may do as the master wishes, but if the slave does what the master did not intent, there will be consequences.
If the girlfriend does as the Boyfriend wishes, the boyfriend will show compassion, love, gratitude, and whatever bullshit that will cloud the females mind (or other way around), but if the Girlfriend does what the boyfriend does not want to happen, you bet there will be consequences.
Some people automatically accept their roles as a subordinate. But I guess subordinate is different than a slave. Well, I hope so at least. If only i could understand my flaws. everyone believes and says everyone is not perfect, but i wonder if people could list their own flaws. not "Im overweight, I sometimes break promises, Im always late, blah blah blah" flaws. The flaws that you see people live with, their ultimate cancer, the flaw that will be the reason of their demise. I see it in people, I can tell what it is, that sick attribute they have, whether their flaw is that they cannot help but think they are better than other people. Whether their flaw is that they start to believe their own lies. The Flaw where you are always going to self destruct yourself. Everyone sees it in other people, some peoples flaws shine brightest under the light of the darkness. Some hide best under the shade of the sun. Can my Flaw be another?
Im in my head to much. The only problem is, that there is no exit sign for my train of thought to exit on. IT keeps running wild. One thing that is for damn sure, that Forever doesnt exist, everything does come to an end. So it would make sense for people to accept a master who promises them forever. ONe thing we all know, is that when things are good, no one ever wants it to finish. And if the master promises a good time that lasts forever, why wouldnt you want to do whatever he tells you too? this life is going to end, so you want to save all your energy for having fun after this is over.
After all you have to work hard if you want to play hard.
What a load of bullshit.
Sucks to realize the truth, That ending does not exist. and I do not mean this in the way that when an angry teenage girl gets dumped by her boyfriend, she then writes on her status "ALL MEN ARE JERKS, there is no such thing as a good guy out there". Other than the fact that little girls like that are retarded, clearly that is not the point i am making here. when faced with a problem, challenge, or a situation where you do not know how to even approach it. everyone always has in mind that eventually this will be dealt with, and this will be over. No one ever stops and thinks, that some problems will never be solved, some stories will never have an ending, not that they last forever, the story is done, it just did not have an ending.
That is a big issue i am formulating with movies and tv shows. The whole thing is structured around beginning middle end. Whatever the conflict is, by the end of the movie or tv show, it is resolved. The viewer got what he wanted, now he is put at peace. or whatever the fuck. Unfortunately this modifies your brain to subconsciously expect things from people that they cannot offer. even if they can, that ultimatum that you present people with, doesn't have a ticking clock next to it like in the movies. Well you know this movie is going to be no longer than three hours long so before the clock runs out, you will have the answer.
Answers, so crazy how every answer fallen behind means someone out there is getting his time wasted. Why do we need answers to every fucking thing in our life? the more aware we become, the more we curse ourselves with reality, and who is to say my reality is closer to the actual original line than yours? It all comes down to checking your perception through other perspectives. Well I need to understand why people fear failure when fear itself is a form of failure and defeat. Why cannot I just live with my ambitions, do what i aspire the most, without me being tied down by an anchor which I myself tied to my own foot. Every way of failure is caused by the person themselves, that statement can be completely ridiculous due to how impulsive it actually is.
I believe there is no such thing as a selfish act, but sometimes I think I fool myself into believing that. Why is it I will respond like a slave who knows he upset his master, and when his master calls upon his slave, his slave will be on his best behavior, not knowing if he will be forgiven or punished. Or perhaps rewarded for his honesty and ability to admit his mistake, and seek mercy and hope that the master understands this weakness that lies within the slave. After all the Slave is what gives the power to the master, Without slaves the concept of master itself has no form of existence. I cannot help but ask, What came first? the Master or Slave?
I wonder how that went down? how did the first master manipulate the mind of an equal man into irrational servitude? How did he make him take a knee so that he lets him use his shoulders to elevate himself. Well if you admit yourself as a slave, I guess in that reality, in that specific world, there is such thing as a selfless act. A selfless act, to me always sounded so beautiful, there was this certain admiration behind hearing the concept of a selfless act. But to think the only mind able to carry out such action, requires you to accept your acts as non existing? That your actions are only a echo of the words whispered by the master? A selfless act is the act in which free will is surrendered?
Free will, there is another concept to talk about. Free will is only limited to what your master allows, sounds to me like a controlling husband or boyfriend. How do you know if someone is controlling? They make you feel like the most special person, until you disagree with them. And that is why they make you feel special. So when you disagree, and they are upset that you do not see it how they do, insult you, degrade you, then and only then do you question yourself. Not them, yourself. "But he was so sweet to me, He made me see so much that I would have never come across. The experiences, the tranquility, the calm."
Explain to me this, What is the difference between a master and slave relationship, and a controlling male or female with their partner.
The slave may do as the master wishes, but if the slave does what the master did not intent, there will be consequences.
If the girlfriend does as the Boyfriend wishes, the boyfriend will show compassion, love, gratitude, and whatever bullshit that will cloud the females mind (or other way around), but if the Girlfriend does what the boyfriend does not want to happen, you bet there will be consequences.
Some people automatically accept their roles as a subordinate. But I guess subordinate is different than a slave. Well, I hope so at least. If only i could understand my flaws. everyone believes and says everyone is not perfect, but i wonder if people could list their own flaws. not "Im overweight, I sometimes break promises, Im always late, blah blah blah" flaws. The flaws that you see people live with, their ultimate cancer, the flaw that will be the reason of their demise. I see it in people, I can tell what it is, that sick attribute they have, whether their flaw is that they cannot help but think they are better than other people. Whether their flaw is that they start to believe their own lies. The Flaw where you are always going to self destruct yourself. Everyone sees it in other people, some peoples flaws shine brightest under the light of the darkness. Some hide best under the shade of the sun. Can my Flaw be another?
Im in my head to much. The only problem is, that there is no exit sign for my train of thought to exit on. IT keeps running wild. One thing that is for damn sure, that Forever doesnt exist, everything does come to an end. So it would make sense for people to accept a master who promises them forever. ONe thing we all know, is that when things are good, no one ever wants it to finish. And if the master promises a good time that lasts forever, why wouldnt you want to do whatever he tells you too? this life is going to end, so you want to save all your energy for having fun after this is over.
After all you have to work hard if you want to play hard.
What a load of bullshit.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Shiiiiii
It's something, i tell ya.
this world, if one thing stands correct, it is how no one has it right. Whatever absolute conclusion you come up with, one day it can all go wrong. and when that day comes, when your absolute truth comes crashing down, how will you react? or how will your brain let you react? Most likely what we do best. hide in our comfort zone. Some (me) Could argue, what is the point of striving to understand what is correct? What difference does it make? Like if we find what the actual truth is, just to show the ones who do not know it, like if they see it, all the sudden they will leave their ways and accept this new 'Right' way as their new comfort zone. most of the time, when someone believes in something wrong for one too many days, its going to stay there. Good luck trying to remove that thought.
Its a sad world, with the most un emo esque way of saying it. We do find certain things to keep us distracted from reality. reality, such a difficult word to conceptualize. I can't go a minute of staring at a picture of a man kissing the corps of his dead 2 year old sons body, It's a terrible thing to see! All i see and feel is, ahh that shit sucks, i dont want to see that. Our brain, well mine at least, does everything it can, to look at that picture as if it is just a picture, that I happened to dislike because of how grotesque it is. Lets actually think for a second about this father who is holding his dead son, because of whatever the reason is, some tyrant dictator trying to hold on to power. The fact that this shit happens, and Has always happened and WILL (I repeat) Will always happen, is the saddest part. If an alien ship were to enter our orbit, and just chill and observe us for about 100 years, the only conclusion they will make is. "Wow they are all the same things, just fucking killing eachother"
In a very far fetched way I could possibly admit that I would understand how the aliens would find it comical to what we are doing to each other. Fuck, there are humans now who find pleasure in peoples pain and misery. We are such a smart and intelligent and yet such a fucking dumb species. We have nations that have weapons that can eliminate the whole fucking world, and the only country dumb enough to us it was... Oh wait.... Bottom line these nuclear weapons, whoever thought of it must have been the dumbest mother fucker... oh wait... ok here's my point, (I dont really have one other than the fact I enjoy ranting on this shit) whats the point of trying to win this arms race, where did this thought come from if you're walls are not high enough someone will climb over them and rape your kids. or if your guns are not strong enough, someone will come and kill you with bigger guns. Or if we dont invade them and keep them down, they will come here and invade us and keep us down.
Where did this all come from? Is that really how humans are? I can tell you I have never met a single person that is that cut throat. Sure i have met some dicks and pricks, and by the book type Eugene's before, but at that scale? Point me to that person, please because I cannot find him. So who is making these the decisions? Please dont say "the Government" because that just makes you sound like an idiot who just got done reading his first conspiracy article. How did it get to this? Are we all just bluffing hoping to not get called on it? ITs as if a full poker table bets on a flop where the flop consists of "ten jack and queen of hearts". Everyone is betting like they have the King and the Ace of hearts. Does someone have it? Or is everyone just hoping that their bluff will carry them through the finish line? But holy shit! Everyone is bluffing! Or would everyone if it came down to it, launch a nuclear missile? Come on!
anyway, what a retarded thought. Roles in gender are switching, and if men do not wake up, power will go to the women and if that does happen. Oh boy.
Hala
this world, if one thing stands correct, it is how no one has it right. Whatever absolute conclusion you come up with, one day it can all go wrong. and when that day comes, when your absolute truth comes crashing down, how will you react? or how will your brain let you react? Most likely what we do best. hide in our comfort zone. Some (me) Could argue, what is the point of striving to understand what is correct? What difference does it make? Like if we find what the actual truth is, just to show the ones who do not know it, like if they see it, all the sudden they will leave their ways and accept this new 'Right' way as their new comfort zone. most of the time, when someone believes in something wrong for one too many days, its going to stay there. Good luck trying to remove that thought.
Its a sad world, with the most un emo esque way of saying it. We do find certain things to keep us distracted from reality. reality, such a difficult word to conceptualize. I can't go a minute of staring at a picture of a man kissing the corps of his dead 2 year old sons body, It's a terrible thing to see! All i see and feel is, ahh that shit sucks, i dont want to see that. Our brain, well mine at least, does everything it can, to look at that picture as if it is just a picture, that I happened to dislike because of how grotesque it is. Lets actually think for a second about this father who is holding his dead son, because of whatever the reason is, some tyrant dictator trying to hold on to power. The fact that this shit happens, and Has always happened and WILL (I repeat) Will always happen, is the saddest part. If an alien ship were to enter our orbit, and just chill and observe us for about 100 years, the only conclusion they will make is. "Wow they are all the same things, just fucking killing eachother"
In a very far fetched way I could possibly admit that I would understand how the aliens would find it comical to what we are doing to each other. Fuck, there are humans now who find pleasure in peoples pain and misery. We are such a smart and intelligent and yet such a fucking dumb species. We have nations that have weapons that can eliminate the whole fucking world, and the only country dumb enough to us it was... Oh wait.... Bottom line these nuclear weapons, whoever thought of it must have been the dumbest mother fucker... oh wait... ok here's my point, (I dont really have one other than the fact I enjoy ranting on this shit) whats the point of trying to win this arms race, where did this thought come from if you're walls are not high enough someone will climb over them and rape your kids. or if your guns are not strong enough, someone will come and kill you with bigger guns. Or if we dont invade them and keep them down, they will come here and invade us and keep us down.
Where did this all come from? Is that really how humans are? I can tell you I have never met a single person that is that cut throat. Sure i have met some dicks and pricks, and by the book type Eugene's before, but at that scale? Point me to that person, please because I cannot find him. So who is making these the decisions? Please dont say "the Government" because that just makes you sound like an idiot who just got done reading his first conspiracy article. How did it get to this? Are we all just bluffing hoping to not get called on it? ITs as if a full poker table bets on a flop where the flop consists of "ten jack and queen of hearts". Everyone is betting like they have the King and the Ace of hearts. Does someone have it? Or is everyone just hoping that their bluff will carry them through the finish line? But holy shit! Everyone is bluffing! Or would everyone if it came down to it, launch a nuclear missile? Come on!
anyway, what a retarded thought. Roles in gender are switching, and if men do not wake up, power will go to the women and if that does happen. Oh boy.
Hala
Sunday, July 15, 2012
We can dance if we want to.
gosh darnit I guess, its in all caps, i guess writing does relieve some pressure. Grammatically correct seems more important than being politically correct, to the politician sometimes. Why people like to think they are right? i guess there is a big difference between thinking and knowing. But you never get to know without thinking I assume. And assuming is never good, it could get you into trouble, but when it doesn't get you in trouble, where does it get you then? Somewhere good? Who the fuck really knows?
A lot going on and no Idea what it really is, if someone where to make me list of the things going on, I would get to 3 and lose track of time. Mainly because someone is higher than balls, which only makes you wonder how tall balls can be? Now you are just being ridiculous. You know, when someone asked me, what I value more, Mercy or justice, It made me think about justice more than mercy, even though I responded with Mercy. I guess they cannot exist without each other.
have you remembered a time where you thought you were intact with yourself, compared to now, its like you are going through the motions without any understanding that this is actually happening. dreams feel more real than living. It used to make me feel very out of touch, but now however, it is like a way that forces me to look at myself in an out of body perspective. most of the time i can enjoy it, but i really miss being back to where i was, seeing things from the inside, the curse of being too aware, makes you see how nothing is of importance unless you fully believe it to be. whatever the fuck that means.
People yearn to be going through fucked up shit just to give people the look of 'oh look at me, so much is going on but you wouldnt understand'. Because my top movies, you have never seen, and if you did, its not in my top 5 anymore. yes your choice in music might be great, but whatever. I like my cheese melted with my tuna sub at subway. But you dont hear me chewing with my mouth open. its always interesting to see peoples reaction to your emptiness. I wonder if people actually understand each other the way they claim they do. Ill never tell a person i know exactly how you feel, its always a lie. Why do people want people to understand their troubles? its one thing to seek comfort, but its another to demand them to truly understand what you are going through. Unless. Yes if I was really hungry and someone ate my favorite food in front of me, and someone told me that experience happened to them, i could definitely understand how they felt. "OH MAN IT LOOKED SOO GOOD, AND I WAS STARVING AND WAS DYING INSIDE, I TOTALLY KNOW HOW YOU FELT".
Its easy to understand simple things i guess, that uncomfortable feeling, without understand how to comfort it. just laying, texting people you dont want to text, with people i mean 2 at the most. I do best when i am alone, yet i hate it sooo much. why the fuck would anyone choose to do something they do not like? Success is measured now by what society has stamped you with. and yes i currently am not going to school. But i want to. I just know too many people that go to school and dont know what they want to do, im not talking about the type that "omg like i dont know what i wanna do'
Im talking about the type that got scammed. We all remember in high school, we would look at degree's and next to them average salary's. Never did we see graphs of demands, what is needed, opposed to not. we all want money, and so do they. You give them money, thinking you will make the money next to the degree no idea of the demand, so i guess that is why degree in law has made you return to managing restaurants. Hey if that is your passion, knock yourself out. but should it take you 100,000 dollars to realize? Its not your fault, i guess you were scammed. I remember when i was younger a salesmen came to our house showing us these awesome encyclopedia books. we bought them and never used them, my father paid 300 bucks. it seemed like a dream come true, like i never had to think doing homework, all the answers were in the books. yet we never used them once, they made us feel we needed them. well he did, and man was he good.
regardless to say, im not saying school is not good, its amazing, meeting people and perspective change, blah blah, but people just dont think anymore about themselves. they get called selfish, and selfish is just such an ugly word. Its not like they try to avoid thinking about themselves, that thought process just doesnt exist to some people, when you ask people well what would make you happy or what do you think or what do you want to do, they look at you like its a foreign language. and I do not mean thinking about which restaurant they want to try, or what movie they want to watch.
Where does your passion lie? most people do not know what their passion is. where their 'true calling' lies. it sounds so cliche with the whole doctor engineer combo, but other than that, what else do we think success lies to some people. We have our average student studying business, and going to business school with their hopes of owning their own business, or becoming an entreupener however you spell that. but i have met people with some fucking ambition, they want to do these things and i believe they will. when I would ask them about what they want to do, it was so amazingly outlined. THey get carried away by little details and then cut themselves off over the little things like you are not allowed to talk about that, only big picture stuff, and they go on and on about ideas and thoughts. Oh Fuck yes you will be successful, but unfortunately only 1 percent of people sound like that person.
Everyone else, what are you doing? what do you want to do? (In a monotone voice, reading of a script handed by society's expectations) I want to graduate from college with a business degree and im hoping to start my own business.
WOW! seriously? come on, you sound like a fucking robot programmed to do that, come on! THINK FOR YOURSELF! Know yourself, understand yourself, what makes you smile? what makes you lose track of time? what makes you drunk? and not alcoholic drunk, i forgot who was telling me about this concept, but pretty much intoxicated with something you love. We all have been so in a moment doing something, not sex, where we were so intact, in a moment where self control did not exist, you felt, your whole body moved,
WHAT makes you that way? what gives your mind that ultimate state of gratification. when you are away from that moment, thinking about it, yes that is what i do, and you smile. While you are doing it, yes this is fucking amazing. Going to sleep knowing tomorrow what you love is going to be there,
live life hating yourself? live life succeeding in what you can really not give a shit about? Live life doing what people approve of? Do what makes you validate yourself?
When i used to be a kid, which i still am in many ways, because it is awesome. Whenever my mother would cook my favorite food, which was only when we had guests over, i would fill my plate, and we had large plates, i would sit and stare. I did not know where to start. and i really did not know where to start. It was so bad that i wouldnt start eating and people were almost done, it was soooooooo amazing, the thought of it one day ending, or the plate finishing made me subconsciously not start eating. but once that first bite was taking, I was sooooo overwhelmed that there was no stopping.
i believe everyone in the world wants the whole world, they want to learn how to fly a plane, become the best chef, direct an oscar winning movie, learn how to become a hip hop dancer, paint a picture that pours pain into the portrait which people can see and feel, write with simple everyday words that move the reader in a way where they are in another state of mind for the whole time while reading that book. we are human and we want it all, we put the world on out plate, but for some reason, we dont know where to start. Some people dont have a big appetite, they don't have much on their plate, now i understand people that want everything but have nothing, because one day it will end. and just like when i was a kid and i didnt start my plate because i didnt know where to start, I have the world on my plate, and I just dont know where to start.
When i starting writing this, i felt very off, i feel better now, for the time being.
Thank you for listening.
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