It has been,
such a drastic act,
all for entertainment,
as I usually scream in an empty hall,
"ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?"
Madness is what has driven me,
into sanity's lap
only to realize,
The pain,
felt,
while the mind drowns,
in that which we choose,
such as her love,
or the taste of your
religion?
Warmth,
is felt,
as much as I can get,
from that cold
Heart
Never lets go,
It's really me holding on,
or is it really you?
I'm not sure anymore.
But I know it's us.
Ramble on you desperate fool!
Speak wisely,
only because the drink,
thickens so precisely,
Quicken
the rush
the blood sends its love,
From the heart,
Straight to the wound.
suffer just to feel,
goodness
your smile was my relief.
The loneliest view
it was for me
I feel so ,
alone,
Yet....
I wine complain,
Expect someone to understand,
my apple juice,
being the factor,
Imagine that above with parentheses
I can barely keep my head up.
Goodnight.
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Man Why i gotta Say it LiKe tHat
I want to figure out a way
where I can Just
write this
Oh So
Freely.
Yet it only sounds so
in my mind.
When I know
no one
but me is listening.
I Can never repeat those thoughts,
yet I wish i could record them.
If I had that power.
Unlimited ammunition will win any war.
I mean
have you opened your eyes lately,
and realized that it's not that bad.
Especially if your life is never in danger.
I mean,
certain parts of the world,
life is cheap.
I'm talking free ninety-9.
Say it with me.
I follow my heart,
which has been mislead by all that is dark
It whispers evil
way paST reason
Drag them down
Let them face their own treason
Knife against their throat
Answer
What is it that you believe in
In which kingdom of god does humanity not bleed in?
Suffer at the name
of the two brothers,
at least could have been
if not fallen
under the trap
of playing such childish games
Kids these days,
hide under their old Age
Mentally I mean,
they stay undisciplined
which has become a problem,
very common
amongst the common.
Small minded worlds,
stayed small
for the sake of who knows what the fuck
i mean
expect so much
from one
who claims
they enjoy
Dead ends?
SHould not have followed that one,
Goodness,
If I could only imagine the state of mind
that is required
in order to
understand my
imagination.
Because My imagination seems
As if all I see
are Possibilities
that I know
we can achieve
I doubt myself
when you do not believe me
Unfortunately
I do
rely
on you
I know
You cannot realize
THAT It is bizarre
for you
to not see
that small detail
But yet
my 20/20
might only see,
that which is in front of me.
we cannot see that which we are not looking at.
You foolish fuck,
i know it sounds so obvious.
Yet I say this
not with the intent to seem
Magnanimous.
After all we fuck, fight, and bite
like animals.
Reach down for what's deep
Tell me if it's still only us.
Trust when
I say
I don't give a fuck.
but if it still is,
Don't you ever think for a second i wasn't holding on.
Calm down Johnny.
I currently am listening to Kiss Land.
And yeah,
Adaptation is fire.
There are few other songs that,
You know.
I don't even know.
Shiiiiit.
I free write like a mother effer,
Heffer,
is what I call fat bitches.
when i am being derogatory in a comedic sense.
She never likes those jokes.
But I'm sure she really knows what I mean,
rather to think that I am being hurtful
with malicious intent.
That would make me a bad person,
and I would like to believe that I am not.
Lol,
Dummy
i feel
for feeling the need to explain,
myself.
So lonely,
i have felt,
yet I have become used to it.
in a sense where,
I have found
or am currently finding
The graceful sense of
Balance.
Yet there are things weighing me down.
There are moments where I need more than a get me up.
i need some,
who knows really.
listen
listen
I want to stop,
so maybe I should.
This nigga give a shout out to Ft. Lauderdale In Kiss Land.
Ain't that a Trip.
where I can Just
write this
Oh So
Freely.
Yet it only sounds so
in my mind.
When I know
no one
but me is listening.
I Can never repeat those thoughts,
yet I wish i could record them.
If I had that power.
Unlimited ammunition will win any war.
I mean
have you opened your eyes lately,
and realized that it's not that bad.
Especially if your life is never in danger.
I mean,
certain parts of the world,
life is cheap.
I'm talking free ninety-9.
Say it with me.
I follow my heart,
which has been mislead by all that is dark
It whispers evil
way paST reason
Drag them down
Let them face their own treason
Knife against their throat
Answer
What is it that you believe in
In which kingdom of god does humanity not bleed in?
Suffer at the name
of the two brothers,
at least could have been
if not fallen
under the trap
of playing such childish games
Kids these days,
hide under their old Age
Mentally I mean,
they stay undisciplined
which has become a problem,
very common
amongst the common.
Small minded worlds,
stayed small
for the sake of who knows what the fuck
i mean
expect so much
from one
who claims
they enjoy
Dead ends?
SHould not have followed that one,
Goodness,
If I could only imagine the state of mind
that is required
in order to
understand my
imagination.
Because My imagination seems
As if all I see
are Possibilities
that I know
we can achieve
I doubt myself
when you do not believe me
Unfortunately
I do
rely
on you
I know
You cannot realize
THAT It is bizarre
for you
to not see
that small detail
But yet
my 20/20
might only see,
that which is in front of me.
we cannot see that which we are not looking at.
You foolish fuck,
i know it sounds so obvious.
Yet I say this
not with the intent to seem
Magnanimous.
After all we fuck, fight, and bite
like animals.
Reach down for what's deep
Tell me if it's still only us.
Trust when
I say
I don't give a fuck.
but if it still is,
Don't you ever think for a second i wasn't holding on.
Calm down Johnny.
I currently am listening to Kiss Land.
And yeah,
Adaptation is fire.
There are few other songs that,
You know.
I don't even know.
Shiiiiit.
I free write like a mother effer,
Heffer,
is what I call fat bitches.
when i am being derogatory in a comedic sense.
She never likes those jokes.
But I'm sure she really knows what I mean,
rather to think that I am being hurtful
with malicious intent.
That would make me a bad person,
and I would like to believe that I am not.
Lol,
Dummy
i feel
for feeling the need to explain,
myself.
So lonely,
i have felt,
yet I have become used to it.
in a sense where,
I have found
or am currently finding
The graceful sense of
Balance.
Yet there are things weighing me down.
There are moments where I need more than a get me up.
i need some,
who knows really.
listen
listen
I want to stop,
so maybe I should.
This nigga give a shout out to Ft. Lauderdale In Kiss Land.
Ain't that a Trip.
Monday, November 25, 2013
On on to the next.
Just finished my next project,
This one I am excited about,
Because I have been memorizing the whole song,
and have only been recording the whole thing on one try.
This song is my first song I recorded and succeeded on my first attempt.
I believe the more I can do that,
the more I become ready to perform these songs.
So I do not chop it up into multiple parts,
you know,
so I can prove to myself I can perform these songs in one attempt,
opposed to just constructing an image that leads people to think something when it's nothing.
lolssss.
well here it is
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sLqyY6dgI9k&feature=youtu.be
This one I am excited about,
Because I have been memorizing the whole song,
and have only been recording the whole thing on one try.
This song is my first song I recorded and succeeded on my first attempt.
I believe the more I can do that,
the more I become ready to perform these songs.
So I do not chop it up into multiple parts,
you know,
so I can prove to myself I can perform these songs in one attempt,
opposed to just constructing an image that leads people to think something when it's nothing.
lolssss.
well here it is
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sLqyY6dgI9k&feature=youtu.be
Thursday, November 21, 2013
My own reflection
I want to,
see what happens,
when i start a sentence,
hoping you read,
this with a certain expectation,
that you have kept in mind,
praying,
actually,
not really,
rather,
just half-heartedly wished,
not realizing,
the image that really,
showed itself,
to the eye,
of
the Holder,
of Beauty.
So really,
an apology should only be expected,
if your actions,
were carried out consciously.
But then that would make,
every step,
and every act,
so malicious.
And that
cannot be
the truth,
ever,
because
as a matter of fact,
I laugh,
because I know,
that the direction
i am headed towards,
is spitefully pushed,
by my own crazy agenda.
Not for a second do we admit,
when we surrender,
control,
I have,
not given
her any,
yet
I just chose,
to act appropriately.
Call me,
a name which,
I have not heard,
And I say this,
not in the sense,
where the intention,
is to seek
your genuine
Sympathy.
trust me,
What makes me most uncomfortable,
is when people,
try to take care of me.
In a very specific sense,
get your head out of the gutter,
i am trying to be serious,
But yet,
I do believe,
that what I mean,
is impossible to see,
at this point,
for I am drowning again,
in my red sea,
Yes
by that,
I mean whiskey.
Whether it is what I think it is,
is up for him to know.
I'm done shaking hands,
over bets,
that I end up breaking,
because my guilt can't be shaken,
Undefeated,
you say you are,
Let me ask you
If torture is forbidden
in All religion
then why is it
allowed in
Hell?
Please do not immediately
feel the need to
make an argument,
for that which,
you have no business
with.
Please understand what I am saying.
Can you
She can,
or cannot. I seriously,
with all honesty inside of my conscious part of my inner thought,
do not know,
what she wants.
But that really is not for me to
try to
understand,
when I beg
for help,
the way,
the only way,
I know how.
So please do not think I am
an asshole,
I swear I am the nicest
warmest,
person,
yet,
all that I imagine myself
to be,
is never checked,
by the image that Is actually,
shown to reality.
Fuck You.
You don't know Me.
I believe in forever,
regardless of how empty it leaves us at the end.
regardless if death is the only promised exit.
I never want to leave the world that you exist in.
After death,
i'll follow you wherever.
I don't care what you want.
see what happens,
when i start a sentence,
hoping you read,
this with a certain expectation,
that you have kept in mind,
praying,
actually,
not really,
rather,
just half-heartedly wished,
not realizing,
the image that really,
showed itself,
to the eye,
of
the Holder,
of Beauty.
So really,
an apology should only be expected,
if your actions,
were carried out consciously.
But then that would make,
every step,
and every act,
so malicious.
And that
cannot be
the truth,
ever,
because
as a matter of fact,
I laugh,
because I know,
that the direction
i am headed towards,
is spitefully pushed,
by my own crazy agenda.
Not for a second do we admit,
when we surrender,
control,
I have,
not given
her any,
yet
I just chose,
to act appropriately.
Call me,
a name which,
I have not heard,
And I say this,
not in the sense,
where the intention,
is to seek
your genuine
Sympathy.
trust me,
What makes me most uncomfortable,
is when people,
try to take care of me.
In a very specific sense,
get your head out of the gutter,
i am trying to be serious,
But yet,
I do believe,
that what I mean,
is impossible to see,
at this point,
for I am drowning again,
in my red sea,
Yes
by that,
I mean whiskey.
Whether it is what I think it is,
is up for him to know.
I'm done shaking hands,
over bets,
that I end up breaking,
because my guilt can't be shaken,
Undefeated,
you say you are,
Let me ask you
If torture is forbidden
in All religion
then why is it
allowed in
Hell?
Please do not immediately
feel the need to
make an argument,
for that which,
you have no business
with.
Please understand what I am saying.
Can you
She can,
or cannot. I seriously,
with all honesty inside of my conscious part of my inner thought,
do not know,
what she wants.
But that really is not for me to
try to
understand,
when I beg
for help,
the way,
the only way,
I know how.
So please do not think I am
an asshole,
I swear I am the nicest
warmest,
person,
yet,
all that I imagine myself
to be,
is never checked,
by the image that Is actually,
shown to reality.
Fuck You.
You don't know Me.
I believe in forever,
regardless of how empty it leaves us at the end.
regardless if death is the only promised exit.
I never want to leave the world that you exist in.
After death,
i'll follow you wherever.
I don't care what you want.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Are you mad at me? lolz
So today,
this is what I woke up and wrote,
and recorded.
It all kind of urged out.
instead of reading them yourselves,
I made a video of me reciting what I wrote for you.
Your welcome asshole.
You're*
I mean....
I hope you like it?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3xDe4pgCto&feature=youtu.be
this is what I woke up and wrote,
and recorded.
It all kind of urged out.
instead of reading them yourselves,
I made a video of me reciting what I wrote for you.
Your welcome asshole.
You're*
I mean....
I hope you like it?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3xDe4pgCto&feature=youtu.be
Sunday, October 27, 2013
I wonder...
I wonder,
why
it just happens
that I Never am
The guy.
Not gonna lie,
sometimes it keeps me up for a while.
Yes its true,
The Passion was Real.
The Intentions were Clean
But what did it mean,
When it just so happened to seem,
That My Genuine part,
Started getting harder to be.
The way I express,
the definition of my dreams,
Is to paint a picture,
that can build hope to restore beliefs,
Yet I stutter,
still wonder,
the depth of,
the most popular gutter,
Where it feels cool to be bad,
and to be bad is to be sad,
to cry about all the things you once had.
But believe me when i say,
the changes of today,
never appear the way you might think.
It is all because,
the issues created.
For us to
Climb up all the stairs just to jump down to escape it.
Forsaken,
are those,
Who i suppose,
believes that they just know,
the order of all things,
And the places it goes,
The warmth of the soul,
That's keeping me close,
What gets me the most,
Is the idea I proposed,
Only to myself so that nobody knows.
My whispers I speak,
darkness it creeps.
You won't stay for a bit?
You sucked the blood off my lips?
Why am I mishandling this?
I'm confused,
why you pissed?
You hate when i insist?
To show love with a kiss?
And to get lost in the mist?
No more tears to reminisce,
Just you and me I just wished,
Yet somehow I resist,
To the way that she just twists.
tough little boy
with a heart to just give.
And I guess that's it.
..........................
why
it just happens
that I Never am
The guy.
Not gonna lie,
sometimes it keeps me up for a while.
Yes its true,
The Passion was Real.
The Intentions were Clean
But what did it mean,
When it just so happened to seem,
That My Genuine part,
Started getting harder to be.
The way I express,
the definition of my dreams,
Is to paint a picture,
that can build hope to restore beliefs,
Yet I stutter,
still wonder,
the depth of,
the most popular gutter,
Where it feels cool to be bad,
and to be bad is to be sad,
to cry about all the things you once had.
But believe me when i say,
the changes of today,
never appear the way you might think.
It is all because,
the issues created.
For us to
Climb up all the stairs just to jump down to escape it.
Forsaken,
are those,
Who i suppose,
believes that they just know,
the order of all things,
And the places it goes,
The warmth of the soul,
That's keeping me close,
What gets me the most,
Is the idea I proposed,
Only to myself so that nobody knows.
My whispers I speak,
darkness it creeps.
You won't stay for a bit?
You sucked the blood off my lips?
Why am I mishandling this?
I'm confused,
why you pissed?
You hate when i insist?
To show love with a kiss?
And to get lost in the mist?
No more tears to reminisce,
Just you and me I just wished,
Yet somehow I resist,
To the way that she just twists.
tough little boy
with a heart to just give.
And I guess that's it.
..........................
Monday, October 21, 2013
You know I like it when you smile for me.
What would life be
without the chemistry
that we
So much enjoy
To just let flow
So gracefully
Smiling I bet,
you are.
For the reason that one holds in,
perhaps a little too hard.
Don't we ever wonder why we smile?
At the misfortunes of others?
Do not be taken back,
and deny such act
Because as a matter of fact,
We laugh
Because such things,
We love,
because lets be honest,
It distracts.
Never synchronizing our inner thought,
with our outer voice,
Lets be honest,
for once
I promise
Just come
I cant just stop It
because
Not that I lost it
it's just
I want it
but lust
Allows my flaws
to become
So haunted
Now run,
if you followed,
For fun?
You say,
but we play dumb,
See I have problems
that begun
So Long Ago
See I was On a roll
like the 8th time I made honor Roll
Man I was Young,
but 6th grade I swear
Testosterone started to run
faster and faster,
It was Racing
It felt Amazing,
to be Blind all the time,
Yet I keep pacing,
With the same thoughts on my mind,
so in-complacent,
Looking for hard to find.
I love to face it,
When the music makes me dance to unwind.
smiles on Her faces,
Makes me proud to be wild.
These sweet little chases,
Really don't last for a while,
I Want the excitement,
AS much as I thought I needed the thrill.
I spent no time when I write this,
it feels the most real.
I hesitate at moments,
Looking for my next potion,
Trying to avoid being fooled,
by yet another sweet scent.
Can't change words,
by saying
That's not what I meant.
Can't change actions,
by playing pretend.
Don't let go of my hand,
And wonder why I couldn't make it till the end.
without the chemistry
that we
So much enjoy
To just let flow
So gracefully
Smiling I bet,
you are.
For the reason that one holds in,
perhaps a little too hard.
Don't we ever wonder why we smile?
At the misfortunes of others?
Do not be taken back,
and deny such act
Because as a matter of fact,
We laugh
Because such things,
We love,
because lets be honest,
It distracts.
Never synchronizing our inner thought,
with our outer voice,
Lets be honest,
for once
I promise
Just come
I cant just stop It
because
Not that I lost it
it's just
I want it
but lust
Allows my flaws
to become
So haunted
Now run,
if you followed,
For fun?
You say,
but we play dumb,
See I have problems
that begun
So Long Ago
See I was On a roll
like the 8th time I made honor Roll
Man I was Young,
but 6th grade I swear
Testosterone started to run
faster and faster,
It was Racing
It felt Amazing,
to be Blind all the time,
Yet I keep pacing,
With the same thoughts on my mind,
so in-complacent,
Looking for hard to find.
I love to face it,
When the music makes me dance to unwind.
smiles on Her faces,
Makes me proud to be wild.
These sweet little chases,
Really don't last for a while,
I Want the excitement,
AS much as I thought I needed the thrill.
I spent no time when I write this,
it feels the most real.
I hesitate at moments,
Looking for my next potion,
Trying to avoid being fooled,
by yet another sweet scent.
Can't change words,
by saying
That's not what I meant.
Can't change actions,
by playing pretend.
Don't let go of my hand,
And wonder why I couldn't make it till the end.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
WHAT'S DUDE!
It is so time for this,
When I started,
I immediately regretted this decision.
Damn.
Really,
I wonder,
Really,
What the fuck is going on?
There is no way there is a person orchestrating our actions,
Because all of our actions,
collide,
and paint such an abstract picture.
As if
we are the color,
and the life that we choose to live,
ultimately will dictate the picture we leave behind.
Damn,
So right in the moment.
I am currently listening to Lil wayne.
Hell yeah Hell yeah,
Fuckn Riiiight!
reminds me of Vegas.
Fucked up,
Faded,
laughing, Loud and obnoxiously,
Where the pedestrian walking the other would would just look at me and think, "Oh he's just having a good time in vegas."
Leanin on my niggas,
While they were leaning on me.
"Nigga listen"
Stumble laugh,
You don't understand the platform I was in.
We were gone,
mentally on another planet.
We were walking,
You know me and ****** were walking, and I was just hearing his voice while I was zonin staring straight ahead,
see my other nigga Linguini was staggering back talkin to some ho's on the same mindset we was on.
He was having a great time.
That sets the stage for the story,
So all that in mind,
Action.
I was walkin,
lookin around like man this shit is crazy,
Look at all the lights and people and Limos and lights and people and my footsteps moved so precisely,
Yet the alcohol made me wander off not so politely,
But the Whitest light kept me up so kindly.
Point being I was fucked up.......
All I hear are my thoughts,
And My homies voice,
ALL THE SUDDEN!
SPLAAAASHH!!
My nigga way in the back talkin to girls,
"My friend did what?"
Girls screaming,
"YOUR FRIEND JUMPED IN THE WATER!!!"
That is when I zoned in,
I didn't realize the reason I did not hear his voice anymore was related to the splash noise that came after him not talking anymore.
I had to focus quick.
My friend decided to jump in the front entrance Water from the bridge that crossed over the front.
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHY!
REACT!
I RAN OVER THERE!
"OH SHIIIIIT MAN HELP ME!!!!"
He was screaming!
I ran to the lowest part of the bridge!
Hung my whole body over.
"GRab my HAND!"
I screamed with desperation.
He plunged his body with one thrust that required all remaining energy,
and fell short.....
Now a crowd was forming around us.
The girls that my homie was talking came to observe like all loud "OMG LOOK WHAT HAPPENED!"
So lots a heads started turning QUICK
in heavy traffic area,
Oh By the way this is Treasure Island I am speaking of,
in vegas....
After the first failed attempt and realizing the potential hazard that is approaching our fate quite hastily,
I looked back down to my friend in the water,
Who had no way out immediately,
other than my hand.
I searched for his eyes,
And I gave him the look,
The "Nigga
NOW!
or
You're FUCKED!"
Look.
And he knew that failure in vegas was NOT an option.
I lit a fire in his eyes that spread to his heart within the split moment because the next thing he did,
Was reach higher than anyone else in the world,
Were they put in a similar situation,
And I held his hand and Pulled his whole body up.
Thrusted him right over the ledge and back on the bridge with one pull.
Flicking both hands because he was soaked.
"Oh SHIIIIIIIT I'm soooo WEEEEEEEEEET!"
And we kept walking and didn't talk about what happened until we woke up the next day.
one of the MANY stories......
When I started,
I immediately regretted this decision.
Damn.
Really,
I wonder,
Really,
What the fuck is going on?
There is no way there is a person orchestrating our actions,
Because all of our actions,
collide,
and paint such an abstract picture.
As if
we are the color,
and the life that we choose to live,
ultimately will dictate the picture we leave behind.
Damn,
So right in the moment.
I am currently listening to Lil wayne.
Hell yeah Hell yeah,
Fuckn Riiiight!
reminds me of Vegas.
Fucked up,
Faded,
laughing, Loud and obnoxiously,
Where the pedestrian walking the other would would just look at me and think, "Oh he's just having a good time in vegas."
Leanin on my niggas,
While they were leaning on me.
"Nigga listen"
Stumble laugh,
You don't understand the platform I was in.
We were gone,
mentally on another planet.
We were walking,
You know me and ****** were walking, and I was just hearing his voice while I was zonin staring straight ahead,
see my other nigga Linguini was staggering back talkin to some ho's on the same mindset we was on.
He was having a great time.
That sets the stage for the story,
So all that in mind,
Action.
I was walkin,
lookin around like man this shit is crazy,
Look at all the lights and people and Limos and lights and people and my footsteps moved so precisely,
Yet the alcohol made me wander off not so politely,
But the Whitest light kept me up so kindly.
Point being I was fucked up.......
All I hear are my thoughts,
And My homies voice,
ALL THE SUDDEN!
SPLAAAASHH!!
My nigga way in the back talkin to girls,
"My friend did what?"
Girls screaming,
"YOUR FRIEND JUMPED IN THE WATER!!!"
That is when I zoned in,
I didn't realize the reason I did not hear his voice anymore was related to the splash noise that came after him not talking anymore.
I had to focus quick.
My friend decided to jump in the front entrance Water from the bridge that crossed over the front.
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHY!
REACT!
I RAN OVER THERE!
"OH SHIIIIIT MAN HELP ME!!!!"
He was screaming!
I ran to the lowest part of the bridge!
Hung my whole body over.
"GRab my HAND!"
I screamed with desperation.
He plunged his body with one thrust that required all remaining energy,
and fell short.....
Now a crowd was forming around us.
The girls that my homie was talking came to observe like all loud "OMG LOOK WHAT HAPPENED!"
So lots a heads started turning QUICK
in heavy traffic area,
Oh By the way this is Treasure Island I am speaking of,
in vegas....
After the first failed attempt and realizing the potential hazard that is approaching our fate quite hastily,
I looked back down to my friend in the water,
Who had no way out immediately,
other than my hand.
I searched for his eyes,
And I gave him the look,
The "Nigga
NOW!
or
You're FUCKED!"
Look.
And he knew that failure in vegas was NOT an option.
I lit a fire in his eyes that spread to his heart within the split moment because the next thing he did,
Was reach higher than anyone else in the world,
Were they put in a similar situation,
And I held his hand and Pulled his whole body up.
Thrusted him right over the ledge and back on the bridge with one pull.
Flicking both hands because he was soaked.
"Oh SHIIIIIIIT I'm soooo WEEEEEEEEEET!"
And we kept walking and didn't talk about what happened until we woke up the next day.
one of the MANY stories......
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Files done.
Well here is me releasing my second song.
To be honest,
I do not know which one I like more,
The first song,
or this one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22sDWXekvK0&feature=youtu.be
To be honest,
I do not know which one I like more,
The first song,
or this one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22sDWXekvK0&feature=youtu.be
Friday, October 4, 2013
Don't you know what you did to me?
Hello there,
Yes,
I admit I am guilty.
Of all crimes that you place upon me,
all due to the spite,
that one cannot get rid off,
At the worst times,
it holds us down,
Ties us down and forces us to watch ourselves be so
Spiteful.
Awful.
My life,
is just barely starting to realize that it is recovering from a lot bullshit.
I guess that is what I should call it.
I want to brighten everyones life that i intrude.
Check yo Grammar bitch.
Fuck you.
I'm picking up my pace,
I am gonna spend maybe a couple more months on planting seeds,
then its go time.
And I hope whoever is on board knows what should be expected.
The thing is,
No one really knows dick.
If you believe that someone knows what they are talking about,
It is only because they have more sense than you,
or just made you believe so through a demonstration of,
strong confidence.
Foolish you both are.
Laughing is the one who understands.
Smiling is the one who now sees the trap I threw at them.
Clueless is the person who cannot follow what I am saying
Majority is what I believe falls under category three.
I really do not give a shit,
The fact that you made me care so much,
makes me wonder,
when it was that I was poisoned,
But that is just a bad argument,
Because in reality,
you deserve all credit.
You are the real deal.
Whoever gets it right,
My hat off to them,
so that forces me to go fuck myself.
I surrender to no one really.
What is the point?
Who is the true fool?
Why argue,
when the answer or truth won't be respected.
Thoughts get heavier,
the best way is to unload with spontaneous rants,
towards anyone who even dares stare at the hair trigger that you better have.
I know I have one.
Yet no one knows where I hide it.
really for their own good.
yes I am acting smug,
if you feel that I am.
How can I tell you that what you feel is less real than the message that I intended to send instead?
Ultimately it comes down to what we, individually,
choose to believe.
Well there you go,
trying to reason with specific detail.
Don't you know,
that is the language that a manipulative mind speaks.
Detailed.
Only in details,
So that the end result.
is whatever I prayed for it to be.
So selfishly.
Yet I throw so much argument,
with passion,
and reason,
at you.
Hoping to access,
your inner most self.
Just to mislead your vision,
to the picture,
that is only an illusion,
created by the darkness,
that you helped,
grow?
I wonder if that makes sense.
Whoaaa
You're like so deep man.
It's been 2 months.
Over by a couple days now.
It seems faster,
day by day.
Each day,
feels more real,
than most days.
I mean this in a way where I want you to be happy for me
you sick fuck.
For once give me the attention that I really beg and cry for like a four year old little fucking child.
Gain leverage on me,
just based on the honesty I gave you?
Give acknowledgement to that which deserves it.
Because if one happens to be a cry baby,
May god help you.
And if he does help you,
tell me how that is like,
because I have yet to know myself.
WHOA!
How fucking dare you sir?
Disrespectful,
to the least.
I wonder.
About so much,
but I'd rather continue with what I have.
Which is what exactly?
Few souls who know.
I wouldn't trade my love for my friends for anything.
I swear,
if I ever get rich,
When,
If I can be irrationally confident.
When i get rich,
it's us,
I fantasize about the days where I successfully have it where the stress of tomorrow is gone,
and all we think of is,
the stress of the real life,
that we now,
live in.
If that makes little sense,
fuck you for not knowing why.
It would make sense if you knew me.
Do you know me?
Do you?
How can you be confident?
I barely know myself,
I was taught not too.
Whatever bro.
In 5 years,
It'll be where I want to be.
Oh you watch me bitch.
Yes,
I admit I am guilty.
Of all crimes that you place upon me,
all due to the spite,
that one cannot get rid off,
At the worst times,
it holds us down,
Ties us down and forces us to watch ourselves be so
Spiteful.
Awful.
My life,
is just barely starting to realize that it is recovering from a lot bullshit.
I guess that is what I should call it.
I want to brighten everyones life that i intrude.
Check yo Grammar bitch.
Fuck you.
I'm picking up my pace,
I am gonna spend maybe a couple more months on planting seeds,
then its go time.
And I hope whoever is on board knows what should be expected.
The thing is,
No one really knows dick.
If you believe that someone knows what they are talking about,
It is only because they have more sense than you,
or just made you believe so through a demonstration of,
strong confidence.
Foolish you both are.
Laughing is the one who understands.
Smiling is the one who now sees the trap I threw at them.
Clueless is the person who cannot follow what I am saying
Majority is what I believe falls under category three.
I really do not give a shit,
The fact that you made me care so much,
makes me wonder,
when it was that I was poisoned,
But that is just a bad argument,
Because in reality,
you deserve all credit.
You are the real deal.
Whoever gets it right,
My hat off to them,
so that forces me to go fuck myself.
I surrender to no one really.
What is the point?
Who is the true fool?
Why argue,
when the answer or truth won't be respected.
Thoughts get heavier,
the best way is to unload with spontaneous rants,
towards anyone who even dares stare at the hair trigger that you better have.
I know I have one.
Yet no one knows where I hide it.
really for their own good.
yes I am acting smug,
if you feel that I am.
How can I tell you that what you feel is less real than the message that I intended to send instead?
Ultimately it comes down to what we, individually,
choose to believe.
Well there you go,
trying to reason with specific detail.
Don't you know,
that is the language that a manipulative mind speaks.
Detailed.
Only in details,
So that the end result.
is whatever I prayed for it to be.
So selfishly.
Yet I throw so much argument,
with passion,
and reason,
at you.
Hoping to access,
your inner most self.
Just to mislead your vision,
to the picture,
that is only an illusion,
created by the darkness,
that you helped,
grow?
I wonder if that makes sense.
Whoaaa
You're like so deep man.
It's been 2 months.
Over by a couple days now.
It seems faster,
day by day.
Each day,
feels more real,
than most days.
I mean this in a way where I want you to be happy for me
you sick fuck.
For once give me the attention that I really beg and cry for like a four year old little fucking child.
Gain leverage on me,
just based on the honesty I gave you?
Give acknowledgement to that which deserves it.
Because if one happens to be a cry baby,
May god help you.
And if he does help you,
tell me how that is like,
because I have yet to know myself.
WHOA!
How fucking dare you sir?
Disrespectful,
to the least.
I wonder.
About so much,
but I'd rather continue with what I have.
Which is what exactly?
Few souls who know.
I wouldn't trade my love for my friends for anything.
I swear,
if I ever get rich,
When,
If I can be irrationally confident.
When i get rich,
it's us,
I fantasize about the days where I successfully have it where the stress of tomorrow is gone,
and all we think of is,
the stress of the real life,
that we now,
live in.
If that makes little sense,
fuck you for not knowing why.
It would make sense if you knew me.
Do you know me?
Do you?
How can you be confident?
I barely know myself,
I was taught not too.
Whatever bro.
In 5 years,
It'll be where I want to be.
Oh you watch me bitch.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Surprise.
Well I finished working on my first song.
took me about one month and a half to work on this.
Enjoy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h92wkVSvC6c
took me about one month and a half to work on this.
Enjoy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h92wkVSvC6c
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Nightmares
Listen,
i know this repetition,
seems so persistent,
Such a strong resistance,
Only because not given permission.
Never question why we choose to listen.
Can't see past what we were given.
Told what we had was a privilege.
The days of renovation is over,
along with its brilliance.
The hero is loved because of his resilience,
But this is real life,
he can't live twice,
No one feels the echo of his existence
Expect to be admitted
Prayers on the wish-list
Courage to the gifted,
Cheers to the fearless.
Comradore is worth my life.
Access we are denied,
by who?
You tell me I can't,
Why should I listen to you?
The words you speak,
you say,
to me,
Are true?
You watch my steps,
and look out for every move?
That is Best for
Me?
to do?
Lay down
for them,
I will.
Jump in front of a bullet
so you get to live.
I ask for nothing,
I except nothing,
Why does he keep fussing?
Act like,
somethings up,
when there is a whole lot
of Nothing.
I am passing out.
I'll edit this tomorrow.
Just straight publish button.
Lets see the twist element of freeballin,
Stallin?
attempt to re-Awaken,
My mind feels forsaken,
by my own fucking body.
Crazy,
Do you got me?
Lately,
I'm constantly,
Craving,
Apologies,
From Satin,
For bothering me,
But escaping,
He's offering me,
Past the point,
I had ought to be.
The wrong person said,
to Follow me,
In my head
Sometimes I believe its all a Dream,
And I wonder,
then why doesn't god just let me Be
Solve all my problems,
awakening from a dream,
It seems to relieve,
Every part of me.
My nightmares,
really enjoy calling for me.
Sekis I needagain Nadagain Nadagain
i know this repetition,
seems so persistent,
Such a strong resistance,
Only because not given permission.
Never question why we choose to listen.
Can't see past what we were given.
Told what we had was a privilege.
The days of renovation is over,
along with its brilliance.
The hero is loved because of his resilience,
But this is real life,
he can't live twice,
No one feels the echo of his existence
Expect to be admitted
Prayers on the wish-list
Courage to the gifted,
Cheers to the fearless.
Comradore is worth my life.
Access we are denied,
by who?
You tell me I can't,
Why should I listen to you?
The words you speak,
you say,
to me,
Are true?
You watch my steps,
and look out for every move?
That is Best for
Me?
to do?
Lay down
for them,
I will.
Jump in front of a bullet
so you get to live.
I ask for nothing,
I except nothing,
Why does he keep fussing?
Act like,
somethings up,
when there is a whole lot
of Nothing.
I am passing out.
I'll edit this tomorrow.
Just straight publish button.
Lets see the twist element of freeballin,
Stallin?
attempt to re-Awaken,
My mind feels forsaken,
by my own fucking body.
Crazy,
Do you got me?
Lately,
I'm constantly,
Craving,
Apologies,
From Satin,
For bothering me,
But escaping,
He's offering me,
Past the point,
I had ought to be.
The wrong person said,
to Follow me,
In my head
Sometimes I believe its all a Dream,
And I wonder,
then why doesn't god just let me Be
Solve all my problems,
awakening from a dream,
It seems to relieve,
Every part of me.
My nightmares,
really enjoy calling for me.
Sekis I needagain Nadagain Nadagain
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Collective whispers
Edit undrafted,
so magnanimous,
my favorite new word.
Man I have been reading a lot,
but by that mean,
Significantly more than I used too.
But to some obsessive readers out there,
I might be an Amateur.
Really though, if we are being honest.
which is really fucking hard to be,
regardless of the context one might find themselves in.
I just hope it will all collectively come together,
Almost as if the minimal effort,
was enough,
for our hopes to be kept,
within arms length of reach.
Stay close to me is all I am saying.
I think?
But what do I know,
only other than that which I admit to myself,
and that of which I deny to myself.
How unfortunate the one who is missing out because of the lie I have chosen to accept.
I wonder who is at true loss.
But then again,
All this predicting is becoming quite arrogant,
perhaps arrogant is the wrong word,
but in my sentence I half heartedly believe it stands correct.
Why place a prediction that has your name stamped to it?
Just to let people know,
that you knew.
Cool I guess.
I want to stop predicting,
and just enjoy,
things just being.
If that makes any sense,
to me it makes prefect,
however to some that probably will never read this,
i still feel the need to stay consciously aware of.
As if a part of me imagines this part being read years after my death,
by someone who is my relative,
and shows curiosity towards my true identity.
I mean,
this shit seems pretty permanent.
And after I die,
at least a part of me can leave something exposed,
regardless of who sees it,
for a long time.
At this rate that I am going,
rate being the amount of times I choose to write,
in relation,
to how much growth I experience between The times that I write.
Right now I am starting to look back already at some of my recent pieces that I have written,
and I am starting to feel that I am growing
or have grown
past some mind sets.
It is actually quite the mind venting machine,
or maybe I just say that
due to wishful thinking.
Whatever,
I speak as I question
whether it is I believe,
the words that I just chose
to speak.
So right now,
1 2 3
ask yourself what it is you want.
Scream the first word,
don't pass three seconds,
SAY SOMETHING!
Who's name did you say?
What word did you say?
What is it about?
Who is it about?
What is the relationship between you and the word,
whether it is a person or a dream goal,
What is your relation like?
Are you working well together?
Are you facing hardship?
Have you given up?
Never give up.
Always find a way,
always,
even if it is the most impossible path.
Choose that,
above turning your back to something,
or someone
That you desire for,
The Most.
What will stop you?
Look in the mirror,
And speak the words,
Say the names,
Of what is stopping you.
All up in the zone,
I just want everyone to succeed.
I want everyone that I love to be happy.
I literally care for nothing,
except for those that I love and care for.
Growing up,
the ones close to me would always ask me,
how I could be so distant to the ones that seemed close to me.
Towards people that loved me,
or said that they did.
Why I never called any relative,
even during times of death and tragedy.
WHY CAN'T you at least give one call.
And say!
...... what?
I don't know what to say.
Tell them that your pain will ultimately be soothed by religion,
that ultimately you believe that you will see them again,
in the hereafter.
That god will have mercy on his soul,
and he will be showered with all of the elegances that the exalted has awaiting for him.
How could I say all these comforting words that I do not believe in?
I can choose to neither say a lie or the harsh truth.
It is the only way I can explain myself,
but I am so sorry for coming off as an insensitive asshole.
He meant harm to no one,
and made no one feel the threat of any sense of negativity.
He lived a very comfortable lifestyle.
I'm very bad at this.
I really,
wish that,
what I want to say
will be taken
in the context,
of understanding how it is I think
under certain circumstance,
because right now all I want to do,
is shout and shout,
with intentions
to only
seek attention,
from everyone,
except hers,
because when she does not react,
I have come to assumption,
That is when she is taken back the most,
Yet,
That is just a temporary thought,
that I am currently having,
shaking my head i am laughing at this,
How I desire so much of the dramatic scenery that we have obsessively painted to be the behavior that us two need to stay away from,
yet only to learn,
on my behalf,
that is,
The romance,
unbelievable when I would fool myself,
into believing that,
it was truth,
that I felt,
when you felt,
my hand,
with yours,
But then again, it was only into the trap that I chose to fall into,
because you see,
you were the only one that let me fall.
All the way,
You consciously did not stop me,
every mili second,
you were fully aware of my descent,
arms spread,
Accepting myself for what it is that I felt,
Yet,
I just prayed,
that before i fell and sank to the bottom,
pretending to be asleep,
I could just hear you,
just once,
Scream my name,
out of the dreadful gut feeling of loss.
Loss of value.
Selfish, i fell as I admit this.
I do not choose a path that a few have walked,
I am choosing to create my very own path.
At least I desire that thought.
Who is foolish enough to deny that human urge?
We all want to be praised,
whether we agree with it or not,
we all want to be glorified,
and we all want people to acknowledge that MY existence is special.
It is,
trust me it is.
The only problem is
Everyone is afraid to live.
You share your true words and thoughts,
people freeze,
no one trusts words to be from the heart anymore,
everyone speaks only to obtain or to mislead.
Minds cannot speak anymore,
Whatever is left,
is an excuse,
to hide ourselves,
Poor poor future,
We are living in a generation,
where living conditions have become luxurious and personal issues have become suicidal.
Both growing their own ways,
exponentially.
Who knows if literally,
I just mean dramatically.
Good lord,
If time speeds up,
I will spark a joint in case I need it to slow down.
If life is to slow,
I will jump on the 95 south direct to the port of Miami.
Whatever we say,
we say to impress,
either ourselves,
or someone,
We are impressed with ourselves,
and only shy with our work,
when self conscious
or insecure,
about our own
ACTUAL
capabilities,
because it is impossible,
to understand,
someone's
TRUE
potential.
Ehhhh
Maybe,
Fuck you,
I don't know.
I'm going to bed,
I'll have about 2 more sips of straight sentimental juice.
I work tomorrow,
hip hip
hooray,
finish this fuckn blog.
Ahhhhh,
What else shall I babble about,
at this late of hour?
Fuck you
Fuck You
Fuck YOU
Goodness.
I'm still adjusting to these changes.
I am still dealing with a lot of shit.
I heart all ma niggas.
so magnanimous,
my favorite new word.
Man I have been reading a lot,
but by that mean,
Significantly more than I used too.
But to some obsessive readers out there,
I might be an Amateur.
Really though, if we are being honest.
which is really fucking hard to be,
regardless of the context one might find themselves in.
I just hope it will all collectively come together,
Almost as if the minimal effort,
was enough,
for our hopes to be kept,
within arms length of reach.
Stay close to me is all I am saying.
I think?
But what do I know,
only other than that which I admit to myself,
and that of which I deny to myself.
How unfortunate the one who is missing out because of the lie I have chosen to accept.
I wonder who is at true loss.
But then again,
All this predicting is becoming quite arrogant,
perhaps arrogant is the wrong word,
but in my sentence I half heartedly believe it stands correct.
Why place a prediction that has your name stamped to it?
Just to let people know,
that you knew.
Cool I guess.
I want to stop predicting,
and just enjoy,
things just being.
If that makes any sense,
to me it makes prefect,
however to some that probably will never read this,
i still feel the need to stay consciously aware of.
As if a part of me imagines this part being read years after my death,
by someone who is my relative,
and shows curiosity towards my true identity.
I mean,
this shit seems pretty permanent.
And after I die,
at least a part of me can leave something exposed,
regardless of who sees it,
for a long time.
At this rate that I am going,
rate being the amount of times I choose to write,
in relation,
to how much growth I experience between The times that I write.
Right now I am starting to look back already at some of my recent pieces that I have written,
and I am starting to feel that I am growing
or have grown
past some mind sets.
It is actually quite the mind venting machine,
or maybe I just say that
due to wishful thinking.
Whatever,
I speak as I question
whether it is I believe,
the words that I just chose
to speak.
So right now,
1 2 3
ask yourself what it is you want.
Scream the first word,
don't pass three seconds,
SAY SOMETHING!
Who's name did you say?
What word did you say?
What is it about?
Who is it about?
What is the relationship between you and the word,
whether it is a person or a dream goal,
What is your relation like?
Are you working well together?
Are you facing hardship?
Have you given up?
Never give up.
Always find a way,
always,
even if it is the most impossible path.
Choose that,
above turning your back to something,
or someone
That you desire for,
The Most.
What will stop you?
Look in the mirror,
And speak the words,
Say the names,
Of what is stopping you.
All up in the zone,
I just want everyone to succeed.
I want everyone that I love to be happy.
I literally care for nothing,
except for those that I love and care for.
Growing up,
the ones close to me would always ask me,
how I could be so distant to the ones that seemed close to me.
Towards people that loved me,
or said that they did.
Why I never called any relative,
even during times of death and tragedy.
WHY CAN'T you at least give one call.
And say!
...... what?
I don't know what to say.
Tell them that your pain will ultimately be soothed by religion,
that ultimately you believe that you will see them again,
in the hereafter.
That god will have mercy on his soul,
and he will be showered with all of the elegances that the exalted has awaiting for him.
How could I say all these comforting words that I do not believe in?
I can choose to neither say a lie or the harsh truth.
It is the only way I can explain myself,
but I am so sorry for coming off as an insensitive asshole.
He meant harm to no one,
and made no one feel the threat of any sense of negativity.
He lived a very comfortable lifestyle.
I'm very bad at this.
I really,
wish that,
what I want to say
will be taken
in the context,
of understanding how it is I think
under certain circumstance,
because right now all I want to do,
is shout and shout,
with intentions
to only
seek attention,
from everyone,
except hers,
because when she does not react,
I have come to assumption,
That is when she is taken back the most,
Yet,
That is just a temporary thought,
that I am currently having,
shaking my head i am laughing at this,
How I desire so much of the dramatic scenery that we have obsessively painted to be the behavior that us two need to stay away from,
yet only to learn,
on my behalf,
that is,
The romance,
unbelievable when I would fool myself,
into believing that,
it was truth,
that I felt,
when you felt,
my hand,
with yours,
But then again, it was only into the trap that I chose to fall into,
because you see,
you were the only one that let me fall.
All the way,
You consciously did not stop me,
every mili second,
you were fully aware of my descent,
arms spread,
Accepting myself for what it is that I felt,
Yet,
I just prayed,
that before i fell and sank to the bottom,
pretending to be asleep,
I could just hear you,
just once,
Scream my name,
out of the dreadful gut feeling of loss.
Loss of value.
Selfish, i fell as I admit this.
I do not choose a path that a few have walked,
I am choosing to create my very own path.
At least I desire that thought.
Who is foolish enough to deny that human urge?
We all want to be praised,
whether we agree with it or not,
we all want to be glorified,
and we all want people to acknowledge that MY existence is special.
It is,
trust me it is.
The only problem is
Everyone is afraid to live.
You share your true words and thoughts,
people freeze,
no one trusts words to be from the heart anymore,
everyone speaks only to obtain or to mislead.
Minds cannot speak anymore,
Whatever is left,
is an excuse,
to hide ourselves,
Poor poor future,
We are living in a generation,
where living conditions have become luxurious and personal issues have become suicidal.
Both growing their own ways,
exponentially.
Who knows if literally,
I just mean dramatically.
Good lord,
If time speeds up,
I will spark a joint in case I need it to slow down.
If life is to slow,
I will jump on the 95 south direct to the port of Miami.
Whatever we say,
we say to impress,
either ourselves,
or someone,
We are impressed with ourselves,
and only shy with our work,
when self conscious
or insecure,
about our own
ACTUAL
capabilities,
because it is impossible,
to understand,
someone's
TRUE
potential.
Ehhhh
Maybe,
Fuck you,
I don't know.
I'm going to bed,
I'll have about 2 more sips of straight sentimental juice.
I work tomorrow,
hip hip
hooray,
finish this fuckn blog.
Ahhhhh,
What else shall I babble about,
at this late of hour?
Fuck you
Fuck You
Fuck YOU
Goodness.
I'm still adjusting to these changes.
I am still dealing with a lot of shit.
I heart all ma niggas.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Prison Break
So many bells ringing at once
I swear I was living in the Vatican.
I know you understand the crazy shit
I be imaginin',
Horsey say giddie Up,
while the slow pikes try to saddle in,
Magic defeats a man,
Case dismissed.
You go ahead and tell the story,
No I insist.
Why did I break it?
Is because I twist and twist!!?
Break past the point of
it having nothing left to give?
But I'd let her again,
Whoever she was or will be.
You capture me,
I'm all yours.
What a sweet thought I used to believe in.
Escaping isn't easy,
It still isn't.
I have escaped,
three times
MY ,
My ,
and ,
They all happened so fast,
Just one after another,
One by one,
Seconds dragged into years
Just forcing me to watch everything unfold,
Unfold so slow,
I did not miss anything,
I felt every insult,
don't you worry about that.
I do believe that it was me that has been wronged,
at times,
But most of the time now,
I'm finally breathing,
Crazy to say,
I'm breathing free air.
Away from that,
Which demanded all of me.
I cannot say that I have abandoned all three,
All I can say,
I needed to get away.
And the only way,
was to escape.
I swear I was living in the Vatican.
I know you understand the crazy shit
I be imaginin',
Horsey say giddie Up,
while the slow pikes try to saddle in,
Magic defeats a man,
Case dismissed.
You go ahead and tell the story,
No I insist.
Why did I break it?
Is because I twist and twist!!?
Break past the point of
it having nothing left to give?
But I'd let her again,
Whoever she was or will be.
You capture me,
I'm all yours.
What a sweet thought I used to believe in.
Escaping isn't easy,
It still isn't.
I have escaped,
three times
MY ,
My ,
and ,
They all happened so fast,
Just one after another,
One by one,
Seconds dragged into years
Just forcing me to watch everything unfold,
Unfold so slow,
I did not miss anything,
I felt every insult,
don't you worry about that.
I do believe that it was me that has been wronged,
at times,
But most of the time now,
I'm finally breathing,
Crazy to say,
I'm breathing free air.
Away from that,
Which demanded all of me.
I cannot say that I have abandoned all three,
All I can say,
I needed to get away.
And the only way,
was to escape.
Monday, September 2, 2013
Wussup girl, wanna come over and watch a movie?
Slowly and steadily,
breathing so Heavily,
incredibly,
is what your feeling,
you're telling me?
Ecstatically,
The rhythm
Is
so acrobatically,
Positions change so dramatically,
whispering speeds up drastically,
talk dirty climatically,
Ill hold you tight while you straddle me,
You speak as if you can handle me,
As if your body knows how to dance with me,
I fuckin love it when you stop asking me,
Its not done right
if both hands are free,
If you ever wonder,
Yes,
I woulda fucked you so passionately
breathing so Heavily,
incredibly,
is what your feeling,
you're telling me?
Ecstatically,
The rhythm
Is
so acrobatically,
Positions change so dramatically,
whispering speeds up drastically,
talk dirty climatically,
Ill hold you tight while you straddle me,
You speak as if you can handle me,
As if your body knows how to dance with me,
I fuckin love it when you stop asking me,
Its not done right
if both hands are free,
If you ever wonder,
Yes,
I woulda fucked you so passionately
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Waiting to give my urine sample.
One month down.
This drug test better work.
I have to piss like crazy.
If/when I pass. I will be ecstatic.
I wanna blowie. That be nice.
How people carry themselves is quite unique.
How we hold people to such a high standard then not believe in free will.
It seems so contradictory.
Well you are the way you are,
There is no free will in that.
Rather
Free will has to be reached out for.
We have to break out of the natural state we were given.
Are we content with what we are at our natural state?
Or do we defy what we are,
And reach further
Than we were supposed too.
Do we listen to the voices that tell us,
our risks that we take,
are not smart and calculated steps?
Yet what is life if each step is only taken based on how low the risk is.
Since when have we abandoned taking risks, and have settle for safety?
I guess the more one believes that there is nothing after ,
They are more likely to become boring.
Is boring the right word?
Death,
Ultimately can be the biggest motivator,
Or the biggest set back.
In my case,
Every time I think about death,
I get motivated.
To do what exactly?
To live,
Opposed to just waiting to die.
If this is all that we have,
Collectively and individually,
What holds us back?
The fear of failing?
It seems so ironic.
We are too afraid to live because we are too afraid to die.
Afraid
Afraid
So we stall,
Tell ourself
Safe is better
Safe
Quiet
Don't be obnoxious.
Is that what it's called?
We are so sure
Purely based on the calculations we have discovered
Only to predict
What exactly?
The probability of different outcomes?
Assuming the most probable answer is the expected outcome?
Not sure if that is how real life carries itself.
Looking at humanity objectively,
Is one thing.
Living your life objectively,
Is very unhealthy.
Suppressing our feelings,
And not considering them,
As we make life decisions,
I would only assume
Will ultimately have a very strong effect on us.
We are not asked to ignore our emotions,
Rather guide them.
With intellect.
We are only asked to make decisions,
Where we have to ignore emotion,
During times of survival,
In a state of an emergency.
But what state of emergency are we living in?
For those who live in the same state as I do.
It seems that the ones who push rational thinking,
Are ones who like to push their own agenda.
Especially when,
One tries to manipulate.
It's very disgusting.
Using intimidation,
Stubbornness,
Frustration,
Then coating it,
With a blanket
That we like to call
Rational.
We are not free,
If we do not believe our actions to be.
Ultimately,
The truth is what we accept for ourself.
And what we individually believe,
Are the limits we set for ourselves.
Do you believe to be free?
Do you believe to be a slave to no one?
Do you believe you can change the world?
Shake it's very existence?
I do.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Another Goodbye
write until you die,
so many things,
I say,
when I shouldn't.
control is the last thing I worry about.
I'm always in control.
That is where people get fooled,
including me.
but heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey,
we're all kids really,
What the fuck do we know.
So much,
we say.
So exact,
so sure,
so as a matter of fact.
damn,
If only,
If only
is amongst the few words that I am left holding on to.
Believe the words of a little girl.
Yet there are plenty of little boys laughing at me,
who have probably ran through what I value the most.
One man's trash is another man's treasure.
Some say trash is trash,
You just didn't know any better.
Well shit.
If I am labeled an asshole for the rest of my life,
i guess it's just what I objectively deserve.
I say objectively in the most unfitting way.
What do you want from me really?
Nothing.
At this point I am talking to myself,
as usual.
What does it matter,
such a sad loner
who creates this self confident image.
Anxiety is the worst.
I love and hate feeling it.
is the best way to describe it.
Words words,
are a simple form of transcending feelings,
yet feelings are really lost in translation,
when it comes to minds such as mine.
Selfish little bitch,
Why have I loved someone who only looks at me as if i am just another.
which I was well aware of,
yet I walked away,
only to be dragged lower,
I laugh at myself.
In the most pathetic way.
realizing,
that if life,
is as meaningless as I believe it to be,
then why hold so much importance,
to a matter,
which only brought you nothing but,
what?
really?
finish the sentence for me?
if you can,
then befriend me,
for all of eternity,
And let me,
bother you,
with my presence.
We all want to cry when we do not feel appreciated.
Well in this case,
I guess this is my way of crying about it.
yet,
the important part is to keep moving,
my feet.
If life is indeed all that we have.
Of course I want to feel everything possible.
Take every opportunity that presents itself,
and not wait for anyone who,
drags their feet?
But not everyone is strong enough?
why have I become the best at making excuses for other people.
At least I would like myself to believe that.
damn you are so beautiful to my eyes.
The hardest part is for me to imagine,
how low another sees you at.
As if you find joy in the mistreatment.
It's a fucked up world.
It sure as hell doesn't get prettier.
Not at all.
People either want to be
FUCKED
literally,
or loved.
It's hard to establish,
anything,
With confusion.
I write this,
as confused,
as I was,
since day,
one?
I speak,
as I think,
as I write,
as I want,
you so bad,
yet,
alone,
is what I am used to,
wanting you
is what I am used to,
NOT having you,
Is what I hate,
but it is what I have become used to.
While you play in the garden,
while I tell myself,
It's okay,
only I really understand.
while many watch me,
and laugh.
as they fuck her in the same garden,
that i have watched her run around in.
Such a nice boy,
damn,
reality, has no respect for ones feelings.
But I do not complain,
Serve it straight.
Shit,
it is up to me to get over it.
And I guess I must.
It's as if,
you felt,
that I am the idiot,
for believing the things you have told me.
How sad for you to dislike those,
who ACTUALLY take you serious.
Kept telling myself.
I know the real you.
Yes you.
Stupid bitch.
and I still say it,
upset.
I know you're beautiful.
You possess power,
that you yourself cannot see.
but perhaps maybe I am the only crazy person who sees.
Play the game making the one believe,
if he hangs on the longest he will win.
perhaps.
However,
I do not like that game.
Damn,
we are both so young,
were so young.
I was so young and sheltered.
And to have dealt with that,
While I was dealing with this?
couldn't even give me a break?
makes me question,
What it was exactly that you were holding on to?
Anyone that held on?
Sure doesn't make the individual feel,
anything in particular.
Yet I will die believing you are special.
At this point,
I pray to god,
That you better be.
So much passion,
so much intelligence,
So much rhetoric,
So much insight,
That is thrown away.
Am I really crazy?
Have I built myself an illusion?
All the times we have talked for hours,
Where I have enjoyed every second of you're beauty,
while listening,
actually listening to every word.
Man, it seemed like as if we were soul-mates.
especially when you told me you believed that we were soul-mates.
Drove me to the furthest point of my sanity.
And I'll drive off the edge of the cliff for you.
Yet,
I do not believe you wanted me to,
when it really came down to it.
So what was it that you really wanted?
Closure is something i do not want to lean on.
I miss everything about you,
you stupid little fucking idiot.
I wanted you to be all mine,
In the most selfish way.
Made me feel crazy for wanting you for myself,
when you asked me to be all yours.
Or acted like it.
When i walked away.
"You're the one I love and want,
It's you and it's always going to be you"
Poison,
sweet poison.
I cannot deal with this shit,
Fuck,
Make it seem so fucking regular,
as if anything you have ever said,
was never said.
as if I am crazy,
and I fabricated it all.
Keep moving my feet,
is what I tell myself.
Of course time heals all.
it's not that,
That I am worried about.
Why did you MAKE,
MAKE!
me believe that it was us?
I never told you eternity or nothing.
I told you to give me something.
yet you said nothing.
over and over and over and over again.
And when something was said,
it was the sweetest,
most precious.
Yet lies.
Lies.
Lies,
Why speak,
when only lies I hear.
I'm never going to forgive you.
because there is no wrong doing.
it's just life.
That we involuntarily have to participate in.
if there was truly no meaning in us,
I am moving on.
But memories cannot be erased.
Thoughts cannot be prevented.
So bare with my weak and pathetic self.
until I find a source of salvation.
But this distance,
is only helping me
In the most painful way.
Such a bitch I choose to act like.
Yet,
My knuckles have plenty of scars on them.
So do not get it twisted.
I know what to do.
But never when it came to you.
The little selfish spoiled little brat,
who wants everything,
just wanted my attention,
amongst the many things that she got,
And she played and played,
and I played and played.
And I kept anticipating for more,
and she left me believing,
and reaching,
until I grew tired and left,
only for her to persuade me to come back and have patience.
And I do.
Right now,
I have heard you say,
the most,
hurtful things.
which I choose not to believe,
because,
if you meant,
anything which you have said.
You wouldn't want another word with me.
I love you forever and always.
But I have let go,
I am moving on.
I pray to not see the day,
where you have accepted a man,
that is less than me.
Every man likes to believe that there is nothing better than them.
Not going to sit here and tell you anything you do not know.
But damn,
Why do I feel like you deserve everything?
Why do I feel like you can have it all?
Why is it hard for me to let go?
But I am,
I will keep moving my feet.
I have to let myself sleep,
once,
in peace.
Soon.
How much meaning one side can pour,
while the other side,
holds no meaning,
to anything that I have felt.
How I mean nothing to you.
How I know my last words will be your name.
And how I know that your first drunken thoughts consist of fucking the first guy who catches your most shallow interest.
How I know that in reality I mean nothing.
that I have imagined all this.
How crazy I have let my mind drift.
How I desire to refuse to move on.
But These times are done.
There is no going back.
There never was.
You need to grow up.
as much as I do.
You little stupid selfish girl.
You do not give a shit about anyone,
except for your selfish little self.
Why cry about not feeling appreciated when you can just walk away right?
Miss you?
I always will.
But damn,
how have I let myself fall in the trap of the mind of a little girl.
Who wants to play with every heart that she is given.
Not understanding the difference between any of them.
How they all seem the same,
When there is an overabundance.
Yet I keep telling myself.
I'M DIFFERENT!
We had something DIFFERENT!
Little boy,
wake up.
You got played son.
Ain't you listening to any of the songs you play?
You ain't the first.
Vicious immature girls are everywhere.
You just happened to be the victim of one.
Don't feel special.
Shiiiiit.
Miss you?
Forever?
I'll hold on to what my imagination painted of you
You're beautiful.
But fucking accept this pathetic attempt of another goodbye.
so many things,
I say,
when I shouldn't.
control is the last thing I worry about.
I'm always in control.
That is where people get fooled,
including me.
but heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey,
we're all kids really,
What the fuck do we know.
So much,
we say.
So exact,
so sure,
so as a matter of fact.
damn,
If only,
If only
is amongst the few words that I am left holding on to.
Believe the words of a little girl.
Yet there are plenty of little boys laughing at me,
who have probably ran through what I value the most.
One man's trash is another man's treasure.
Some say trash is trash,
You just didn't know any better.
Well shit.
If I am labeled an asshole for the rest of my life,
i guess it's just what I objectively deserve.
I say objectively in the most unfitting way.
What do you want from me really?
Nothing.
At this point I am talking to myself,
as usual.
What does it matter,
such a sad loner
who creates this self confident image.
Anxiety is the worst.
I love and hate feeling it.
is the best way to describe it.
Words words,
are a simple form of transcending feelings,
yet feelings are really lost in translation,
when it comes to minds such as mine.
Selfish little bitch,
Why have I loved someone who only looks at me as if i am just another.
which I was well aware of,
yet I walked away,
only to be dragged lower,
I laugh at myself.
In the most pathetic way.
realizing,
that if life,
is as meaningless as I believe it to be,
then why hold so much importance,
to a matter,
which only brought you nothing but,
what?
really?
finish the sentence for me?
if you can,
then befriend me,
for all of eternity,
And let me,
bother you,
with my presence.
We all want to cry when we do not feel appreciated.
Well in this case,
I guess this is my way of crying about it.
yet,
the important part is to keep moving,
my feet.
If life is indeed all that we have.
Of course I want to feel everything possible.
Take every opportunity that presents itself,
and not wait for anyone who,
drags their feet?
But not everyone is strong enough?
why have I become the best at making excuses for other people.
At least I would like myself to believe that.
damn you are so beautiful to my eyes.
The hardest part is for me to imagine,
how low another sees you at.
As if you find joy in the mistreatment.
It's a fucked up world.
It sure as hell doesn't get prettier.
Not at all.
People either want to be
FUCKED
literally,
or loved.
It's hard to establish,
anything,
With confusion.
I write this,
as confused,
as I was,
since day,
one?
I speak,
as I think,
as I write,
as I want,
you so bad,
yet,
alone,
is what I am used to,
wanting you
is what I am used to,
NOT having you,
Is what I hate,
but it is what I have become used to.
While you play in the garden,
while I tell myself,
It's okay,
only I really understand.
while many watch me,
and laugh.
as they fuck her in the same garden,
that i have watched her run around in.
Such a nice boy,
damn,
reality, has no respect for ones feelings.
But I do not complain,
Serve it straight.
Shit,
it is up to me to get over it.
And I guess I must.
It's as if,
you felt,
that I am the idiot,
for believing the things you have told me.
How sad for you to dislike those,
who ACTUALLY take you serious.
Kept telling myself.
I know the real you.
Yes you.
Stupid bitch.
and I still say it,
upset.
I know you're beautiful.
You possess power,
that you yourself cannot see.
but perhaps maybe I am the only crazy person who sees.
Play the game making the one believe,
if he hangs on the longest he will win.
perhaps.
However,
I do not like that game.
Damn,
we are both so young,
were so young.
I was so young and sheltered.
And to have dealt with that,
While I was dealing with this?
couldn't even give me a break?
makes me question,
What it was exactly that you were holding on to?
Anyone that held on?
Sure doesn't make the individual feel,
anything in particular.
Yet I will die believing you are special.
At this point,
I pray to god,
That you better be.
So much passion,
so much intelligence,
So much rhetoric,
So much insight,
That is thrown away.
Am I really crazy?
Have I built myself an illusion?
All the times we have talked for hours,
Where I have enjoyed every second of you're beauty,
while listening,
actually listening to every word.
Man, it seemed like as if we were soul-mates.
especially when you told me you believed that we were soul-mates.
Drove me to the furthest point of my sanity.
And I'll drive off the edge of the cliff for you.
Yet,
I do not believe you wanted me to,
when it really came down to it.
So what was it that you really wanted?
Closure is something i do not want to lean on.
I miss everything about you,
you stupid little fucking idiot.
I wanted you to be all mine,
In the most selfish way.
Made me feel crazy for wanting you for myself,
when you asked me to be all yours.
Or acted like it.
When i walked away.
"You're the one I love and want,
It's you and it's always going to be you"
Poison,
sweet poison.
I cannot deal with this shit,
Fuck,
Make it seem so fucking regular,
as if anything you have ever said,
was never said.
as if I am crazy,
and I fabricated it all.
Keep moving my feet,
is what I tell myself.
Of course time heals all.
it's not that,
That I am worried about.
Why did you MAKE,
MAKE!
me believe that it was us?
I never told you eternity or nothing.
I told you to give me something.
yet you said nothing.
over and over and over and over again.
And when something was said,
it was the sweetest,
most precious.
Yet lies.
Lies.
Lies,
Why speak,
when only lies I hear.
I'm never going to forgive you.
because there is no wrong doing.
it's just life.
That we involuntarily have to participate in.
if there was truly no meaning in us,
I am moving on.
But memories cannot be erased.
Thoughts cannot be prevented.
So bare with my weak and pathetic self.
until I find a source of salvation.
But this distance,
is only helping me
In the most painful way.
Such a bitch I choose to act like.
Yet,
My knuckles have plenty of scars on them.
So do not get it twisted.
I know what to do.
But never when it came to you.
The little selfish spoiled little brat,
who wants everything,
just wanted my attention,
amongst the many things that she got,
And she played and played,
and I played and played.
And I kept anticipating for more,
and she left me believing,
and reaching,
until I grew tired and left,
only for her to persuade me to come back and have patience.
And I do.
Right now,
I have heard you say,
the most,
hurtful things.
which I choose not to believe,
because,
if you meant,
anything which you have said.
You wouldn't want another word with me.
I love you forever and always.
But I have let go,
I am moving on.
I pray to not see the day,
where you have accepted a man,
that is less than me.
Every man likes to believe that there is nothing better than them.
Not going to sit here and tell you anything you do not know.
But damn,
Why do I feel like you deserve everything?
Why do I feel like you can have it all?
Why is it hard for me to let go?
But I am,
I will keep moving my feet.
I have to let myself sleep,
once,
in peace.
Soon.
How much meaning one side can pour,
while the other side,
holds no meaning,
to anything that I have felt.
How I mean nothing to you.
How I know my last words will be your name.
And how I know that your first drunken thoughts consist of fucking the first guy who catches your most shallow interest.
How I know that in reality I mean nothing.
that I have imagined all this.
How crazy I have let my mind drift.
How I desire to refuse to move on.
But These times are done.
There is no going back.
There never was.
You need to grow up.
as much as I do.
You little stupid selfish girl.
You do not give a shit about anyone,
except for your selfish little self.
Why cry about not feeling appreciated when you can just walk away right?
Miss you?
I always will.
But damn,
how have I let myself fall in the trap of the mind of a little girl.
Who wants to play with every heart that she is given.
Not understanding the difference between any of them.
How they all seem the same,
When there is an overabundance.
Yet I keep telling myself.
I'M DIFFERENT!
We had something DIFFERENT!
Little boy,
wake up.
You got played son.
Ain't you listening to any of the songs you play?
You ain't the first.
Vicious immature girls are everywhere.
You just happened to be the victim of one.
Don't feel special.
Shiiiiit.
Miss you?
Forever?
I'll hold on to what my imagination painted of you
You're beautiful.
But fucking accept this pathetic attempt of another goodbye.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Exposure
I swear,
i am the weirdest mother fucker I know sometimes,
Why is it telling me that word is spelled wrong.
Fuck You,
Hahahahahahaha
Ha
HA
It is sooo funny!
I am just so glad that I can actually type this well right now.
You have no idea that passive aggressive bull shit that i choose to deal with
But come on!
To what extent do we lie to ourselves that there is joy in the lie that we chose to believe!
At some point will we abandon the words that we have spoken,
as if they were words spoken as if an oath was taken.
as if as if as if as if
But not so quick!
Shit!
Things are not turning the way they should have turned,
Perhaps where I imagined only?
Wake me up,
you're only doing the opposite,
I do not understand the details,
but when the bigger picture has been painted,
one cannot help
but
To look what it says,
disappointment
I do not feel,
neither regret,
That is a cowards way out.
i would like to believe.
Curious to see how naive I might have been.
But yet I feel as if,
I have surrendered to the true will,
Can you grasp,
I doubt.
We wonder,
about each other,
to learn how
everyone thinks
of only themselves
really,
Yes not always,
but
only me.
The same way I speak as if the world was the other half of my existence.
Making my existence equivalent to the creation of humanity.
fifty fifty split.
not bad.
yet I am nothing,
just another whisper that will never be heard,
regardless of how loud I scream.
Regardless of the troubles I had.
Regardless of the words i blindly accepted.
My path,
wherever I am going,
has a long way to go.
I feel so destined,
to be this,
person......
And it is the person that I believe that I am now.
It sounds crazy,
it sounds surreal.
Yet I believe because I feel this way.
So how can you claim to know me.
if you cannot see that in me?
For the birds I suppose I shall leave that.
How I have run away,
trying to find every excuse,
justifying.
Self-justifications.
are hilarious.
I take a sip for me
I take a sip for you
I take a sip for ma NIGGAS!
I take a sip for the ones who only show love
I take a sip for her.
again.
We Indulge in our weakness,
Well we have let them for too long,
Why have we found pleasure in our misery?
How have they taught us to do so?
I cannot help but,
yearn and long,
for her.
Yet a little boy has to wake up.
And not follow any word that seems so pleasant.
Truth does not lie within the words,
but within the mind
of the liar.
Now now,
now
now.
How I have
taken,
sleep
as a priority.
My last words
if they were
to be taken
I guess
Fuck it,
Lolz
Younes,
you're a champion in whatever it is that you choose to do.
I know that you're a champion,
so just trust me.
My ego ego egoo
So conflicted.
I wonder how much I'll misunderstand myself when I read this.
I'm still amazed of how well I can type right now.
OMGNeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I have to skip that song,
at least tonight.
Predictions
3 months and she'll be over it all.
2 years minimum and ill be ok.
Godmit.
It's all good though.
What's life going to mean,
if these things do not happen to us.
Die free and alone?
or
Enslaved and together?
I type this as I think it,
What an interesting proposition I have proposed for myself.
How do I even end this?
Here is a joke to end the night.
once upon a time,
I fell in love
Bah-DUMM
TISHHH!
tonight is an embarrassing night
I choose exposure.
i am the weirdest mother fucker I know sometimes,
Why is it telling me that word is spelled wrong.
Fuck You,
Hahahahahahaha
Ha
HA
It is sooo funny!
I am just so glad that I can actually type this well right now.
You have no idea that passive aggressive bull shit that i choose to deal with
But come on!
To what extent do we lie to ourselves that there is joy in the lie that we chose to believe!
At some point will we abandon the words that we have spoken,
as if they were words spoken as if an oath was taken.
as if as if as if as if
But not so quick!
Shit!
Things are not turning the way they should have turned,
Perhaps where I imagined only?
Wake me up,
you're only doing the opposite,
I do not understand the details,
but when the bigger picture has been painted,
one cannot help
but
To look what it says,
disappointment
I do not feel,
neither regret,
That is a cowards way out.
i would like to believe.
Curious to see how naive I might have been.
But yet I feel as if,
I have surrendered to the true will,
Can you grasp,
I doubt.
We wonder,
about each other,
to learn how
everyone thinks
of only themselves
really,
Yes not always,
but
only me.
The same way I speak as if the world was the other half of my existence.
Making my existence equivalent to the creation of humanity.
fifty fifty split.
not bad.
yet I am nothing,
just another whisper that will never be heard,
regardless of how loud I scream.
Regardless of the troubles I had.
Regardless of the words i blindly accepted.
My path,
wherever I am going,
has a long way to go.
I feel so destined,
to be this,
person......
And it is the person that I believe that I am now.
It sounds crazy,
it sounds surreal.
Yet I believe because I feel this way.
So how can you claim to know me.
if you cannot see that in me?
For the birds I suppose I shall leave that.
How I have run away,
trying to find every excuse,
justifying.
Self-justifications.
are hilarious.
I take a sip for me
I take a sip for you
I take a sip for ma NIGGAS!
I take a sip for the ones who only show love
I take a sip for her.
again.
We Indulge in our weakness,
Well we have let them for too long,
Why have we found pleasure in our misery?
How have they taught us to do so?
I cannot help but,
yearn and long,
for her.
Yet a little boy has to wake up.
And not follow any word that seems so pleasant.
Truth does not lie within the words,
but within the mind
of the liar.
Now now,
now
now.
How I have
taken,
sleep
as a priority.
My last words
if they were
to be taken
I guess
Fuck it,
Lolz
Younes,
you're a champion in whatever it is that you choose to do.
I know that you're a champion,
so just trust me.
My ego ego egoo
So conflicted.
I wonder how much I'll misunderstand myself when I read this.
I'm still amazed of how well I can type right now.
OMGNeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I have to skip that song,
at least tonight.
Predictions
3 months and she'll be over it all.
2 years minimum and ill be ok.
Godmit.
It's all good though.
What's life going to mean,
if these things do not happen to us.
Die free and alone?
or
Enslaved and together?
I type this as I think it,
What an interesting proposition I have proposed for myself.
How do I even end this?
Here is a joke to end the night.
once upon a time,
I fell in love
Bah-DUMM
TISHHH!
tonight is an embarrassing night
I choose exposure.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Unrestricted Isolation
"Phase two"
is all that was said. This of course was done only to add effect.
"Well, go on."
I said after giving him his three seconds of dramatic silence.
"It's not gonna be easy, So I am not gonna blame you for having some difficulties."
Saying it as if he knows it all, but I must remain sharp.
"Usually when people look to place blame beforehand, it means they're second guessing themselves,"
This took him back a bit,
I must seize this moment and continue.
"I understand the worries you have for me, but something tells me you're trying to panic vicariously through me."
Now if that is not at least considered a poke,
I will just have to quit. But I shall not be too haste to celebrate,
a Man with a reputation,
will always desire to leave an impression.
"You seem to understand a lot,"
he starts of very slow, it's obvious he is stalling.
or is he trying to create some sort of effect again?
"so tell me then,
am I panicking?
Or simply,
the only one out of us two,
who is not in denial"
I understood right away,
but I chose not to give him the feedback he wanted.
I kept my face looking scrambled.
I wanted him to question his delivery,
He didn't lose eye contact,
The only thing that changed was his straight face.
Now he was smirking,
arrogantly.
"Of course you know what I am speaking of mister....?
He knew my name,
of course he did.
Pathetic power play.
"Oh pardon me for the improper introduction,
I could have sworn we met already?"
Hmmm, i guess I'm choosing to kill him with kindness? But to him it might seem as a small victory. And whatever victory he believes he's achieved will only make him more confident,
and confidence is the steroid to the mind that has chosen to stay ignorant and arrogant.
"I am so sorry, we must have. I am terrible with names, since I was a kid I was always known to be forgetful," he actually said very polite.
I was looking for that hint of sarcasm.
"So would you like to hear about phase two?"
"sure."
Perhaps too quick I responded.
makes me come across too eager.
For some reason, acting eager makes people think you're a kid.
"Phase two, the part where the smoke clears, the noise fades, the sun rises only to shed light on your new surrounding," he started.
"And you know what your new surrounding is?"
I hate when people want me to answer rhetorical questions only to add effect to their story.
But he was still waiting for me to say something,
I won't,
i caved,
"what?"
and I'm sure there was some frustration in that word.
He waits a second,
his face is just telling me,
clever he is going to feel after saying whatever he is going to say.
"You look around for the first time, with the light exposing everything, only to realize your new surrounding is NOTHING."
"Nothing?"
I responded quickly again!
This time I didn't mind.
"Would it be too much if I asked for some elaboration?"
I asked this of course expecting a very excited reaction. I have learned that people enjoy when you seem curious about what they have to say. Especially when you seem curious enough to ask them to keep talking.
"Well okay,
let me explain this from another aspect,"
he's getting ready for a monologue,
it seems like.
"We make decisions,
and we live by them to an extent. We always leave a safety net to fall on. We say we live with our decisions but it just doesn't feel that way. Is it because we do not realize that the safety net is the main source of our problems?
In life,
There Are the decisions that we make based on
what we want to do,
and there are the things we actually do,
in case of what we want,
not happening,
so therefore,
we tell ourselves,
our Plan B is second,
Yet our Plan A,
really is our plan B,
And our PLan B,
is really our plan A."
He finished that statement wanting to continue, yet he believes he is the only one who can keep up with his thoughts,
that not everyone can understand when he rambles,
he wants me to nod,
or say something to acknowledge that I am following.
"So our real plan A is the safety net,"
threw him a quick wrench.
His immediate response,
"No not at all,"
Followed by,
"Well yes,"
Then smiling saying,
"I mean,
yeah.
Oh!
I see!
Okay!"
This actually got him more excited.
"We want to test these life changing decisions,
and it is impossible to test out new ideas when you are being surrounded by all your old decisions,"
I don't to acknowledge how much sense he is making,
why is that?
"So we truly understand if our new decisions work,
only once we put ourselves in a new environmenT,
So phase one is placing yourself in a new environment"
I don't like how he is making all these side points,
just to create more suspense and glory for his final point.
I want to tell him to stop thinking he is brilliant or extremely smart because he points out obvious things.
"And when it's just you and your decisions, after phase one,
comes phase two,"
I understand what he is saying, I feel agitation and frustration because you are trying to accept the truth, I guess I have to keep telling myself that.
"and Phase to my friend,
Ya know what that is?"
This time at least he didn't expect me to answer that rhetorical question,
rather he needed that pause to take a sip of his whiskey.
"Epic loneliness," and he burst out into laughter.
And I fully saw the humor,
I appreciated the humor.
I appreciated that he appreciated it.
"You let that phase two creep in hard enough,
you're going to question and doubt every decision you have made,"
He's making good points,
He's making sense!
"Always remember,
subconsciously or consciously or whatever,
you're just holding on to the comforts of the past.
Face it,
you're not going to meet anyone for a couple of month,
shit you'd be lucky if it was that quick.
You don't really meet anyone,
like really meet someone,
until like a year in."
I stayed quiet and smiled,
as if those words didn't shake me.
"Utilize that time,
unrestricted isolation is known to be the key element of greatness."
Immediately I wanted to say,
"Says who?
You?
You're just this guy who is on his fifth whiskey,
who I just watched smoke a joint 10 minutes ago,
and now you're sitting here just babbling believing anything that comes out of your mouth,
is genius.
You don't know shit!
you don't know me"
But I bit my thoughts,
"It's hard hearing hard truths,
yet alone from a stranger,
who speaks as if he has known me for a while.,
I do have an urge to question why one feels such entitlement to go around pointing things out to people they do not know,"
His face was changing as I was speaking,
he was trying to reestablish his posture,
he's feeling threatened,
I continued,
"But if I said all that,
the same argument can be used on me,
so end result i see what you're saying,
I know when i hear bullshit,
and I know when i don't,
I'd like to think."
I smiled,
because sometimes i think people do not understand me,
so if I am smiling,
they know I am not angry,
but perhaps they might think I'm crazy.
"Well cheers to that,"
he lifted his drink,
almost out of pity for he saw my misery.
"and yes,
you should go talk to that girl in that red dress,
i mean come on,
she is wearing a red dress and is definitely eye fucking you"
He's literally trying to cheer me up,
and it really pisses me off,
as if I'm some wounded little puppy bitch.
"You have led me to believe that you doubt my abilities when it comes to talking to the ladies.
Perhaps you think I am shy and scared of girls as well?"
As I was trying to be witty and hold my ground as a respectable young man,
a girl was walking towards us,
passing behind him.
Pretty,
yes she was.
"excuse me," I gently pulled on her wrist.
"my friend here is awfully upset because I am going to leave him alone now,
because in my heart I very much desire to talk to that woman over there,"
This catches every girl by surprise,
the tug on the wrist made her react quickly,
but once she realized what was happening,
She started smiling and loving every second of it. I can see his reaction through my peripheral,
and I really do not have to look to know that this caught him by surprise.
"And there is nothing to worry,
my friend here is a gentleman who fancies himself on his fine abilities to keep a woman,
such as yourself,
very entertained,
throughout all the different parts of the night"
I knew saying that last part,
made him act a little awkward,
which only made the girl laugh,
so overall,
Bingo.
Right?
"Well if you can now excuse me,
I have to go make this woman fall in love with me."
Perfect exit,
she was smiling,
he was impressed of how well i opened that up for him.
My confidence was through the rough,
I felt invincible. The whiskey starting to settle in,
the night is catching rhythm,
I'm walking straight towards her,
I avoid thinking about what to say,
I prefer when things come naturally.
Right before I get there,
I stop,
and decide,
to go home.
No distractions.
Phase two must first be endured.
He was right.
I am right.
Unrestricted Isolation
is all that was said. This of course was done only to add effect.
"Well, go on."
I said after giving him his three seconds of dramatic silence.
"It's not gonna be easy, So I am not gonna blame you for having some difficulties."
Saying it as if he knows it all, but I must remain sharp.
"Usually when people look to place blame beforehand, it means they're second guessing themselves,"
This took him back a bit,
I must seize this moment and continue.
"I understand the worries you have for me, but something tells me you're trying to panic vicariously through me."
Now if that is not at least considered a poke,
I will just have to quit. But I shall not be too haste to celebrate,
a Man with a reputation,
will always desire to leave an impression.
"You seem to understand a lot,"
he starts of very slow, it's obvious he is stalling.
or is he trying to create some sort of effect again?
"so tell me then,
am I panicking?
Or simply,
the only one out of us two,
who is not in denial"
I understood right away,
but I chose not to give him the feedback he wanted.
I kept my face looking scrambled.
I wanted him to question his delivery,
He didn't lose eye contact,
The only thing that changed was his straight face.
Now he was smirking,
arrogantly.
"Of course you know what I am speaking of mister....?
He knew my name,
of course he did.
Pathetic power play.
"Oh pardon me for the improper introduction,
I could have sworn we met already?"
Hmmm, i guess I'm choosing to kill him with kindness? But to him it might seem as a small victory. And whatever victory he believes he's achieved will only make him more confident,
and confidence is the steroid to the mind that has chosen to stay ignorant and arrogant.
"I am so sorry, we must have. I am terrible with names, since I was a kid I was always known to be forgetful," he actually said very polite.
I was looking for that hint of sarcasm.
"So would you like to hear about phase two?"
"sure."
Perhaps too quick I responded.
makes me come across too eager.
For some reason, acting eager makes people think you're a kid.
"Phase two, the part where the smoke clears, the noise fades, the sun rises only to shed light on your new surrounding," he started.
"And you know what your new surrounding is?"
I hate when people want me to answer rhetorical questions only to add effect to their story.
But he was still waiting for me to say something,
I won't,
i caved,
"what?"
and I'm sure there was some frustration in that word.
He waits a second,
his face is just telling me,
clever he is going to feel after saying whatever he is going to say.
"You look around for the first time, with the light exposing everything, only to realize your new surrounding is NOTHING."
"Nothing?"
I responded quickly again!
This time I didn't mind.
"Would it be too much if I asked for some elaboration?"
I asked this of course expecting a very excited reaction. I have learned that people enjoy when you seem curious about what they have to say. Especially when you seem curious enough to ask them to keep talking.
"Well okay,
let me explain this from another aspect,"
he's getting ready for a monologue,
it seems like.
"We make decisions,
and we live by them to an extent. We always leave a safety net to fall on. We say we live with our decisions but it just doesn't feel that way. Is it because we do not realize that the safety net is the main source of our problems?
In life,
There Are the decisions that we make based on
what we want to do,
and there are the things we actually do,
in case of what we want,
not happening,
so therefore,
we tell ourselves,
our Plan B is second,
Yet our Plan A,
really is our plan B,
And our PLan B,
is really our plan A."
He finished that statement wanting to continue, yet he believes he is the only one who can keep up with his thoughts,
that not everyone can understand when he rambles,
he wants me to nod,
or say something to acknowledge that I am following.
"So our real plan A is the safety net,"
threw him a quick wrench.
His immediate response,
"No not at all,"
Followed by,
"Well yes,"
Then smiling saying,
"I mean,
yeah.
Oh!
I see!
Okay!"
This actually got him more excited.
"We want to test these life changing decisions,
and it is impossible to test out new ideas when you are being surrounded by all your old decisions,"
I don't to acknowledge how much sense he is making,
why is that?
"So we truly understand if our new decisions work,
only once we put ourselves in a new environmenT,
So phase one is placing yourself in a new environment"
I don't like how he is making all these side points,
just to create more suspense and glory for his final point.
I want to tell him to stop thinking he is brilliant or extremely smart because he points out obvious things.
"And when it's just you and your decisions, after phase one,
comes phase two,"
I understand what he is saying, I feel agitation and frustration because you are trying to accept the truth, I guess I have to keep telling myself that.
"and Phase to my friend,
Ya know what that is?"
This time at least he didn't expect me to answer that rhetorical question,
rather he needed that pause to take a sip of his whiskey.
"Epic loneliness," and he burst out into laughter.
And I fully saw the humor,
I appreciated the humor.
I appreciated that he appreciated it.
"You let that phase two creep in hard enough,
you're going to question and doubt every decision you have made,"
He's making good points,
He's making sense!
"Always remember,
subconsciously or consciously or whatever,
you're just holding on to the comforts of the past.
Face it,
you're not going to meet anyone for a couple of month,
shit you'd be lucky if it was that quick.
You don't really meet anyone,
like really meet someone,
until like a year in."
I stayed quiet and smiled,
as if those words didn't shake me.
"Utilize that time,
unrestricted isolation is known to be the key element of greatness."
Immediately I wanted to say,
"Says who?
You?
You're just this guy who is on his fifth whiskey,
who I just watched smoke a joint 10 minutes ago,
and now you're sitting here just babbling believing anything that comes out of your mouth,
is genius.
You don't know shit!
you don't know me"
But I bit my thoughts,
"It's hard hearing hard truths,
yet alone from a stranger,
who speaks as if he has known me for a while.,
I do have an urge to question why one feels such entitlement to go around pointing things out to people they do not know,"
His face was changing as I was speaking,
he was trying to reestablish his posture,
he's feeling threatened,
I continued,
"But if I said all that,
the same argument can be used on me,
so end result i see what you're saying,
I know when i hear bullshit,
and I know when i don't,
I'd like to think."
I smiled,
because sometimes i think people do not understand me,
so if I am smiling,
they know I am not angry,
but perhaps they might think I'm crazy.
"Well cheers to that,"
he lifted his drink,
almost out of pity for he saw my misery.
"and yes,
you should go talk to that girl in that red dress,
i mean come on,
she is wearing a red dress and is definitely eye fucking you"
He's literally trying to cheer me up,
and it really pisses me off,
as if I'm some wounded little puppy bitch.
"You have led me to believe that you doubt my abilities when it comes to talking to the ladies.
Perhaps you think I am shy and scared of girls as well?"
As I was trying to be witty and hold my ground as a respectable young man,
a girl was walking towards us,
passing behind him.
Pretty,
yes she was.
"excuse me," I gently pulled on her wrist.
"my friend here is awfully upset because I am going to leave him alone now,
because in my heart I very much desire to talk to that woman over there,"
This catches every girl by surprise,
the tug on the wrist made her react quickly,
but once she realized what was happening,
She started smiling and loving every second of it. I can see his reaction through my peripheral,
and I really do not have to look to know that this caught him by surprise.
"And there is nothing to worry,
my friend here is a gentleman who fancies himself on his fine abilities to keep a woman,
such as yourself,
very entertained,
throughout all the different parts of the night"
I knew saying that last part,
made him act a little awkward,
which only made the girl laugh,
so overall,
Bingo.
Right?
"Well if you can now excuse me,
I have to go make this woman fall in love with me."
Perfect exit,
she was smiling,
he was impressed of how well i opened that up for him.
My confidence was through the rough,
I felt invincible. The whiskey starting to settle in,
the night is catching rhythm,
I'm walking straight towards her,
I avoid thinking about what to say,
I prefer when things come naturally.
Right before I get there,
I stop,
and decide,
to go home.
No distractions.
Phase two must first be endured.
He was right.
I am right.
Unrestricted Isolation
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